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Missed my chance with a girl - may have another - what now?

H

Hold

macrumors regular
Original poster
May 19, 2010
111
0
I was very fortunate to meet the most amazing girl ever about a year and a half ago. We worked together in the same company and a few months in we were both transferred to the same office! I fell for here immediately she is absolutely stunning both here looks and here personality. Never have I meet anyone like here. We are both in our early twenties. A little background about myself, I never had a proper relationship before. I was only ever interested in two girls before and I was shot down twice. Therefore I was very cautious with her, since it would have been quite awkward for us if things went bad since we worked together. She kinda flirted with me at first and I played along but didn't make a move. Turns out, she met someone about two weeks after we first met and got into a relationship with him. They have been together for almost a year and a half. I later found out that she really liked me but was also afraid to make a move. We have so much in common it's amazing - exercising, love cooking, eating out in good restaurants, music, serious work ethic, cinema etc...
I am a better and more motivated person thanks to her, I am able to push myself further and harder just by thinking about her.
Over the last year and a half I haven't been on a single date, girls that I would normally fall head over heals for do nothing for me. And two have been interested in me. I just don't have any interest in any other girl. It's not like I'm broken hearted about this but I have no interest in any other girl at all. And i'm cool with it. I thought that perhaps it was just a crush that would pass but I am crazy about here for over a year and a half.
Over the time that she has been in a relationship we met quite often but only as a group of friends with other people. Never one on one. I would never try to push myself closer to her but would always oblige when she wanted me. She always wanted me to sit next to her when we went out anywhere and we even shred meals and stuff. I never openly told her my feelings for here but she knows I like her.... a lot!
Anyway, I predict her relationship will end soon. It will be an easy breakup probably as both her and her boyfriend are in different places and want different things.
I will never try to push myself in but should her relationship end, what should I do? How would I approach this situation? How long should I wait? Do I take her on a date? Would seem a bit strange as we already know each other very well. Any ideas? Should I talk to here and tell her everything I feel? Leave her alone for a few weeks?
 
Wait until you're sure their relationship has ended, and make the first move. A date, nothing special, but use it to evaluate the feelings of both of you. Is she physically attracted to you? Does she consider you as a friend?
My suggestion is don't tell her about what you just wrote, don't tell her about your real feelings with words. Not yet, at least, and nowhere soon.
Depending on the person, she might not be ready yet to start a new relationship, and this is up to you to understand.

So first off, are you sure they are really breaking up, and that's just not what you want to see?
Allow some time, when you know that. You don't want to become a replacement.
 
Depending on how and why their relationship ended, if it's going to at all, she might not be ready to move forward. I would stand aside as a friend and "observe" as it's much too early. This is a crucial time and honestly, you're at a risk of either getting friend-zoned, or sadly, the rebound guy.
 
LostSoul80 said:
Wait until you're sure their relationship has ended, and make the first move. A date, nothing special, but use it to evaluate the feelings of both of you. Is she physically attracted to you? Does she consider you as a friend?
My suggestion is don't tell her about what you just wrote, don't tell her about your real feelings with words. Not yet, at least, and nowhere soon.
Depending on the person, she might not be ready yet to start a new relationship, and this is up to you to understand.

So first off, are you sure they are really breaking up, and that's just not what you want to see?
Allow some time, when you know that. You don't want to become a replacement.
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I think her attraction to me may be a little physical but she likes me for the person that I am. I have seen other couples in their situation and it ended every time. I would give them 4-5 months at the most.

----------
ann713 said:
Depending on how and why their relationship ended, if it's going to at all, she might not be ready to move forward. I would stand aside as a friend and "observe" as it's much too early. This is a crucial time and honestly, you're at a risk of either getting friend-zoned, or sadly, the rebound guy.
Click to expand...

My main concern is that if I wait to long I will lose her again :-(
 
Don't wait.

Ask her to dinner. Take her to a nice restaurant. Reserve a romantic table - ask the staff ahead of time.

Tell her how you feel about her after dinner and before dessert.

Tell her she is the only woman you want to spend any time with.

Don't wait for "fate" or some other silly thing.

If she is ready to break up with her current boyfriend, great. If not, she now knows how you feel and can work that into her plans if she feels the same way about you.

Waiting will just mean you may lose out on being together forever.
 
thewitt said:
Don't wait.

Ask her to dinner. Take her to a nice restaurant. Reserve a romantic table - ask the staff ahead of time.

Tell her how you feel about her after dinner and before dessert.

Tell her she is the only woman you want to spend any time with.

Don't wait for "fate" or some other silly thing.

If she is ready to break up with her current boyfriend, great. If not, she now knows how you feel and can work that into her plans if she feels the same way about you.

Waiting will just mean you may lose out on being together forever.
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I don't want to put her in that situation. I would rather she broke up with him because she decided to. Not because I was a better option. I will never directly try to break them up. I love her too much to put that kind of pressure on her.
 
Hold said:
I don't want to put her in that situation.
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Put her in what situation, exactly? The situation where you actually respect her enough to let her make her own grown up decisions and be honest with her? Or the situation where you try to protect her from the boogeyman of conflict and further justify your inaction?

It's incredibly disrespectful of you to assume that she can't handle tough decisions and that you should shield her from your own "selfish emotions".

friends.png


Don't be that guy. Respect the girl enough to let her have the option to choose how she wants to live her own life.
 
