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Missed my chance with a girl - may have another - what now?

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I was about to throw in my 2 cents to this discussion but after I saw the other thread from last year, I figured why bother. The guy's hopeless. The longer you wait, the more you are ruining your chances.

To OP, I look forward to the next thread you create in about a year's time in which you explain she's moved on and met someone else and what should you do now. And of course, I look forward to you ignoring everybody's advice again.

Cheers. :D
 
Iscariot said:
Sounds an awful lot to me like you'd rather be passive than take any responsibility for the role you play in your own situation.
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THIS!!!

OP, do yourself a favor and read both Iscariot's posts over and over. Your hesitant attitude and inaction is not about her nor in deference to her. It is about you and why you continue to resist playing an active role in y'alls relationship.

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Hold said:
There is no chance I will ask her out when she is still in a relationship. My main question is how should I play it out when they breakup?
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Why ask? I'm willing to bet it will play out the same ... with hesitancy and inaction.
 
As a female, I just have to ask all the people that are advocating that he make a move right now to explain their reasoning a little further... If someone is in a relationship and you know it, I can hardly think of a more insulting/unattractive thing than asking them out, regardless of how much you "like" her or not.

Put yourself in her boyfriend's shoes. How would you feel if her supposed "friends" all started hitting on her? I say props for the OP for not being that sort of lowlife who poaches other guys' girlfriends...

Otherwise, I think the advice in the thread has been solid. Don't make this girl your be-all-end-all and succumb to the xkcd-delusion. And *IF* they actually break up (note the BIG "if", because you really have no idea), make your move quick-ish if you want a shot at being with her.

Just my 2 cents... :)
 
Daffodil said:
As a female, I just have to ask all the people that are advocating that he make a move right now to explain their reasoning a little further... If someone is in a relationship and you know it, I can hardly think of a more insulting/unattractive thing than asking them out, regardless of how much you "like" her or not.

Put yourself in her boyfriend's shoes. How would you feel if her supposed "friends" all started hitting on her? I say props for the OP for not being that sort of lowlife who poaches other guys' girlfriends...

Otherwise, I think the advice in the thread has been solid. Don't make this girl your be-all-end-all and succumb to the xkcd-delusion. And *IF* they actually break up (note the BIG "if", because you really have no idea), make your move quick-ish if you want a shot at being with her.

Just my 2 cents... :)
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I agree entirely. I am wondering what planet these posters are on. I've never heard of this "ask her out while she has a boyfriend" thing as being a widespread mindset, and I have heard a lot. Maybe I am getting too old and am out of touch? I'm not understanding. If a man ever did that to me I'd lay him out instead of being flattered, to put me in such a position. Glad I don't have to worry about dating anymore though, that's a relief. I wonder what happened to the OP...
 
Daffodil said:
If someone is in a relationship and you know it, I can hardly think of a more insulting/unattractive thing than asking them out, regardless of how much you "like" her or not.
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myrtlebee said:
I've never heard of this "ask her out while she has a boyfriend" thing as being a widespread mindset, and I have heard a lot. Maybe I am getting too old and am out of touch? I'm not understanding. If a man ever did that to me I'd lay him out instead of being flattered, to put me in such a position. Glad I don't have to worry about dating anymore though, that's a relief. I wonder what happened to the OP...
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It's not so much a question of asking her out as it is deciding to stop being a spectator in one's own life. This guy has been pining after this girl for a year and a half, waiting for a perfect time that in all likelihood will never come. He has, as of this point, played absolutely no role in advancing his chance of having a meaningful relationship with anybody, but instead has advanced a twisted kind of patriarchal "white knighting" wherein women are prizes to be coveted, cherished and protected instead of rational, thoughtful human beings deserving of equal treatment and respect.

He's embraced a kind of stunning mediocrity that both absolves him of having to take action and the consequences of his own inaction.

There's a rather lengthy and entrenched internet meme about getting "friendzoned" that perpetuates both this patriarchal view of women and rationalizing inaction by using friendliness and kindness as a pre-payment for relationships and sex. It's incredibly misogynistic; women are contextualized only in their role in men's desires. It's self-victimization; the fabrication of victim-hood in an attempt to manipulate and vilify the opposite party while absolving oneself of self-responsibility. "“Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes.” “Friendzone” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no.”"

I'm not particularly interested in whether or not this jackass makes a choice to start treating women as human beings deserving of respect and honesty, rather I'm hoping that my advice may play a small role in helping young men realize how to take control of their lives and view women as equals who should not be deified or vilified for having their own set of emotions and desires.

noisycats said:
THIS!!!

OP, do yourself a favor and read both Iscariot's posts over and over. Your hesitant attitude and inaction is not about her nor in deference to her.
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I'm well known for being an amazing and inspiring individual.
 
