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Devestated
- Thread starter Raist3001
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Actually, I think that counting is very healthy; it allows the marking of distance (which is unbelievable) and time (which is even more so).
I posted elsewhere that it is a little over three months since my mum passed - a fact that I find almost impossible to process at times.
As others have posted, you can't tell the future, and you cannot blame yourself for not knowing what was about to happen.
You did the best you could for her and she knew you loved her; perfection is something we can only dream about and aspire to when we feel strong enough.
Be kind to yourself, and remember to call to mind - to visit the memory bank of - the good times, what made her laugh and smile, what she enjoyed, the sort of stuff that you shared together.
And take it one day at a time.
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Everyone grieves in a different way. Don't judge yourself. Be proud of your ability to find ways to get even stronger. You've been handed the most difficult of situations and are still standing. That is an accomplishment in and of itself. Write down every time you beat down negativity and recognize it as a win. Every day you stay on your feet you've shown yourself and everyone else what being strong looks like. Be well. Keep posting. We're all with you.
Using outlets like this to vent is much healthier than bottling it up. Vent away.
In the real world as well as online.
Look after yourself.
Well thank you kind sir, I sure do love visiting Texas, haha. I had a medical conference in Texas a few years back in Houston.
I do my job because I love it, AND because there is a massive issue with Psychiatry right now where most psychiatrists are older men (55+) and a lot are Indian (from India - nothing wrong with that) and they still practice the way they were taught when they were in medical school, which was just to put the patient on medications, follow up either every 3 months, or 6 months. When they come back for their followup the psychiatrist usually asks "how are you feeling?" If you answer anything like, "Well, my depression does not seem to be getting better." The psychiatrist would then more than likely up the dose of your original medication, or add another medication to your current medication, or change your original medication. This might work with some people, like "Rapid Cyclers" who their medicine works for a little bit and then because of a chemical imbalance, all of the sudden it just stops working. They can go through more than 10 different medications in a year!
Well, I am 33 and psychiatrists my age were taught better, since we have learned more about mental illness a lot since back in the 1960's. We have learned that there is a 85-90% success rate when you prescribe medication AND perform cognitive behavioral therapy (basically talk therapy.) I personally do not like to prescribe medicine unless I absolutely have to because SSRI's like Prozac, and SSNRI's, like Wellbutrin/Wellbutrin XL really do not seem to work that well, and they have some serious side effects the most dangerous being "Serotonin Syndrome," (which can kill you) "Tardive Dyskinesia," (which causes you to have abnormal, or impaired voluntary movement) and also common side effects like weight gain which can lead to medication induced-diabetes, unless with Wellbutrin XL you are trying to quit smoking, which it does help with quite well.
Anti-psychotics, like Seroquel, I really do not like to use AT ALL except in really tough cases of schizophrenia, bipolar I disorder w/ mania, bipolar disorder-acute depressive. It works well for those disorders, but I have seen older psychiatrists prescribe Seroquel to people who simply have insomnia, problem is they might get a good nights sleep, but they will not be able to function in the morning or afternoon. Makes zero sense, and my blood boil. If you have a patient with insomnia start with Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, Rozerem, and Sonata. You know, the drugs that were made specifically for insomnia! NEVER let a psychiatrist give you an anti-depressant or anti-psychotic for sleep UNLESS you cannot take "sedative-hypnotics" which is what most all sleeping pills I listed are, except for Rozerem, which is pharmaceutical grade Melatonin.
I try and do cognitive behavioral therapy with all my patients before I add a medication because it is so much safer, and the results speak for themselves, and sometimes just doing cognitive behavioral therapy helps a patient...they just needed to talk and get everything off their chest. It is horrible for your mental state to keep things locked up and hidden inside you. Talk to a best friend that you trust, talk to your parents if it is appropriate, talk to a counselor or psychologist, or talk to a psychiatrist.
God bless you all.
