Devestated

[LizKat]

My 11 year old daughter was suffering with flu like symptoms. The doctor said she tested negative for the flu but treated her as though she had it. 3 days later, my daughter needed to be rushed to the hospital where we learned that she had an infection that attacked her heart and kidneys. 8 hours later, on 02/18, I lost my 11 year old daughter. There are no words to describe my pain and agony. No comfort, no joy in life. Nights are the toughest. All I can do is sit and stare at a blank wall. I feel as though my heart will burst. My baby has gone where I can not follow. At times it’s unbearable to even live.

I know something of the breaking of bonds that can never really be broken. I pray for your ability to surrender to the reality of what has happened, float on the grief and let the joy your daughter brought you save your own life going forward. It is what she would have taken for granted of your strength, and so you will find a way to bear more lightly in time your love for her. You will remain in my prayers.

 

[RootBeerMan]

You have my most heartfelt condolences, @Raist3001. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You are going through every parents worst nightmare and nothing any of us can say will truly make things better. Don't be afraid to seek help, if and when you need it. Your daughter would not want you to suffer.

 

[Raist3001]

Breath by breath is how I am trying to survive.

 

[ptukhar]

So sorry for your loss. Condolences to you and your family.

 

[eyoungren]

I've been avoiding commenting here in this thread because my own daughter is 10 (she'll be 11 in June) and I don't want to think about what that would be like.

Because your experience is telling me what it would be like and I can't deal with that. My mind refuses to accept it.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you and I can only hope that somehow things get better for you.

My condolences.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Breath by breath is how I am trying to survive.

In our thoughts. Draw close to those around you.

 

[maflynn]

Words cannot describe the feeling of loss and sorrow and so my prayers go out to you and your family as you deal with this crushing blow

 

[Raist3001]

I see the shadows of my grief everywhere. The emptiness is overwhelming.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I see the shadows of my grief everywhere. The emptiness is overwhelming.

The only thing I can say is to tell you to be kind to yourself, and give yourself time and space and allow the grief, heartbreak and sorrow out, allow yourself to express it.

Cry if you want (and need), and cherish and treasure your private bank of memories - I find myself smiling whenever I think of my mum - and visit them often.

Music and poetry may help - but each person is different. Take solace and comfort wherever you can find it, but allow yourself to feel the pain and sorrow. Healing - if it ever completely occurs, which I doubt - will take time; ages and ages, years, rather than months or days.

Accept small kindnesses and treasure them, too; you will never forget small kindnesses that have been offered, unconditionally, at such times.

 

[Raist3001]

Yesterday was very difficult for me. Yesterday was 2 weeks since my daughter passed.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Yesterday was very difficult for me. Yesterday was 2 weeks since my daughter passed.

For some time, the feel of the day of the week she died - or the actual hour - will have a powerfully different feel to it as memories of the actual passing will continue to visit you.

Allow yourself to feel this, and cherish these memories. Eventually, the memories of who she was, and your relationship with her may take precedence over the manner of her death.

Take it one day at a time, and give yourself permission to feel and grieve.

I think that the Victorians had it right to some extent; they understood that grief must make its way, that it must be allowed and expressed, and visibly.

 

[yaxomoxay]

I think that the Victorians had it right to some extent; they understood that grief must make its way, that it must be allowed and expressed, and visibly.

yeah, the idea that we should keep grief - and feelings - hidden is quite novel. I read somewhere that in the middle ages it was very common to share grief and happiness in a way that we would find extreme today.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

yeah, the idea that we should keep grief - and feelings - hidden is quite novel. I read somewhere that in the middle ages it was very common to share grief and happiness in a way that we would find extreme today.

And the Victorians understood this - even if they over formalised it - that this process takes time, and that it is not necessarily linear in nature, and that this time of heightened emotions and sensitivity to the concept of the mortal should be recognised (hence mourning attire) as sometime special and out of the ordinary.

Indeed, in a bizarre way, the clothing marked the state of grief expressed.

 

[yaxomoxay]

And the Victorians understood this - even if they over formalised it - that this process takes time, and that it is not necessarily linear in nature, and that this time of heightened emotions and sensitivity to the concept of the mortal should be recognised (hence mourning attire) as sometime special and out of the ordinary.

Indeed, in a bizarre way, the clothing marked the state of grief expressed.

Yep, I remember that often elderly widows used to dress in black for weeks or months back in Italy. I remember one - grandmother of a friend of mine - that dressed in black from the day her husband died to the day she died about a decade later.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Yep, I remember that often elderly widows used to dress in black for weeks or months back in Italy. I remember one - grandmother of a friend of mine - that dressed in black from the day her husband died to the day she died about a decade later.

It can be overdone, of course, and certainly, there was a culture of controlling women in terms of how grief was publicly expressed, but I think there is little harm in enabling some sort of convention whereby people are allowed to express that they are poleaxed with grief, and that this be acknowledged rather than expecting them to return to a 'normal' groove as if nothing had happened.

Your own sense of mortality - and that for those whom you love - is hugely heightened, and your sensitivity to matters of life and death (and commensurate indifference to much of the mundane) much more acute; small kindnesses and small hurts - both thoughtless or casual or cruel hurts - are all felt much more intensely and intimately.

It passes, eventually, a process that can take years, but you will never be quite the same person you were before the loss you mourn occurred.

