Scepticalscribe
macrumors Haswell
You may well have a point; indeed, this is a perspective insufficiently explored in the world.
Words which can only serve to gladden my heart...
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Broke with my girlfriend
- Thread starter LordQ
- Start date
- Sort by reaction score
You may well have a point; indeed, this is a perspective insufficiently explored in the world.
Words which can only serve to gladden my heart...
Foggydog
macrumors 6502
Hmmmm. Interesting thought, but my wife and I were in out forties and been married for 13 years when she decided she was BI, and needed to explore who she was inside. My anniversary present was divorce papers.
impulse462
macrumors 68020
I don't think I'd want to get back together with someone who, when told "I love you" says "me too." Seriously what is that? It's much worse than telling someone "I love you" and they say "ok" or "thanks". Me too? Really? I know a few people who would say something like that and they are the pits of the earth in my opinion.
You're better off OP
ravenvii
macrumors 604
Heh, that reminds me of a guy I used to know. He'd tell this story of when he was with a girl, and she'd keep telling him "I love you" and he'd reply "me too."
When they broke up, she'd ask if he was lying all along when he said that, and he'd tell her "I never lied -- I do love me."
Whomp!
Hieveryone
macrumors 603
These girls ain't loyal
Snub women get money
EDIT: Seriously, you should hit up some of these online sites and find you a ma that'll take good care of you. I'm talking about a girl that likes to get loose. You need that lovin. Heck, we all do.
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Scepticalscribe
macrumors Haswell
Yes, like the (no doubt apocryphal) story I was told in college about a dialogue between a guy and a gal which went as follows with: Guy to Gal: "You and I have one thing in common. You love me and I love me".
These girls ain't loyal
Snub women get money
EDIT: Seriously, you should hit up some of these online sites and find you a ma that'll take good care of you. I'm talking about a girl that likes to get loose. You need that lovin. Heck, we all do.
Where is that down vote button when you need it?
Posts such as this give rise to a repressed desire to request the return of the down vote button….
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mobilehaathi
macrumors G3
63dot
macrumors 603
I am one of many who gave you a thumbs up (8), and while I totally agree that 25 is a baby, you don't have to wait until anyone is 45 to trust them.
Imho, women come around to serious relationships far earlier than men. Sadly, too many men never quite grow up.😱
mscriv
macrumors 601
Allright, I recognize that you are in the painful rejection and self-doubt phase of this, but don't go down the road of self-pity or self-character assassination. Though it doesn't feel good at all, this is an incredible opportunity for learning more about yourself and more about relationships in general.
First and foremost no one is ever in a relationship by themselves and there is plenty of blame to go around. It's never 100% one person's fault that things take a turn for the worst. Both people in the relationship have to be willing to look at themselves and focus on taking responsibility for how they can be a better partner.
So, with that said, let's look at this "you weren't there for me" stuff. Comments like this are often made when someone in a relationship is more focused on themselves rather than their partner. Additionally, a statement like this can be a sign of poor communication. I get that you said the two of you "talked all the time", but simply talking about stuff and actually communicating feelings, hopes, and desires are two entirely different things.
Genuine intimacy comes when we are willing to be vulnerable with our partners and that means communicating our greatest needs despite our fear of rejection. From what you have described you were clueless about her feelings because she didn't clearly express them to you. "I thought I always knew when she was upset or sad" were your exact words. That tells me that you were in the common position of trying to guess or figure out what was going on with your partner as opposed to the two of you having reached the point where you can openly and honestly express when you are upset or feeling disconnected. Relationships with lack of communication, mind games, or manipulation are generally doomed for failure. If she wasn't willing to openly communicate with you but, instead wanted you to intuit or pick up on signs then you need to recognize that those kinds of action are unhealthy.
Mourning the loss of this relationship will take time, but spend that time wisely by seeking what you can learn from it. Explore what you want in your next relationship. What characteristics do you want in your next partner and how can you seek to be the best partner you can be? This kind of wisdom often only comes from life experience and that's where you are right now.
All the best and let me know if I can help out in any other way. 🙂
A.Goldberg
macrumors 68030
You can "try and work things out" if you'd like. Speaking from personal and observational experience, this rarely works out. I the end, it's a waste of a lot of time and energy into a situation that ends up being more disastrous, more chaotic, and even more upsetting.
Chances are, she's probably moved on, especially if she's seeing another guy already. If she was meeting guys behind your back, then she's already made the decision she wanted to move on and probably hung around the relationship longer than she felt comfortable to see what would happen. You don't want to spend the next x-number of weeks (or days) in some jerry rigged psuedo-relationship held together with duck tape, bungee cords, bobby pins, and paperclips... where the partner is sticking with you for the wrong reasons. These include pressure/over-encouragement from you or friends, because she feels guilty, because she wants some benefit from you (that's not you), etc.
