Got a tip for us?
Let us know
Become a MacRumors Supporter for $50/year with no ads, ability to filter front page stories, and private forums.
jokes - looking for
- Thread starter gallagb
- Start date
- Sort by reaction score
You can call it what the hell you want, it's not going to be able to chase after you...mpw said:
What does a cannibal do once he's dumped his girlfriend?
He wipes his arse.
--------
A drum-kit fell down a cliff. Ka-Boom-Chish!
--------
What did the deaf, dumb and blind girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
He wipes his arse.
--------
A drum-kit fell down a cliff. Ka-Boom-Chish!
--------
What did the deaf, dumb and blind girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
My favorite type of jokes are dead baby jokes. Here are a few. Google "Dead baby jokes" if you want more.
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork
What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall? art
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree? Naiing it to a dead puppy
What's worse than having sex with a dead baby? Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades
I'm not sick and twisted, I promise... I just think they're funny
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork
What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall? art
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree? Naiing it to a dead puppy
What's worse than having sex with a dead baby? Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades
I'm not sick and twisted, I promise... I just think they're funny
Capt Underpants said:My favorite type of jokes are dead baby jokes. Here are a few. Google "Dead baby jokes" if you want more.
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork
What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall? art
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree? Naiing it to a dead puppy
What's worse than having sex with a dead baby? Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades
I'm not sick and twisted, I promise... I just think they're funny
Oh you're on....
What's better than swinging a baby from a Hills Hoist?
Stopping it with a cricket bat.
What's black, furry, wriggling and cries?
A baby covered in Funnelweb spiders.
Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway?
Because it had a spear through it's head.
What's red, silver and cries?
A baby with forks in it's eyes.
Etc....
I also like koala jokes:
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was tied to the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
Because someone threw a fridge at it.
Also.....
What's round, hard and would hurt you if it fell out of a tree?
A submarine.
What's round, hard, blue and would really hurt you if it fell out of a tree?
Same submarine in a denim jacket.
And...
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was an orange.
And now for a dirtyish one....
It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again.
The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late.
The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return.
The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.
Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.
The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she said with a frantic voice.
"I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man.... Peter, Peter something or other."
Chundles said:
Excellent ^^
and I'm back.Intellectual Jokes:
Q. What is it when you prefer "Cogito ergo sum" to "Carpe Diem"?
A. You're putting Descartes before Horace
(it's the way you stress the names!)
(originally by James Thurber).
So. So Keats and Shakespeare were in the Elysian fields arguing the relative merits of their poetry/prose. The multitudes were gathered around listenign to the great men debating. "I'm better", said Keats. "No you're not, I am", said Shakespeare. "Not", "Am", "Are", "Aren't" etc for the next few millenia.
To clear it all up, they agreed to make up a piece of their won work about the next person they saw coming down the hill of the North face of the fields. So they waited and waited. And they saw a head appear at the top of the hill, tossed a coin and Keats had to go first. And the rest of the man appeared and he had the most advanced case of rickets - ever.
"Oh bugger", said Keats. "Quel problem! Hmmmm. Give me a minute." And then he came out with it ----
"See over the hill there strode
A man whose legs were very bowed"
The crowd went wild - "whoop whoop whoop! Bring it on Keats baby!"
And then it was Shakespeare's turn.
"Easy", he said and great hush went over the multitudes.
"Hotchkiss what manner of man is this, who carries his balls in parenthesis?"
there was an interesting article in the new york times about a year ago talking about how the joke, as a form of comedy, had sort of died. i don't really remember much more of what it said, but i tend to agree with that assertion. i mean, i can't even remember the last time i heard an actual joke that made me laugh. that said, i do still remember some mediocre ones from back in the day:
what do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
-run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth.
what do monica lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?
-they both have a sign that says 'insert bill'.
according to a recent survey, 99% of all surveys are made up.
hopefully no one is offended by this one...:
what do you call someone who believes in intelligent design?
-an idiot.
one more:
how many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-well first the lightbulb has to admit that it wants to change.
what do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
-run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth.
what do monica lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?
