Is there ANY way out...

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
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Cork, Ireland.
...of the dreaded "Friend Zone"? I hate that term - it makes the whole love/lust/dating/romance/sex thing sound like an American field sport, instead of what it truly is... a cruel and unusual form of medieval torture.;)

I'd really appreciate any advice from any female posters, though any and all advice is welcome from everyone. Even automated spam-bots.

Ok, some background: I'm 33, single, know absolutely nothing about women whatsoever, and have the backbone of a lump of jelly. I have many female friends, but I would never, ever, approach a stranger in a bar or club and ask her out or ask for her number. I guess you could say I'm pretty backward in being forward.

But this is a specific problem: I've been receiving (private) Spanish lessons for about a year now, changing teachers from time to time as they return home. When I started being tutored by my latest teacher - who shall remain nameless here (don't worry, she has several names in real life) - I didn't think anything of it.

Then one day as I nearly fell off the couch laughing at something she said, I realised I'd fallen head over heels for her. I realised we'd the same sense of humour, we both loved Irish music, and Spanish dancing, and drinking until we forget how bad our jokes are, and flirting endlessly.

This love/lust/crush/infatuation just snuck up on me and caught me completely unawares. Just like those sneaky miniature elephants that sneak up on you and nibble on your ankles. (If you don't know about them - it just shows how sneaky they really are).

Just as I was working my way through my customary 3,763 point checklist ("does she like me too?" "could she like me?" "is it inappropriate when she works for me?" "are we fr**nds?" etc..etc..) before letting her know how I feel, she told me she'd just met someone else. Bummer.

To cut a (far too) long story short, what should I doooooooo?

a) Nothing. Meet up with her twice a week for lessons feeling just a little bit more miserable each time.
b) Throw hissy fit. Tell her I can't keep doing lessons with her as it's too hard spending so much time with someone who just wants to be friends when I want so much more. And lose the funniest, most interesting person in my life.
c) ....help me out here guys, I'm run out of ideas!
 

SilentPanda

Moderator emeritus
Oct 8, 2002
9,993
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The Bamboo Forest
You could sit around and wonder if it coulda been and watch her eventually leave for somebody else while still wondering or....

You could find out if it can be and if it can't you're no worse off in the long run... and if it can be... you're golden. :)

That's my thought when the same happens to me.
 

MongoTheGeek

macrumors 68040
Does she have a boyfriend?

If not just kiss her. Some moment when you are together and laughing, just kiss her. Do it with confidence. Chicks dig assertive guys.

If she returns it you have a yes. If not she you have a no. If she gets upset apologize and forget about it. You can still be friends but in all likelyhood that is all that will happen.

Most importantly, don't overthink it.
 

Palad1

macrumors 6502a
Feb 24, 2004
647
0
London, UK
You asked for it

tyrus papagena said:
Hurry! Limited time only!
YOUTH is BACK!

Force your body to get younger!

Its not magic, its science. Hormones will make you younger, like in 18 y.o.
Is she single? If so, ask her out for a date.. let's meet in town and have a drink/coffee, see an exhibit, something innocuous, even spanish-related... Is there a spanish artist in your area?

C'mon billy! Take matters in your hands, but think before doing something childish!
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
6,560
628
Cork, Ireland.
SilentPanda said:
You could find out if it can be and if it can't you're no worse off in the long run... and if it can be... you're golden. :)
You're probably right, I know; unfortunately I'm still a chicken (and a headless one, when it comes to women). To me, "40 Year Old Virgin" is a cautionary documentary.

Pity you can't buy a spine on the Internet, I really need one.
 

Foxglove9

macrumors 68000
Jan 14, 2006
1,568
173
New York City
I think you should continue your lessons with her, unless your attraction for her is distracting you from learning, then I would end your lessons soon so you don't waste money.

You should handle this situation respectfully. Kindly ask her how the date went, and how everything is doing..you know, just like you would normally. If she just met this other person I don't think it is too much for you to ask her to go out for coffee or dinner or something harmless like that. And if that goes well take it from there, if she declines then well... be prepared for that too.
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
6,560
628
Cork, Ireland.
MongoTheGeek said:
Does she have a boyfriend?

If not just kiss her. Some moment when you are together and laughing, just kiss her. Do it with confidence. Chicks dig assertive guys.
That nearly happened on a couple of occasions, exactly as you put it!

Unfortunately, I think she has started going out with someone now, for a few weeks, though I don't think it's very serious it still is a big virtual kick in the nethers.

MongoTheGeek said:
Most importantly, don't overthink it.
THAT's my problem, hell, I've just started a discussion on an internet forum about it! ;)
 

Foxglove9

macrumors 68000
Jan 14, 2006
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New York City
MongoTheGeek said:
If not just kiss her. Some moment when you are together and laughing, just kiss her. Do it with confidence. Chicks dig assertive guys.
I would find that very offensive and unprofessional for a client to do that to me. So I'm advising against that while on your lessons.

