Is there ANY way out...

mbryant52

macrumors member
Mar 29, 2006
47
0
Bellingham, Washington
whooleytoo said:
Pity you can't buy a spine on the Internet, I really need one.
No offense intended, but this is one of the biggest cop-outs I have ever heard. You won't grow any balls by sitting around by yourself and watering your crotch. You've got to make the conscious decision to overcome your apprehension.

Lau is spot-on. Follow her advice.
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
6,562
631
Cork, Ireland.
mbryant52 said:
No offense intended, but this is one of the biggest cop-outs I have ever heard.
Well, you just have to accept different people find different things challenging and/or frightening. Some people I know are terrified of thunderstorms. Some people I know are scared witless by spiders, or bees. Some are afraid to do things alone, like travelling to other countries or even eating out alone! Some people are frightened of surgery. Some guys I know are afraid to dance, or dress any way out of the ordinary, lest they be mocked for being 'gay'.

Me, I don't have a problem with any of those, but looking a girl I'm attracted to in the eyes and telling her directly how I feel.. scares the hell out of me. So much so it's not a matter of finding the right words, but finding any! Friendship isn't a problem, nor is flirting, and in fact on the occasions I get past this 'stumbling block' there's no problem.

You're right, I do need bigger cojones, and I appreciate the advice! But you have to accept some people find it more difficult than others - hence this thread! ;)
 
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Lau

Guest
whooleytoo said:
Me, I don't have a problem with any of those, but looking a girl I'm attracted to in the eyes and telling her directly how I feel.. scares the hell out of me. So much so it's not a matter of finding the right words, but finding any! Friendship isn't a problem, nor is flirting, and in fact on the occasions I get past this 'stumbling block' there's no problem.
Same here — scares the hell out of me too. I usually do these things under the influence of a pint or two. ;)

Just don't end up like the old Health Education Board of Scotland advert of the drunken boy slurring "Sarah, I pure fancy you by the way". :p
 

dcv

macrumors G3
May 24, 2005
8,021
1
If you've found the right person it won't be anywhere near as scary or difficult as you think. :)
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
6,562
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Cork, Ireland.
Lau said:
As a girl, I say that if I was her and I fancied you, I'd really like you to say/do something. If I didn't fancy you, it would be awkward if you said something.

Helpful? :p

No, ok, but if I did like you, I'd be over the moon that you said something. If I didn't, yeah, it would be awkward for a bit, but I'd get over it soon enough if you weren't too freaked about it.
Thanks for the answers. I think.. What did you say again? :confused: :p

I can't imagine it being awkward between us if she says no (apart of course from the initial 60 seconds or so of wishing for the earth to open up and swallow me), but if I knew for certain she wasn't interested, I'm not sure I could keep meeting her so often.

Ho hum. Methinks I'm overthinking again - someone warned me about this..
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
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Cork, Ireland.
welshandrew said:
So, we've established that the Spanish Teacher is touchy-feely with you, isn't resisting any of your advances, has told you that she has a boyfriend (to make you feel jealous?) and your lessons have over-run into "social meetings" with friends...

What are you waiting for?
This bit has yet to be proven - it's possible she has a boyfriend for entirely different reasons! ;)
 
L

Lau

Guest
whooleytoo said:
I can't imagine it being awkward between us if she says no (apart of course from the initial 60 seconds or so of wishing for the earth to open up and swallow me), but if I knew for certain she wasn't interested, I'm not sure I could keep meeting her so often.
If that's the case then you have to go for it. At the moment you're just meeting her in the hope that she likes you back. If you'd find it difficult to be friends with her if you knew she wasn't interested, you've got nothing to lose.
 

whooleytoo

macrumors 604
Original poster
Aug 2, 2002
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Cork, Ireland.
Lau said:
Same here — scares the hell out of me too. I usually do these things under the influence of a pint or two. ;)

Just don't end up like the old Health Education Board of Scotland advert of the drunken boy slurring "Sarah, I pure fancy you by the way". :p
Nope, I'm definitely NOT going to be drunk if I tell her (unless.. we're out drinking and she's equally inebriated.)

Thanks to all for the advice! I'm seeing her next on Saturday. If there's a resounding lack of posts from me here then, you can guess what happened. ;)
 

true777

macrumors 6502a
Dec 30, 2000
659
1
California, Austria, Arkansas
Dang -- it's obvious: She likes you, too!

I wouldn't be surprised if she had only told you about that other dude to see how you'd react (hoping you'd get jealous).

So go for it! One thing (I say this as a girl): Girls usually *like* to hear that you really like them, and not just a non-committal "wanna have coffee"?, which could mean anything from "I'm bored so let's hang out" to "I want a free Spanish lession", to "I really like you".

So I would actually get my guts together and tell her something like "You're so cool. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?".