If you are indeed a practicing psychiatrist I have no idea what planet you went to medicial school on. I don’t even know where to begin... I believe it was last year a landmark meta analysis was published (in the Lancet?) supporting the efficacy of SSRIs. Wellbutrin is not an SNRI (one S, not two), it’s an NDRI (norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitor). Rapid cycling refers to bipolar disorder, not depression. Conventional antidepressants are usually NOT reccomended in bipolar as they increase the risk of mania. Serotonin Syndrome is quite rare these days. Tardive Dyskenisia is primarily associated with antipsychotics, not antidepressants. Some AP’s are used for their antidepressant effects, but they’re still considered antipsychotics. I agree antipsychotics are not appropriate first line therapy in insomnia, but generally lifestyle modifications and CBT if possible are first line. Pharmacotherapy depends entirely on patient specific factors but sedative hypnotics and BZDs are not reccomended long term. Rozerem IS NOT “pharmaceutical grade” melatonin, they are two entirely different compounds with different indications. I understand a conservative approach, but you have clearly indicated a thorough lack of competency. And your subtle remark against of Indian-Americans is offensive.
TLDR; Please, no one listen to this person or seek their advice. If you need medical advice or psychiatric help, see a qualified professional in person.
I appologize for interrupting this solemn thread to call someone out, but I don’t agree with spreading blatantly false medical information. If you have a comment you can PM me so as not to distract anymore from the nature and intention of this thread.
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Really sorry to hear about this, Raist3001. I can't imagine how I or my family would handle such a travesty. Hopefully, time will heal the wounds a bit where life will become more bearable for you and your family, as it often does.
I am so angry all the time. So angry that my daughter won't realize her hopes and her dreams. So utterly devastated that I have lost my child. Time can not heal this broken heart. Time only serves to remind me of what I have lost, and what I can no longer experience.
Time will - if not heal - at least lessen the pain of losing your daughter.
And anger is a totally understandable emotion to feel at this time.
The pain will always be there, but it may more resemble a dull ache, rather than raw agony; the raw agony will not go away - it will pierce you sometimes unexpectedly with savage power; it is just that you may find that it does not rule your every thinking minute of every day.
Allow the pain to express itself, it shows that you are human that you loved (and were loved) but also allow the good an happy and positive memories to come and pay you a visit.
I derive considerable comfort in thinking about my mum, - the memories are positive, and warm - and today, which happens to be my birthday is the first I have experienced without her - something both brothers remarked on when they got in touch - not that she knew of my birthdays for most of the past decade as she had advanced dementia.
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Live the life she wanted you to live, not the one she would NOT want you to live. At that age making dad and mom happy is everything; don't let anger to become uncontrolled.
She won't realize her dreams, but she also won't see the darkness that everyone encounters in life. It's a two sided coin; you shouldn't focus only on the potentiality of the shiny side because it would be an incomplete evaluation. She will not see you and her mom die, for example. She will not suffer loss (of any kind), or pain. Her death is asking you too do what she would've loved to see from you. You love her, make her life something positive.
Unfortunately, none of us get out of this thing alive. Some lives are tragically very short. Others are longer but still feel like the blink of an eye. Live your life and find ways to honor her and her memory. Stopping yourself from moving forward won’t fix it and is it akin to torturing yourself. Celebrate her memory and when your ready learn to make new memories. Maybe eventually help others who are dealing with loss as a way to honor her and turn your loss into something that can benefit others. You’re not alone and you will find ways to keep going. Every day has a beginning and every day has an end. Make the short time in between matter.
Happy Birthday. Thank you for taking some time to respond with kind words. I have taken them to heart.
My anger is inward. Nothing about me would ever make me act upon this anger. I would never hurt or look to hurt any living soul.
i think of this as well. The world will not be able to corrupt her innocence. I love her beyond what words could ever express. I will try to find the way and the will to honor her.
Thank you for your kind wishes.
And do try to find a way to honour her in your life.