Iscariot said:
It's not so much a question of asking her out as it is deciding to stop being a spectator in one's own life. This guy has been pining after this girl for a year and a half, waiting for a perfect time that in all likelihood will never come. He has, as of this point, played absolutely no role in advancing his chance of having a meaningful relationship with anybody, but instead has advanced a twisted kind of patriarchal "white knighting" wherein women are prizes to be coveted, cherished and protected instead of rational, thoughtful human beings deserving of equal treatment and respect.

He's embraced a kind of stunning mediocrity that both absolves him of having to take action and the consequences of his own inaction.

There's a rather lengthy and entrenched internet meme about getting "friendzoned" that perpetuates both this patriarchal view of women and rationalizing inaction by using friendliness and kindness as a pre-payment for relationships and sex. It's incredibly misogynistic; women are contextualized only in their role in men's desires. It's self-victimization; the fabrication of victim-hood in an attempt to manipulate and vilify the opposite party while absolving oneself of self-responsibility. "“Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes.” “Friendzone” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no.”"

I'm not particularly interested in whether or not this jackass makes a choice to start treating women as human beings deserving of respect and honesty, rather I'm hoping that my advice may play a small role in helping young men realize how to take control of their lives and view women as equals who should not be deified or vilified for having their own set of emotions and desires.


I'm well known for being an amazing and inspiring individual.
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You are not even addressing the point we were making. This is all fine and well, but you do not do this while someone is in a relationship, that is just called being a selfish *******.
 
myrtlebee said:
You are not even addressing the point we were making. This is all fine and well, but you do not do this while someone is in a relationship, that is just called being a selfish *******.
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There's a litany of reasons why it can be appropriate to tell someone in a relationship that you are interested in them, and it can absolutely be done in a way that's respectful and without being an *******. That's because there's a huge difference between letting someone know that you have romantic feelings for them and suggesting they ditch their current partner and date you. Telling someone you have romantic interest in them is not the same as questioning their romantic loyalty, nor should it be construed as such. You can have a heart-to-heart discussion with someone about how you feel about them without a slimy wink and a suggestion of "just how married are you?"

It's far shadier and much more disrespectful to keep popping kindness coins in and hoping the relationship ends and sex falls out. Remember this isn't a case of "should I ask out a taken woman?" it's a case of "how do I stick around with unrequited feelings for years hoping that her relationship crumbles without seeming like a complete creep?"

I'd much rather somebody be upfront and honest with me (or for that matter, with my partner) about romantic feelings than inappropriately pine after one of us for years (!) with overly-familiar behaviour while secretly hoping for the demise of our relationship to get in my (her) pants.

But, again, I'm not really interested in a solution to this guy's particular problems, I'm much more interested in ending the perpetuation of the nice-guy-friend-zoned sexist bullsh**.
 
myrtlebee said:
You are not even addressing the point we were making. This is all fine and well, but you do not do this while someone is in a relationship, that is just called being a selfish *******.
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all's fair in love and war

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Iscariot said:
But, again, I'm not really interested in a solution to this guy's particular problems, I'm much more interested in ending the perpetuation of the nice-guy-friend-zoned sexist bullsh**.
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Friend-zone is a real thing, that really happens to many guys. I experienced it a few years back in high school. It was really ****** to say the least.
 
Iscariot said:
There's a litany of reasons why it can be appropriate to tell someone in a relationship that you are interested in them, and it can absolutely be done in a way that's respectful and without being an *******. That's because there's a huge difference between letting someone know that you have romantic feelings for them and suggesting they ditch their current partner and date you. Telling someone you have romantic interest in them is not the same as questioning their romantic loyalty, nor should it be construed as such. You can have a heart-to-heart discussion with someone about how you feel about them without a slimy wink and a suggestion of "just how married are you?"

It's far shadier and much more disrespectful to keep popping kindness coins in and hoping the relationship ends and sex falls out. Remember this isn't a case of "should I ask out a taken woman?" it's a case of "how do I stick around with unrequited feelings for years hoping that her relationship crumbles without seeming like a complete creep?"

I'd much rather somebody be upfront and honest with me (or for that matter, with my partner) about romantic feelings than inappropriately pine after one of us for years (!) with overly-familiar behaviour while secretly hoping for the demise of our relationship to get in my (her) pants.

But, again, I'm not really interested in a solution to this guy's particular problems, I'm much more interested in ending the perpetuation of the nice-guy-friend-zoned sexist bullsh**.
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I see what you're saying. I never really looked at it that way. I guess it is creepy that he's "keeping an eye on her" and still speaking with her. I still wouldn't ask her out - some posters here were telling him to do that. Now that's being an *******.

And, eric/ all is not fair in love and war, that's just sleazy. Hopefully someone will ask your girlfriend out for a date since it's "fair" and all.
 
I bet there'll be another one of these threads next year

By then she'll be married.

