jokes - looking for

gallagb

macrumors 6502
Original poster
Apr 28, 2004
461
0
IN
so-
i'm lookin for good sites w/ jokes on them

and also looking to collect more jokes
both clean and *ahem not so clean

NOT looking for any commentary like
"dude- that's an off-color joke"
or "you racist biggot....."

etc-

i am more than happy to submit some of mine
but also looking for good resources w/ jokes on them
either 'daily' pages - or more 'archives' of good jokes

one liners, story jokes, lame series jokes, puns... the works
 

bursty

macrumors 65816
Jan 31, 2004
1,001
3
I know a ton of racist jokes, but I dont think they would last long here. :rolleyes:
 

virus1

macrumors 65816
Jun 24, 2004
1,191
0
LOST
ok tell me if this is too out of line. i heard this last night...

why did the emo kid cross the street?

higlight -> because a truck was coming!

i love that joke :D
 

gallagb

macrumors 6502
Original poster
Apr 28, 2004
461
0
IN
virus1 said:
ok tell me if this is too out of line. i heard this last night...
i think it is fine
however- i don't get the joke at all.


bursty
let's have your worst
 

Shamus

macrumors 6502a
Feb 26, 2006
651
0
Just search 'jokes' in google, and im sure you will find millions of joke sites and archives. :)

What did the rug say to the floor?
>>> Don't move, I've got you covered.
 
C

CompUser

Guest
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi!
----

What does the the little mermaid wear

And algae-bra


Horray for lame math jokes.
 

gallagb

macrumors 6502
Original poster
Apr 28, 2004
461
0
IN
Shamus said:
Just search 'jokes' in google, and im sure you will find millions of joke sites and archives. :)
done this
and i'm flooded w/ cr*p

so- i was looking for 'favorites'
etc-

:)

your rug joke was cute though :)
 

Chundles

macrumors G4
Jul 4, 2005
11,966
379
The Margaret River Surf Challenge was held just after Boxing Day 2004, what was interesting about the result?

Highlight -> It was won by an Indonesian man on a wardrobe.

What do Beaconsfield, Tasmania and the Collingwood Football Club have in common?

Highlight -> Last week they both killed Carlton.

A man is waiting while his wife gives birth. The doctor comes out of the theatre afterwards and informs the father that his son was born without arms, legs, or even a torso - his son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the pub and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest strongest drink for his son. With all the patrons looking on curiously and the barman shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoosh - a torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Drink! Drink! Drink!" The barman still shakes his head in dismay. Swoosh - two arms pop out!

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Drink! Drink! Drink!" The barman ignores the whole affair. By now the son is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink, and guzzles the last of it. Swoosh - Two legs pop out!

The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... then through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. And the barman cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune.

The father looks at the barman in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"

"That boy should have quit while he was a head," the barman replies.
 

d_and_n5000

macrumors 6502a
Oct 6, 2005
631
0
I like jokes.com myself. It's Comedy Central, you know they're good.

Here's a few 'Yo Mama!' jokes i got from my cousin:

Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked up in a grocery store and starved to death!

Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone!

And, my favorite: Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is equator!
 

neocell

macrumors 65816
May 23, 2005
1,074
2
Great White North
iDM said:
If a stork brings a baby........what does not?








A swallow
Man, I know I've heard this before, but I like it :D

What's the difference between a epileptic shell food worker and a whore with diarrhoea?


The shell fish worker shucks between fits


:D
 

Agent Smith

macrumors 6502
Mar 21, 2004
260
0
Toronto, ON
A guy walked into a bar and said, "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!" I said, "Relax man! You're too tents!"

(tents = tense)

Thanks, World of Warcraft! :D
 

vniow

macrumors G4
Jul 18, 2002
10,266
0
I accidentally my whole location.
These may not resonate with anyone who is straight but...



What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single.


A lesbian couple in San Francisco was about to leave for a trip up to Portland. A gay couple in Portland was about to leave for a trip down to San Francisco. Who got to their destination first?

The lesbian couple, they got there lickety-split while the guys were still at home packing their ****.
 

CorvusCamenarum

macrumors 65816
Dec 16, 2004
1,231
2
Birmingham, AL
neocell said:
Man, I know I've heard this before, but I like it :D

What's the difference between a epileptic shell food worker and a whore with diarrhoea?
:D
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?


(Be warned; it's naughty)
=>A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
 

UKnjb

macrumors 6502a
May 23, 2005
717
0
London, UK
Quickies:

Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Because he's got no legs

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary numbers and those who don't.

There are 5 types of people in the world; those who can add numbers and those who can't.

ATP is not adenosine triphosphate, but a high-energy wigwam.

DNA - the National Association for Dyslexics.