If you're not quite there, one surefire method is to give a girl *lots* of compliments. She will love you for it. Tell her "this shirt looks great on you", "I like your new hair", "I can't believe my luck: I have a tutor who's smart, gorgeous, *and* super fun. How come noone has snatched you up yet?", etc.

Another way to show her you're into her would be to buy her a small but romantic gift.

Good luck! I have a feeling she might just be waiting for you to take the first step.
 

BoyBach

macrumors 68040
Feb 24, 2006
3,023
2
UK
true777 said:
Dang -- it's obvious: She likes you, too!

I wouldn't be surprised if she had only told you about that other dude to see how you'd react (hoping you'd get jealous).

So go for it! One thing (I say this as a girl): Girls usually *like* to hear that you really like them, and not just a non-committal "wanna have coffee"?, which could mean anything from "I'm bored so let's hang out" to "I want a free Spanish lession", to "I really like you".

So I would actually get my guts together and tell her something like "You're so cool. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?".

If you're not quite there, one surefire method is to give a girl *lots* of compliments. She will love you for it. Tell her "this shirt looks great on you", "I like your new hair", "I can't believe my luck: I have a tutor who's smart, gorgeous, *and* super fun. How come noone has snatched you up yet?", etc.

Another way to show her you're into her would be to buy her a small but romantic gift.

Good luck! I have a feeling she might just be waiting for you to take the first step.

Great advice - listen to the girl!

p.s. I'm stealing that line! All I need now is to meet a Tutor tomorrow night and make her believe it! :D
 

CorvusCamenarum

macrumors 65816
Dec 16, 2004
1,231
2
Birmingham, AL
If she says she has a boyfriend but it being all flirty with you, is that really someone you want?

The whole "friends first" notion is just a BS cop-out safety net. What she means is "I want you to make all the advances and take all the risks (and spend all the money), while I'm going to keep my options open, and if I decide to call it off for whatever reason, then in my mind we can go back to 'being friends' and I'm absolved of everything." If you hear "friends first", head for the nearest hill.
 

displaced

macrumors 65816
Jun 23, 2003
1,425
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Gravesend, United Kingdom
Lau said:
I just read some of the newer posts — I think it sounds like you have a chance. Go for it.

Oh, and everyone I've been out with has been in the friends zone first. And I am still friends with people who I've propositioned and who have propositioned me. It's only awkward if you make it so. :)
I agree with Lau, especially that last paragraph.

I'd not go for the out-of-the-blue lip-lock. She probably knows you well enough by now that that would seem out of character, and the last thing you want at that moment is to raise her freak-out-o-meter.

Flirt a bit (sounds like you've got that down already), and top it off by mentioning you'd really like to take her out somewhere. Whatever you do, give her a nice respectable 'out' -- a way for her to decline that embarrasses neither of you. If she declines, make sure to let her know you think that's a bit of a shame, but don't overdo it... then carry on as normal.
 
L

Lau

Guest
CorvusCamenarum said:
The whole "friends first" notion is just a BS cop-out safety net. What she means is "I want you to make all the advances and take all the risks (and spend all the money), while I'm going to keep my options open, and if I decide to call it off for whatever reason, then in my mind we can go back to 'being friends' and I'm absolved of everything." If you hear "friends first", head for the nearest hill.
Nonsense. When I've been friends with people first it isn't in some sort of pre-arranged dates but without any attraction way, it's in a genuine friends way, as in I've met people I like to spend time with and continue to do so as friends. As friends out for drinks or cinema or dinner, we pay our own way, because we're friends. Sometimes that turns into more, if it turns out we're both attracted to each other. And on that note, I've made the first move on occasion. I've been successful and I've been knocked back.

I'm sick of reading posts on here that say women are all out for whatever they can get. I'm also sick of some guys drooling all over and going out of their way for more conventionally attractive girls than me. But that doesn't mean I think all men are like that.

I know dating in the US is different to over here — it's a lot more relaxed in the UK (and I'm assuming Ireland, not having dated there ;) ). It's unlikely to hear "friends first" here, you would just be friends without having to say it, and hence would act like friends (both in actions, paying for stuff and everything), though perhaps slightly flirty friends. ;)
 

ravenvii

macrumors 604
Mar 17, 2004
7,584
489
Melenkurion Skyweir
true777 said:
So go for it! One thing (I say this as a girl): Girls usually *like* to hear that you really like them, and not just a non-committal "wanna have coffee"?, which could mean anything from "I'm bored so let's hang out" to "I want a free Spanish lession", to "I really like you".

So I would actually get my guts together and tell her something like "You're so cool. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?".

If you're not quite there, one surefire method is to give a girl *lots* of compliments. She will love you for it. Tell her "this shirt looks great on you", "I like your new hair", "I can't believe my luck: I have a tutor who's smart, gorgeous, *and* super fun. How come noone has snatched you up yet?", etc.