I know it sucks, but it's the natural risk you take falling in love. Everything has it's cost, and with love, the cost of rejection is quite painful. All that positive emotional energy you put in is now being kicked back with negative emotional energy, call it the cost of feeling in love. You're probably finding a way to refute everything everyone telling you, but it's likely the reality. Nearly everyone that has had more than one partner has been through this before. I don't want to discourage a glimmer of hope, but if you are to get back together, now is probably not the best time.
Look at the Kübler-Ross Model (5 stages of grief)- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression. Whether it's a breakup, a death, a divorce, or some other significant form of loss, we all tend to use these coping mechanisms. If you look through your posts it's clear to see the Denial and Bargaining. Anger is not necessarily rage, yelling, breaking things, violence, etc, but it can blaming yourself or your ex. It's normal for you to be feeling what you're feeling, healthy for you to be sharing your feelings (difficult for most), and I hope you can reflect on your thoughts and feelings and assess them objectively (you may think you are, but its tricky when you're an emotional wreck).
As someone mentioned earlier, when you look back at this thread in some time, you'll probably have a completely different prospective. This girlfriend you hold in such high regard, to a degree of perfection, will no longer be a flawlessly formed diamond. You'll notice her wrongdoings, but hopefully and more importantly where you could have done better. The truth is, you may have done everything right, but sometimes everything is not good enough. We're dealing with human nature, it's irrational.
The best way to feel better is get back out into the world and keep living your life. Stay social, do things you enjoy. Your girlfriend may be gone but you still have a lot of good things in your life. Don't let your life pass you by over one person.
Chances are, she's probably moved on, especially if she's seeing another guy already. If she was meeting guys behind your back, then she's already made the decision she wanted to move on and probably hung around the relationship longer than she felt comfortable to see what would happen. You don't want to spend the next x-number of weeks (or days) in some jerry rigged psuedo-relationship held together with duck tape, bungee cords, bobby pins, and paperclips... where the partner is sticking with you for the wrong reasons. These include pressure/over-encouragement from you or friends, because she feels guilty, because she wants some benefit from you (that's not you), etc.
I know it sucks, but it's the natural risk you take falling in love. Everything has it's cost, and with love, the cost of rejection is quite painful. All that positive emotional energy you put in is now being kicked back with negative emotional energy, call it the cost of feeling in love. You're probably finding a way to refute everything everyone telling you, but it's likely the reality. Nearly everyone that has had more than one partner has been through this before. I don't want to discourage a glimmer of hope, but if you are to get back together, now is probably not the best time.
Look at the Kübler-Ross Model (5 stages of grief)- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression. Whether it's a breakup, a death, a divorce, or some other significant form of loss, we all tend to use these coping mechanisms. If you look through your posts it's clear to see the Denial and Bargaining. Anger is not necessarily rage, yelling, breaking things, violence, etc, but it can blaming yourself or your ex. It's normal for you to be feeling what you're feeling, healthy for you to be sharing your feelings (difficult for most), and I hope you can reflect on your thoughts and feelings and assess them objectively (you may think you are, but its tricky when you're an emotional wreck).
As someone mentioned earlier, when you look back at this thread in some time, you'll probably have a completely different prospective. This girlfriend you hold in such high regard, to a degree of perfection, will no longer be a flawlessly formed diamond. You'll notice her wrongdoings, but hopefully and more importantly where you could have done better. The truth is, you may have done everything right, but sometimes everything is not good enough. We're dealing with human nature, it's irrational.
The best way to feel better is get back out into the world and keep living your life. Stay social, do things you enjoy. Your girlfriend may be gone but you still have a lot of good things in your life. Don't let your life pass you by over one person.
Hieveryone
macrumors 603
This is what I don't understand about men.
As soon as someone gives good relationship advice, another dude has to "down vote" it.
Seriously, what do you suggest he do? Can you think of anything better?
When a girl acts like a you know what, and they all do at times, you go out, get wasted, and get freaky in the sheets with some other girls.
That's EXACTLY what you do. And if you don't, you know what will happen?
You will end up on forums crying and not eating and being sad.
If a patient doesn't take his medicine, he will be sick.
Hieveryone
macrumors 603
A.Goldberg
macrumors 68030
These girls ain't loyal
Snub women get money
EDIT: Seriously, you should hit up some of these online sites and find you a ma that'll take good care of you. I'm talking about a girl that likes to get loose. You need that lovin. Heck, we all do.