Two men out hunting with their guns in the mountains. Suddenly, one of them falls over, clutching his chest and going "Oh oh! My hear!". His friend immediately gets his mobile phone out and calls emergency services.
"Help", he said, "my friend has just slumped over. I think he's had a heart attack and is now dead!"
The operator was very calm and said "OK, take it easy, let's take it steady here. First of all, please go back to your friend and make sure that he really is dead"
The man said "OK - hang on" and there was a bit of a silence, followed by a gun-shot.
"OK", said the man, "done that. Now what?"

And if anybody wants them, I can so easily post my top three favourite jokes. But only on request. :)
 

Shamus

macrumors 6502a
Feb 26, 2006
651
0
UKnjb said:
Quickies:

Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Because he's got no legs

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary numbers and those who don't.

There are 5 types of people in the world; those who can add numbers and those who can't.

ATP is not adenosine triphosphate, but a high-energy wigwam.

DNA - the National Association for Dyslexics.

Two men out hunting with their guns in the mountains. Suddenly, one of them falls over, clutching his chest and going "Oh oh! My hear!". His friend immediately gets his mobile phone out and calls emergency services.
"Help", he said, "my friend has just slumped over. I think he's had a heart attack and is now dead!"
The operator was very calm and said "OK, take it easy, let's take it steady here. First of all, please go back to your friend and make sure that he really is dead"
The man said "OK - hang on" and there was a bit of a silence, followed by a gun-shot.
"OK", said the man, "done that. Now what?"

And if anybody wants them, I can so easily post my top three favourite jokes. But only on request. :)
lol, good jokes there hehe

I officially request your top three. :)
 

SurfinSHELL23

macrumors regular
Oct 18, 2004
128
0
Aberdeen, NJ
Why'd the electrical engineer go to the symposium?
He wanted to stay current.

Did you hear about the engineer who worked at the hydraulics company?
He was under a lot of pressure.

(highlight for answers above)
 

UKnjb

macrumors 6502a
May 23, 2005
717
0
London, UK
Shamus said:
I officially request your top three. :)
OK, Shamus, you asked for them! This is the third (ascending order); stop me at any time. :)

So. This is in Ireland (and mods, please note that the word 'feck' is a commonly-used, non-perjorative word in Ireland and has nothing to do with a similarly-spelt word that is abusive).

So Mick and Paddy had been in the pub all night and it had turned into a lock-in. They were sat on their bar stools and were into their umpteenth Guiness and it was about 3 in the morning when the barman said that it was time for everyone to get back to their homes and into their beds. Mick realised that he was going to get killed by his wife if she found out he had been drinking so late and was drunk.

Paddy slid off his stool, said good-night to Mick and weaved his way unsteadily out of the door and into wherever he went. Mick took his time to finish his Guiness, said good-night to the barman and got off his bar-stool. And promptly fell flat on his face! Spread-eagled!

"Feck me! Oi've had a skin-full of the owld beer tonight" he said, looking at the carpet close-up.

So he pulled himself up on the stool, took one step towards the door and --- flat on his face again!

"Feck feck feck!! Dis is more trouble than Oi thought I'd ever see", he said "Maybe I need some fresh air. Maybe that will sort me owld self out"

So he crawled across the carpet towards the door, pulled himself up against the door jam, opened the door and breathed in and out deeply. And when he thought his head had cleared, he took a cautious tottery step onto the pavement and --- flat on his face again!

"Oh fecking Mary, Mother of Jeysus, dis is the worst oi've ever been" he said, his head hanging in the road. "How the feck am oi going to get home, up the hill there, and face that witch oi'm married to, lyin' in that warm bed?"

So he started crawling up the hill, dragging himself along by his finger-tips and, at each lamp-post, he pulled himself up, breathed deeply, tried a few tottery steps again and -- yup, flat on his face, his back, whatever, but basically horizontal.

Eventually, he reached the top of the hill, crawled up the drive to the front-door, took his key out and went through the whole drunk thing of getting the key into the lock, going "Shhh" all the time. When the door was open, he stepped across and --- flat on his face again!!!

"Oh that fecking Guiness - never ever again", said Mick, crawling up the stairs. he got the closed door to his bedroom and heard the loud snores of his very large wife, obviously asleep inside.

"Roit", said Mick "only a wee bit to go and oi think oi'll have got away with it".

So he opened the bedroom door, stepped inside and --- again measured his length on the floor!

He pulled himself up on the bed, rocking and managed to get his shirt off. Now came the trousers, which he undid, but while trying to step out of them, managed again to fall over again. So he ignored those, crawled into bed and, in a totally drunken stupor, fell asleep.

He woke the next morning to find his wife standing over him with a cup of tea and a bad look on her face.

"Wake op, ye drunken' ol ba$tard", she said "Oi cannot trust ye to stay out of that fecking pub can I?"

"Ye witch from hell", said Mick "How do ye know that oi was out drinkin' all night at the pub?"

"Because", she said, " because -------
<highlight> they have just phoned up to tell me that ye left yer fecking wheelchair there!" :)