Another way to show her you're into her would be to buy her a small but romantic gift.

Good luck! I have a feeling she might just be waiting for you to take the first step.
No no NO! Ye gods, don't listen to this girl! THAT will drive your fantasy Spanish teacher away faster than Thomas the Engine! Hold off the gifts until LATER, don't over-compliment her (if she's hot, chances are she got compliments from guys left and right, and is looking for a guy who's a breath of fresh air). And corny lines like that is a big no-no, unless you want to ruin your chances.
 

CorvusCamenarum

macrumors 65816
Dec 16, 2004
1,231
2
Birmingham, AL
Lau said:
I'm sick of reading posts on here that say women are all out for whatever they can get. I'm also sick of some guys drooling all over and going out of their way for more conventionally attractive girls than me. But that doesn't mean I think all men are like that.
Roughly 80-90% of women who marry marry up.
75% of divorces (which are the end result of about half of all marriages) are started by women.
The divorce industry is disgustingly skewed in favor of women.

You do the math.

I don't feel like digging up links, you can Google as you like.
 
L

Lau

Guest
CorvusCamenarum said:
Roughly 80-90% of women who marry marry up.
75% of divorces (which are the end result of about half of all marriages) are started by women.
The divorce industry is disgustingly skewed in favor of women.

You do the math.

I don't feel like digging up links, you can Google as you like.
What does "marry up" mean? As in marry above them financially?
 

Foxglove9

macrumors 68000
Jan 14, 2006
1,569
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New York City
CorvusCamenarum said:
75% of divorces (which are the end result of about half of all marriages) are started by women.
To me that just means 75% of men screwed up big time in their marriage and are unwilling to change their ways to please their wife. :p :D
 

macenforcer

macrumors 65816
Jun 9, 2004
1,248
0
Colorado
I was in a similar situation. I fell in love with a girl I was working with. She was engaged and everything so I didn't ask her out. So I started dating her best friend. She flipped out, dumped her fiance and I dumped her friend and we went out. I ended up marrying her and we have 3 kids now.

You only live once man. GO FOR IT!

Good tactic. Ask her out to dinner a couple days in advance. Tell her you will meet her at a restaurant. She will have time to think about it and if she likes you will show up. Just asking her to kiss you will get an automated no response because she works with you. Its a great tactic and works.
 
L

Lau

Guest
CorvusCamenarum said:
Among other things, yes. Financially, socially, etc.
I dunno. I haven't seen this in any of the groups of friends I have. Maybe it's a country divide thing. Everyone I know (that are in their 20s and 30s) just seem to be getting on with it — they're both fairly equal in salary and status. If anything, the guys I know are going out with posher women. :p

I don't know if it's the people I've been friendly with, but I've never been friends with anyone that's gone out with someone for their status or money. I suspect people like that piss me off anyway so I wouldn't be friends with them anyway.

Either way, it makes me sad when there are posts (as there have been on many threads, not singling you out in particular, Corvus Caveman) where girls are portrayed as manipulative money-grabbing bitches, and I'd hate to think some nice guy lost out with some nice girl because he took that sort of advice. There are nice girls out there, the same way there's nice guys out there, and it's a case of ignoring the tarty money-grabbing ones and going for the nice ones, not assuming every girl is out to rip you off.
 

BoyBach

macrumors 68040
Feb 24, 2006
3,023
2
UK
CorvusCamenarum said:
If she says she has a boyfriend but it being all flirty with you, is that really someone you want?

The whole "friends first" notion is just a BS cop-out safety net. What she means is "I want you to make all the advances and take all the risks (and spend all the money), while I'm going to keep my options open, and if I decide to call it off for whatever reason, then in my mind we can go back to 'being friends' and I'm absolved of everything." If you hear "friends first", head for the nearest hill.

...

Roughly 80-90% of women who marry marry up.
75% of divorces (which are the end result of about half of all marriages) are started by women.
The divorce industry is disgustingly skewed in favor of women.

You do the math.

I don't feel like digging up links, you can Google as you like.

Whoever she was, she did a number on you!
 

displaced

macrumors 65816
Jun 23, 2003
1,425
180
Gravesend, United Kingdom
skunk said:
Indeed. That's scar tissue talking. :)
As for the 80-90% figure for women "marrying up", is that even possible?
[assuming for a second this is true, which I have trouble believing... and with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek...]

Perhaps the 75% of these 80-90% of women then get divorces because they're in a loveless marriage? Serves them right if their initial motives were so wrong. Way to waste your life. The other 25% would, I suppose, then be in a marriage where she married for superficial reasons, and the husband's apparently quite happy to keep up the charade? That'd be a sad world.

If 80-90% of women are marrying for social status and money, that leaves the best 10-20% left over for the rest of us. Woohoo!