Well, the difference between you and him is that he actually experiences love, and that evidently is what he is looking for in a relationship. It does not appear that he treats woman like material objects good for two things- sex and showing off to other people. Sex might impersonate love, but it's not and will not fill the void. For someone that actually knows how to love (something other than money and material objects) and does love, having rebound sex will only make ultimately he/she more depressed and just bring new feelings of guilt.
Your advice is far from what I would consider "good". It may be your narcissistic/sociopathic dream to marry what my friend would call a "FFCTW" - "Fairfield Country Trophy Wife". Essentially it's a young, attractive, usually uneducated social climbing gold digger in FFC, Connecticut. I'm intrigued you're life plan has been so profoundly inspired by watching The Wolf of Wallstreet, but I don't think everyone subscribes to this desire or lifestyle. You will say that then they're losers because they're not rich, but out of all the rich people I know (I grew up in FFC and my parents were affluent), 95% of people do not live like that. Their is something called "class" that many people appreciate, and it does not involve being promiscuous nor does it support bragging at every opportunity. You're Wolf of Wallstreet delusion is about as glamorized, actually much more glamorized, as just about any teen movie Prom scene. In reality, the majority people are far too busy working and traveling than partying.
Anyways, back to the point here, finding woman to sleep with will likely only create more issues than it will solve. I suppose the another risk would be falling in love with an unsuitable person just to fill the void.
Hieveryone
macrumors 603
Dude, you have got to stop taking life so serious man. I mean that.
The OP needs to get a girl that likes to get loose ok?
It's just 1 night. If he doesn't like it, then don't do it again.
This psycho-analysis is driving me nuts. No need to think so much.
Just live, have fun, enjoy, try things, hook up, drank, u know 😉
OP, don't cry and stop eating. Get a girl. Seriously. It will help u.
A.Goldberg
macrumors 68030
Thank you buddy,
Actually we spoke yesterday and talked more calmly. I offered her a new beginning, start from zero but she told me that she does not trust in me after our fight this Saturday. She does not love me anymore and she was not being happy with me... I told her "why didn't you told me this before? we could've worked things out".
I know that she is not seeing anyone, she was never seeing anyone behind my back, that's something we never did, we really loved each other so I'm sure she won't have a relationship tomorrow, but she is clearly moving on and I am completely devastated here.
And yesterday we talked like 10 minutes and she told me "If you think we can work this out, do, don't speak and don't promise, actions speak louder than words... but right now I can't offer you anything" So I really don't know what to do or what to think. I've been trying to make her laugh, make her feel good with things I know she loves but she replies like 4 hours later with completely unrelated things.
There's one thing though, her grandma is on terminal state and I'm not sure if I should go to see her when she dies... I think we can see each other and understand that it was just a stupid fight and that we still support and love each other? I am on a sea of confusion right now.
A.Goldberg
macrumors 68030
I suppose it may be reassuring that she was indeed loyal to you. She is right, actions do speak louder than words, so I think your best choice now is to give her the space she needs. Talking likely won't win her back. If she doesn't want to be around you, then your actions cannot be clearly shown other than giving her space. If she changes her mind she'll get in touch with you. Being pestered by someone knowing exactly their root intention is frustrating to deal with. Give it some time, if things are meant to work out they will. It might be fair to consider that part of her stress is caused by her dying grandmother and whatever feeling that evokes may transfer to your relationship.
How much time does grandma have left? "Terminal" generally assumes up to 6 months, though not always and obviously it's not accurate. My point is this could be a complete nonissue.
For the postmortem visit, are you talking about seeing the grandmother or ex? In the case of a funeral, I think it all depends on your intention. If you're going because you knew and cared about the grandmother that's one thing. If you go to support your ex but ultimately want to go to win her back (like you never met the grandma), your actions may be seen as disingenuous and possibly insulting.
If you're talking about seeing your ex privately, that might be tricky. If she's already upset about breaking up, seeing you might make her feel worse. I would suggest rather than showing up unannounced, contact her and ask her if you can visit/needs someone to talk to. If she feels overwhelmed by the death and then has to deal with relationship issues, she will just be more overwhelmed- so don't bring up the relationship if you do speak/see her in that time. You don't want her to feel like you're exploiting her emotional vulnerability.
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This is a great post. True wisdom.
That's a good idea, I think first and foremost will give her some space, it's just too early to be thinking on another chance... Regarding her grandma, yes, I knew her and I care for her family so I think it would be better if, assuming she tells me when she passes away, I should go to the funeral or visit her. She was with me when my grandma died a year ago and that's the least I could do, support her, perhaps not as a partner but as a sympathy.