As @yaxomoxay says, make her life something positive, and do what she would have loved to have seen from you.
In a way, be her eyes and ears in the world of the living - salute and honour what you know she would have liked.
Make her proud of you, and, as @dotzero123 suggests, celebrate her memory - a friend of mine recommended creating what he described as a bank of memories and paying it regular visits.
If possible try to turn her loss into something that can benefit others, and when you are ready - a process that will take a lot of time - allow yourself - give yourself permission - to create new memories.
My parents, especially my mother, were passionate gardeners; after my father's death, my mother derived extraordinary comfort - and creative satisfaction - from gardening. She had the proverbial "green fingers". Actually, she referred to gardening as "food for the soul".
Now, although I have always liked gardens, I look at them with fresh eyes, thinking of what my mother would have liked and smiling at the thought; she disliked anything too tame and mannered, allowing a little wildness to flourish, and policed it vigorously against intruders such as snails, slugs, and predatory insects, and, indeed, some cats (other cats were welcomed).
Well said and I agree with you.
At least this is something to hold on to. Though I assume it's not much comfort. I have never lost anyone that I've been really close to yet, so I have no idea what you are going through. We all react in different ways but I doubt this is something that just passes with time. It will probably come to the forefront time and time again and it will take great strength to keep going. I hope you find that strength and don't give up so you can live a full life. Maybe when the time comes, you will get to see her again on the other side.
I know it's not easy but don't forget your spouse, you will need to support each other through this difficult time so that you don't lose each other to this overwhelming grief in the process.
Stay strong!
There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said.
My father died unexpectedly at 57, 27 years ago. For years, it didn't seem real. He's been gone over half my life now.
That being said, I can barely handle a TV/Movie character losing their child. I have an 18 year old daughter and 13 year old son. Although I don't tell them that I can't live without them, I'm not sure I would respond much better than you are right now.
My father died unexpectedly at 57, 27 years ago. For years, it didn't seem real. He's been gone over half my life now.
That being said, I can barely handle a TV/Movie character losing their child. I have an 18 year old daughter and 13 year old son. Although I don't tell them that I can't live without them, I'm not sure I would respond much better than you are right now.
All I can say is I can't imagine what you must be going through, so sorry for your loss. We all grieve in different ways and you chose to share your experience with us here, among friends in a welcoming community and I'm thankful for that. Hang in there, there's tons of great support here.
Anger is one the natural stages of grief. I can totally get it.
Just be kind to yourself. Don’t expect things to magically get better over night, or to ever get over this.
But in time the pain will not be all consuming as it is now.
Take care.
My daughter Halainah Grace and I shared a love of all things Apple. She loved her iPad and was already taking control of my iMac. I got her an iPhone 6+ for Christmas which she absolutely loved. It may be silly, but I still text her each morning to say hello, and to tell her how much I miss and love her.
Nothing sad about that. I read through the texts I shared with my daughter to remember the relationship we had.
Lose is hard to deal with.
I wish I could say I am doing better. But i am not. The days get harder. I feel frozen, not able to live forward. I face each day with heartache and tears knowing I must do so without my daughter. I face heartache on the drive home from work knowing she wont be there. I am trying though. I am trying to replace the sorrow with the joy my daughter brought me. How rare and truly beautiful it is that she existed. Thank you for asking.
Trying is the most heroic thing a man can do.
Hang in there. I cleared my daughters room prior to decorating at the weekend. I couldn’t even go in there at first.
But three years 4 months later we knew we could face it.
There were tears, but that’s part of the grieving process.
Your nowhere near there yet as it’s been a much shorter time frame.
Take care of yourself and those around you. Thinking of you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Its been 9 weeks since my daughter passed. An eternity of time. And I have an eternity of time before me. Each day I try to find one special thing she did. I find a plethora of memories. I try to focus on one and turn that one memory into joy. Its tough.
It is. But it will get less all consuming as life moves on.
Just move forward a day at a time and at your own pace.