 

[Raist3001]

Desperately needed to take a family leave for at least 30 days. My boss told me if I did not return to work this Monday, I would lose my job. I work in an environment with less than 10 employees, so family leave laws do not apply.
I have to somehow find the strength to get up for work, where my daughter will not be there for me to say good morning to, and come home to an empty house where my daughter will no longer be. Sometimes I wish the darkness would come for me.

 

[yaxomoxay]

Desperately needed to take a family leave for at least 30 days. My boss told me if I did not return to work this Monday, I would lose my job. I work in an environment with less than 10 employees, so family leave laws do not apply.
I have to somehow find the strength to get up for work, where my daughter will not be there for me to say good morning to, and come home to an empty house where my daughter will no longer be. Sometimes I wish the darkness would come for me.

Your daughter would not want you to lose your job because of her. This has to give you the strength. She wants you to take care of her mom.
You have to. For your daughter.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Desperately needed to take a family leave for at least 30 days. My boss told me if I did not return to work this Monday, I would lose my job. I work in an environment with less than 10 employees, so family leave laws do not apply.
I have to somehow find the strength to get up for work, where my daughter will not be there for me to say good morning to, and come home to an empty house where my daughter will no longer be. Sometimes I wish the darkness would come for me.

That sucks. I’m so sorry. My employer was very understanding with my family issues. My experience was work provided a distraction. But at times it was overwhelming. Just had to find a quiet corner and cry.
The journey home was always worse. When it would come flooding back.

It will get better, but it will never go away. Stay strong.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Desperately needed to take a family leave for at least 30 days. My boss told me if I did not return to work this Monday, I would lose my job. I work in an environment with less than 10 employees, so family leave laws do not apply.
I have to somehow find the strength to get up for work, where my daughter will not be there for me to say good morning to, and come home to an empty house where my daughter will no longer be. Sometimes I wish the darkness would come for me.

In my world, employers tend to be relatively understanding of such issues, but I know that is not the case everywhere.

Work can offer a distraction, as @yaxomoxay and @Apple fanboy have both pointed out, (and I agree), and this is not the time to lose your job.

However, the memory of those kind of hurts administered at such a time may linger, and I have known several people (including my brother) who subsequently left positions - or had made their minds up to leave positions and followed through on it (but only when they had something better lined up) - precisely because of a lack of understanding by employers over leave and support during family bereavements. This stuff matters.

Perhaps, you may consider seeking different employment, but now is not the time to do that, but I would recommend that you mull it over, or open your mind to the possibility.

In his current position, he is a solicitor wit a local authority - and my mum had died over Christmas - most of my brother's close colleagues (including his boss) made their way to attend my mum's funeral - a close friend of his who was on holidays even following it by webcam.

For now, try to stay strong, and cherish the memories of your daughter. Take it one day at a time.

 

[AustinIllini]

Sorry for your loss, OP. Stay strong. One day at a time.

 

[Raist3001]

Breath by Breath. I had to return to work today. Did not have a good day. Today marks 3 weeks since my baby girl passed. I managed to make it through the entire day though. Not without my break downs. Work did keep me busy, but the demons would not let up.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Breath by Breath. I had to return to work today. Did not have a good day. Today marks 3 weeks since my baby girl passed. I managed to make it through the entire day though. Not without my break downs. Work did keep me busy, but the demons would not let up.

Breakdowns are healthy. Bottling it up is not.
Anyone that would expect you to perform at 100% at the moment is a moron.

Try to remember the good times and draw close to those around you.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Breakdowns are healthy. Bottling it up is not.
Anyone that would expect you to perform at 100% at the moment is a moron.

Try to remember the good times and draw close to those around you.

Sound advice, informed by lived experience. Well said.

 

[PracticalMac]

My 11 year old daughter was suffering with flu like symptoms. The doctor said she tested negative for the flu but treated her as though she had it. 3 days later, my daughter needed to be rushed to the hospital where we learned that she had an infection that attacked her heart and kidneys. 8 hours later, on 02/18, I lost my 11 year old daughter. There are no words to describe my pain and agony. No comfort, no joy in life. Nights are the toughest. All I can do is sit and stare at a blank wall. I feel as though my heart will burst. My baby has gone where I can not follow. At times it’s unbearable to even live.

My sincere condolences.
Please be strong and seek friends to help you deal with the tragic loss.
We are all here to support one another.


(I do not frequent CD, only just now saw this)

 

[AdamNC]

I just saw this. I am so very sorry for your loss. I know all to well what you are going through. I lost my 15 year old daughter to mental illness 4 years ago. And the year before that my father. Grief is a bitch. It whispers nasty things in your ear, and all kinds of could haves, should haves and well it sucks. The best advice I have is take things slowly and seek help if needed. As for work do your best each day to go do your job and then go home and relax.
As silly as it sounds find a place where you can scream at the top of your lungs. My therapist told me to try it and after a good few primal screams I somehow felt less stressed.
When my father passed a dream became a nightmare for me. I dreamt every night I was a little boy lost in a huge store. This went on for 4 months and my therapist finally told me to go to bed and keep repeating dad don’t let me get lost tonight. It took a few nights but it worked. The nightmare stopped.

Also on Amazon look up the book Good Grief. It’s a very helpful book. It’s a fast read and will help.

Also take time with your wife. Go out for walks and just sit and hold each other.

You will survive. You have to. Take care and remember that your daughters love for you.