Hold, you're creepy as hell. Stop stalking the girl and move on with your life already
 
eric/ said:
If somebody does, than she certainly has the right to go with him.
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And you think it is acceptable and moral that another man interferes in your relationship and asks out your girlfriend who is in a relationship? Somehow I don't think you would be shaking the guy's hand when he comes to the door that Friday night for her or giving him money for the parking meter at the movie theater.
 
ok. You should not break them, but you should put a real stress on her.. Don't go all out for her, just ask her out to go eat something, somewhere at lunch. Just the two of you. Talk about weather, life, squirel, whatever you 2 like... And then do the same thing every week. BUT never try to steal a kiss or something. Never cheat and never let someone cheat for you...

If she didn't break up after 2 months, she'll stay with him, because even tho she might not be really happy, at least she's not alone. I think that's what most people who are still in a relationship they don't like, it's because they are afraid of what will happen next...
 
First of all, I did indeed open a thread a year and a half ago. At that point I wasn't sure about her relationship and she didn't know me all that well. As the weeks went by, I learned that she was in a serious relationship. Therefore I never asked her out. However, over that period of time, she asked to meet up many times and actually always invited a friend of hers or mine to join in so it wouldn't be awkward. Every time she sees me I get a big hug and a kiss on the cheek when we say goodbye. She also always insists that we share meals and stuff. Also I learned just today, that the fact that the two of us were transferred to the same office in work wasn't a coincidence. She requested it! She was in a relationship all that time too. I just thought it was a coincidence. I'm 99% sure that she knows that I like her. Over the time she was with her boyfriend, she never cheated on him but seemed to try and keep me around. I never went after her, I just agreed to meet up every time she asked. To be honest, it seems like she is doing the same thing I am. Waiting and trying to keep me around. I would never ask her out though if she has a boyfriend. And to all those that said I want to get in her pants. That is that last thing that is on my mind. I love this girl dearly, it's a relationship I want to share with her. If I wanted to get in bed with a girl I would do it with some slut from a local bar. I wouldn't wait a year and a half for it. I honestly don't think I am in the friend zone. Friend zone, the way I see it is when the boy runs around doing whatever the girl wants and gets nothing. We both help each other out equally. She is incredibly trustworthy and reliable as am I. We seem to enjoy the trust that has formed between us. Right now her relationship seems like it won't be going on for much longer. I really think I should wait just a little longer to be honest. It's not like i'm broken over this. As strange as it might sound, I don't have a desperate need to be in a relationship with a girl. I'm really quite happy being single. Only if it's someone really special would I want to give up being single. So waiting it out is not much of a problem at all.
However, I have been single since the first day I know her. And I know she, unlike me must be in a relationship. Maybe she likes me but thinks I want to stay single. She, unlike me is not cool at all with being single. I don't know If I should spill my heart out and let her know everything. Then she can choose between me and him. Maybe she is just sticking with him at this point because she doesn't have anything else on the table. However I think on the other hand that it is a sneaky thing to do. Also very disrespectful towards the current boyfriend. Maybe I should just wait it out a little longer - since I really do believe that her relationship will be over very soon (and that's not just me dreaming and fantasising).
 
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Hold said:
She, unlike me is not cool at all with being single.
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Okay, take a step back. Just listen to this. You think that this woman has been in a relationship for a good amount of time with her current boyfriend simply because she doesn't like being single. If you two were to date, she is not going to magically change. If she is like that with him, she'd be like that with you. If she fell out of love with you or lost feelings, she'd probably just stay with you out of fear of breaking up and being alone. Do you really want that hanging around in the back of your mind? Think about it.

Hold said:
I don't know If I should spill my heart out and let her know everything. Then she can choose between me and him. Maybe she is just sticking with him at this point because she doesn't have anything else on the table. However I think on the other hand that it is a sneaky thing to do. Also very disrespectful towards the current boyfriend.
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Yes, it would be.
 
Kissaragi said:
Hes clearly incapable of making up his mind.
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There's not really any choices to be made. He's already ruled out spilling his heart to her or asking for a date (which is good, in my opinion). The only other option is move on with his life and stop keeping track of her and if he finds out she's single later and wants to make a move, then do it.
 
Single dude forever......

Don't wait for her to be available to tell her how you feel.

It can do NO HARM to let her know.

Don't assume.

If she is interested, she now knows you are and has options. If the current boyfriend can't keep her, it's his fault.

If she is not interested, you can get a life and move on.
 
myrtlebee said:
And you think it is acceptable and moral that another man interferes in your relationship and asks out your girlfriend who is in a relationship? Somehow I don't think you would be shaking the guy's hand when he comes to the door that Friday night for her or giving him money for the parking meter at the movie theater.
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Nope, hence why love is grouped with war in the phrase.

I wouldn't do it to somebody I know and/or respect, but some schmuck I don't know? Couldn't care less.
 
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