It's dead. Time to move on and enjoy life. Better than staying worked up 24/7 about a piece of tech.
I bought a NUC Devil's Canyon last year to replace my 2009 C2D mini that got too slow. I still have a 2012 i7 quad in use which I'll have to replace sooner or later. I'd prefer a mac mini, so I'm still vested in this discussion, but literally every single mini I can buy in 2017 is slower than my 2012. Awesome work there Apple.