It's pretty clear to me that you aren't aware of your temper and how you behave when angry. This is the crux of the break-up. While you think this has to do with one fight last Saturday, your former girlfriend has seen it come up time and time again. She doesn't trust you. She has seen too much.
And you think you can make that all better by making her laugh a time or two? Get real! She knows that it takes just one wrong word or moment and out pops the ugly, angry you. That is what she is trying to tell you. People don't fall out of love after one fight. They fall out of love when they believe there is no hope. Apparently, this has occurred often enough that you've drained her of hope that you can be a kind, compassionate and loving man.
Please use this opportunity to honestly look within yourself and really examine your behavior. You paid a high price for it, but if you use this opportunity to learn how to live better and relate better, then something good will have come from it.
theres plenty more fish in the sea. Get out and find someone. First make sure to open yourself to the possibility you can love again. Its easier than you think. Good luck 🙂
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mscriv
macrumors 601
* Bold emphasis mine
Sadly, what she is saying to you is only furthering my suspicion that she is being self-focused and inconsistent. She is telling you "actions speak louder than words" and giving you a sense of hope that if you take just the right actions that things could improve. However, she is not being open and honest about what kinds of actions are meaningful or hurtful to her and how it makes her feel when you do those things. This is also intensified by the fact that it's a long distance relationship. All of your interaction with each other has to be intentional so she needs to be clear about her desires, expectations, and feelings.
As you said, "I don't know what to do or what to think." Partners that communicate and want to improve the relationship communicate their feelings clearly and take the lead in helping their significant other understand. For example, one partner might say to the other, "when a discussion gets out of control, voices get raised, accusations made, and insults abound... I feel disrespect and unloved. Those kinds of things make me want to withdraw and instill a fear in me that my feelings aren't important. What would help me would be for us to take a break when a conversation starts to get heated. We can resume things when we are both calm and when we can actually empathize with each other in the situation. What do you think? What is it like for you when we get into a conflict and how could we handle it in a way that helps you feel we are working on it together."
Similarly, a partner might say, "I just need some space right now. Can you not call or message me for the rest of the week so I can think through things..."
A friend of mine once said don't get upset at someone who crosses your boundaries if you never took the time to communicate to them what your boundaries are in the first place.
The truth is very few of us know how to effectively communicate with our loved ones. I'm not picking on her, but simply trying to help you see that if she is unable to clearly communicate what she wants then you are always going to be in this state of limbo not knowing if you are doing the "right" thing in any given situation. That's just a recipe for anxiety, fear, mistrust, and ultimate disappointment.
That being said, you can't control or "fix" her and likewise she can't control or "fix" you. All you can do is focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be. Seek out character flaws or weaknesses that you can work to improve and take action on that. The best way to have a fulfilling and healthy relationship is to be the best partner you can be and you are 100% in control of that.
Don't pressure her or do things with the sole focus of winning her back. Just move forward with improving yourself and if you want to keep her in the loop regarding what's going on in your life then do so. You can express interest in how she is doing and what's going on in her life, but do so with no expectation that she will communicate or reciprocate. If she wants you to still be a part of her life she will keep those lines of communication open. If she doesn't, then her actions will let you know that. Basically, have no expectations and like I said in my first post, focus on how you can grow and learn from this experience.
Thank you very much, those are kind words. 🙂
Oh and if you really want her back. I wouldn't if I were you but anyway. She knows exactly where you are, what you are doing, ALL THE TIME! you need to make her not know what you are upto, get out, be elusive, don't tell her where you are when she asks or what you've been upto etc be vague, make her guess, make her panic she's loosing you, and don't under estimate the jealousy angle. Get a girl or pretend to have one around who's interested in you *cough*
but stop being available like a little puppy. Dont be where she left you, don't be where she expects you to be, don't be doing what she expects. Oh I may text him, where is he, oh he's sat in his room crying and writing sad ****.
NO!
oh I texted him and he's not replying, where is he, mind ****, heart flutter.
😀 😉
and you can lie about all of that whilst still sitting in your room.
oh and one last bit of advice that took me years to get to grips with, offered to me at a young age on a break up. Be nice, be so nice that all they can hate you for is for being nice.
but stop being available like a little puppy. Dont be where she left you, don't be where she expects you to be, don't be doing what she expects. Oh I may text him, where is he, oh he's sat in his room crying and writing sad ****.
NO!
oh I texted him and he's not replying, where is he, mind ****, heart flutter.
😀 😉
and you can lie about all of that whilst still sitting in your room.
oh and one last bit of advice that took me years to get to grips with, offered to me at a young age on a break up. Be nice, be so nice that all they can hate you for is for being nice.