Oh god, I've been here, ended up getting the girl, then losing her to her career. Good luck.
 
So the advice is to tell her everything I feel? Not so sure... Maybe I should wait a little.
 
Peace said:
The longer you wait. The weirder it becomes.
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I have waited a year and a half (the duration of her current relationship that seems like it may be coming to an end). Surely it would better to wait until they break things off. However, once that happens, do I spill out all my feelings?
 
Hold said:
I have waited a year and a half (the duration of her current relationship that seems like it may be coming to an end). Surely it would better to wait until they break things off. However, once that happens, do I spill out all my feelings?
Click to expand...

You've already waited a year ?

The mind of man can play some strange tricks when one thinks about a girl for a year without doing something about it.

Ask her out or forget about her. For your own mental health's sake.

She has a boyfriend. She's not married. she's quit capable of making her own decisions.

I could see a problem if her boyfriend was your best friend but since he's not.

The old saying comes in to play.

All's fair in love and war.
 
My advice, follow your heart. Take the advice here with a grain of salt. Everyone is different. With that said, if they break up give it some time and slowly make your move. You already have a friendship which is important. But that's me.
 
Don't do anything, ever. Just wait. Wait for her to realize what a great guy you are and come running to you. Just like in the movies! Either man up and let her know how you feel or move on.
 
ask her on a casual date, coffee in a public place. be cocky and hilarious - she is the center of your universe and so act accordingly. poke fun at her looks in a fun way. dont try to be a nice guy or u will not get the girl. the time to ask her out is asap. waiting will not get u the girl.
 
You told us that she knows how you feel about her. And? If you haven't directly told her how you feel, and you haven't asked her out, then nothing is certain. Not to her, or to any sane girl.

She's not going to break up with him and move onto you unless she has that "other" option locked down. Right now, she doesn't. She may be 95% sure that you like her, but she may be only 30% certain/uncertain that you're an available option for her, as you haven't asked her. She's not going to make a life-changing decision based on a hunch. She's going to be cautious.

Make her 100% certain that she has something else lined up if she chooses to end her current relationship, because currently, she probably believes that her options are to stay with her boyfriend in a slightly uncertain relationship (but in her mind, he may be worth the risk), or break up with him and become single. If you're not delusional, and she really does have some romantic feelings for you, then knowing that you want to be with her right now may prompt her into making a decision now rather than weighing up 2 non-ideal options.


It's no different with quitting your job for a better one. You wouldn't quit your current job for a better job unless you had your new job locked down.
 
I can hardly believe some posters are suggesting you go on a date with her while she is with her current boyfriend. To me, that is not only inconsiderate, but immoral. It's also a good way to get your ass beat. (Also, too, do you really want to be with someone who would go on a date with someone behind their boyfriend's back? All may be well and good now, but if she is the kind of woman to do that, who's to say she won't do the same with another man when you two have a tough time) Stay out of the way at least until a month or so after they have split, if that ever even occurs. You don't want any emotional baggage carried over or her to transition to you so smoothly that it's as if she never left the other guy and she continues with you as if it is him. This woman needs some self reflection, especially if she's been with someone for this long who isn't compatible with her.

I would also suggest not setting your hopes sky high or "waiting" for anyone. Expect much of nothing and you will be pleasantly surprised if something happens and minorly bummed if it doesn't. I wouldn't put so much thought into it either. Whatever happens, happens and you'll know what to do and how to do it instinctually when the right time comes, if it comes. I wish you good luck, but am a bit worried that you are this invested in her for this long and that you will be crushed pretty hard if things don't go as imagined.
 
Tell her how you feel NOW, or risk never being with her at all, cause someone else WILL tell her how they feel about her, and she may just as likely dump her current boyfriend and date HIM as she would date you.
 
There is no chance I will ask her out when she is still in a relationship. My main question is how should I play it out when they breakup?
 
thewitt said:
Tell her how you feel NOW, or risk never being with her at all, cause someone else WILL tell her how they feel about her, and she may just as likely dump her current boyfriend and date HIM as she would date you.
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Agreed. Don't sit around and wait, OP.
 
Is this the same girl discussed in this thread :

https://forums.macrumors.com/threads/1164579/

?

If so, I suggest you follow the same advice you were given last year instead of having all the posters on the forum repeat the same stuff over and over (or other posters could just go and grab their old posts to save themselves from typing up the same answers again).
 
Hold said:
There is no chance I will ask her out when she is still in a relationship. My main question is how should I play it out when they breakup?
Click to expand...

No point in waiting, just tell her. If you wait, you are going to ask the same question a year and a half later, if you are lucky.

Don't wait because of fear of rejection. If you wait and wait for the "perfect opportunity" you will wait a long time my friend.
 
KnightWRX said:
Is this the same girl discussed in this thread :

https://forums.macrumors.com/threads/1164579/

?

If so, I suggest you follow the same advice you were given last year instead of having all the posters on the forum repeat the same stuff over and over (or other posters could just go and grab their old posts to save themselves from typing up the same answers again).
Click to expand...

I don't know why my first instinct on every one of these threads isn't to check previous posts. I feel like almost all of the people who post "omg need relationship advice" threads have other posts on this forum which are worth mentioning.
 
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