Though being assertive is a good thing.
 

emw

macrumors G4
Aug 2, 2004
11,177
0
whooleytoo said:
Unfortunately, I think she has started going out with someone now, for a few weeks, though I don't think it's very serious
Nothing's serious after a couple of weeks. Go after her.
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
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Cork, Ireland.
Foxglove9 said:
I think you should continue your lessons with her, unless your attraction for her is distracting you from learning, then I would end your lessons soon so you don't waste money.
That's another good point, apart from someone I'm very attracted to, and a good fr**nd, she is a very good teacher. We have held classes in cafes and bars (to get used to speaking and listening to the language somewhere with a lot of ambient noise) and stayed on afterwards to chat, and she has introduced me to lots of her friends, who were happy to let me practice my Spanish. Not many teachers would do so much.
 

jsw

Moderator emeritus
Mar 16, 2004
22,910
41
Andover, MA
Pretend for a second you're now 66, and you've spent the amount of time you've currently been alive (33 years) wondering each and every time you see a woman that looks like her what it would've been like to have gone out with her, and asking yourself why you didn't ask her.

Worst case - very worst case, and unlikely to happen - she gets upset and stops tutoring you. Big deal. You get a new tutor often enough anyway, and, if you don't ask her out, she'll still move on soon enough anyway.

Best case (in the short term), you get to date her.

Seems to me that there's a huge upside and very little potential risk.

Trust me, if you don't ask her out, you will always wonder what would have happened if you did. Even if you end up happy with someone else, part of you will always wonder. If you ask her out, well, then you'll know. If she turns you down, a year from now you'll have forgotten about her. If she accepts, you might never need to forget about her. :)

Just ask her out. Just be clear it's not an as-friends date.
 

®îçhå®?

macrumors 68000
Mar 7, 2006
1,826
2
Be really cheesy and ask her out in Spanish. Build up by saying that you have done some extra work and then talk in Spanish how you feel,
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
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Cork, Ireland.
Foxglove9 said:
I would find that very offensive and unprofessional for a client to do that to me. So I'm advising against that while on your lessons.
I was conscious of that, and that's why I held off previously. (Which I am now kicking myself for doing).
 

2nyRiggz

macrumors 603
Aug 20, 2005
6,159
66
Thank you Jah...I'm so Blessed
Grab the moment by the nutz and go for it...this might be your only chance. If you want to be with her then try your best to let her know that..be direct and tell her how you feel.

Just talk...don't touch...ask her out or something.


Bless
 

dcv

macrumors G3
May 24, 2005
8,021
1
jsw said:
Trust me, if you don't ask her out, you will always wonder what would have happened if you did. Even if you end up happy with someone else, part of you will always wonder. If you ask her out, well, then you'll know. If she turns you down, a year from now you'll have forgotten about her. If she accepts, you might never need to forget about her. :)
^Exactly what he said. Just ask her out. What do you have to lose? :)
 

emw

macrumors G4
Aug 2, 2004
11,177
0
Oh, and if you follow our advice and get turned down, don't let it sour you on asking other women. Getting turned down is part of (most) guy's lives. You'll live to fight another day.

Usted vive solamente una vez.

whooleytoo said:
I was conscious of that, and that's why I held off previously. (Which I am now kicking myself for doing).
Fire her first. ;)
 

BoyBach

macrumors 68040
Feb 24, 2006
3,023
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UK
Just touch her! No, I don't mean like that!!

Seriously.

Does she flinch if you take hold of her hand? Or try to remove it from yours? Does she reciprocate or initiate any touching (hugging, arm-in-arm walking, etc)?

Get used to idea of being comfortable around each other (physically and emotionally) and just ask her out for a drink, or shopping, or anything!

Go for it, what have you got to lose?
 

Chundles

macrumors G4
Jul 4, 2005
11,961
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Sorry mate, the jump to the other ladder is fraught with peril. You're bound to fall into the deep abyss - never to return to either ladder again.
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
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628
Cork, Ireland.
jsw said:
Pretend for a second you're now 66, and you've spent the amount of time you've currently been alive (33 years) wondering each and every time you see a woman that looks like her what it would've been like to have gone out with her, and asking yourself why you didn't ask her.
Forget being a moderator, your vocation is as a motivator! ;) I've had far too many "what ifs?" already, trying to avoid having another.
 

jsw

Moderator emeritus
Mar 16, 2004
22,910
41
Andover, MA
Jericho2550 said:
well we went out 3 times, and she told me that she was in love with me...
Well, OK, that's a bit scary. :)
whooleytoo said:
Forget being a moderator, your vocation is as a motivator! ;) I've had far too many "what ifs?" already, trying to avoid having another.
I learned way too late that you can forget the things you did that you wished you hadn't, but you can never forget the things you didn't do that you wished you had.

Weigh your current nervousness against decades of future angst. Do what the future "you" would want you to do.
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
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628
Cork, Ireland.
welshandrew said:
Just touch her! No, I don't mean like that!!

Seriously.

Does she flinch if you take hold of her hand? Or try to remove it from yours? Does she reciprocate or initiate any touching (hugging, arm-in-arm walking, etc)?
:p

We're quite 'intimate' together like that - but then again she's Spanish, so I don't think that necessarily means anything in her case! ;)
 

emw

macrumors G4
Aug 2, 2004
11,177
0
whooleytoo said:
changing teachers from time to time as they return home.
Is this one leaving soon as well, or is she here for longer/permanently?