-they both have a sign that says 'insert bill'.
according to a recent survey, 99% of all surveys are made up.
hopefully no one is offended by this one...:
what do you call someone who believes in intelligent design?
-an idiot.
one more:
how many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-well first the lightbulb has to admit that it wants to change.
UKnjb said:Excellent ^^
Intellectual Jokes:
Q. What is it when you prefer "Cogito ergo sum" to "Carpe Diem"?
A. You're putting Descartes before Horace
(it's the way you stress the names!)
(originally by James Thurber).
I love James Thurber humor. I don't think any one these days is doing humor quite like it.
for intellectual humor, I like Steve Martin.
njmac said:
i agree. James Thurber is the overrall funniest man ever, IMO. I lent a friend a copy of "The Thurber Carnival" and heard that he had literally fallen out of bed laughing. Thurber's whimsical style of writing and the vision-defective cartoons/captions just crack me up. You're so right about no-one doing that style these days (unless somebody knows different.....). Just about to investigate Steve Martin ---- never heard of him! Any useful links?
Edit: Oh THAT Steve Martin! Only seen him in films. Useful links for written stuff would still be welcome. Thanks.
Atlasland said:
Nursery Rhyme.
Peter Peter Pumkin Eater
Had a wife but couldn't keep her
He Put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well.
Its a joke on cunilingus.
MongoTheGeek said:
Ah.... thanks.
That must be an American nursery rhyme, because I've never heard it here in olde England.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuffed down his pants. The barkeep ask him if he knows he's got a ship's wheel down his trousers. "Arrrr", the pirate replied, "it's driving me nuts".
Q: What has 10 eyes and 10 legs?
A: 10 Pirates
Q: What has 10 eyes and 10 legs?
A: 10 Pirates
My favorite joke of the year so far....
============================
My name is Joe and I have 2 Labrador Retrievers. Last week, I was
buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that
no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.* I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my*balls and a car hit me.*
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack*he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
============================
My name is Joe and I have 2 Labrador Retrievers. Last week, I was
buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that
no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.* I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my*balls and a car hit me.*
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack*he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
I'm a fan of this joke, but I don't know how many of you will be:
What's the difference between a bicycle?
What's the difference between a bicycle?
being 1/2 Polish, I've received my fair share of "dumb polack" jokes in my life, although you can usually fit them with any type of person you want to insult.
How do you get a one armed polack out of a tree?
wave to him
What was he doing in the tree?
raking leaves
*****
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a polack are sentenced to die over the next three days.
On day one the Englishman gets taken out to the firing squad and the commander yells, "Ready.... Aim..." at which point the Englishman shouts "TORNADO!" In the ensuing confusion the Englishman escapes.
On day 2 the Frenchman gets taken out to the firing squad and the commander yells, "Ready.... Aim..." at which point the Frenchman shouts "TIDAL WAVE!" In the ensuing confusion the Frenchman escapes.
On day 3 the polack gets taken out to the firing squad and the commander yells, "Ready.... Aim..." at which point the polack shouts "FIRE!"
*****
I have one I'm pretty sure has me sentenced to eternal damnation because I've repeated it to a few select people. I can't bring myself to type it here for fear of offending any God fearing Christian. That and I really don't want
God to smite me, yet.
*****
My brother once referred to this as the symbol for "the artist formerly known as Jesus." (no this is not the joke that has me going to the hot place)
How do you get a one armed polack out of a tree?
wave to him
What was he doing in the tree?
raking leaves
*****
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a polack are sentenced to die over the next three days.
On day one the Englishman gets taken out to the firing squad and the commander yells, "Ready.... Aim..." at which point the Englishman shouts "TORNADO!" In the ensuing confusion the Englishman escapes.
On day 2 the Frenchman gets taken out to the firing squad and the commander yells, "Ready.... Aim..." at which point the Frenchman shouts "TIDAL WAVE!" In the ensuing confusion the Frenchman escapes.
On day 3 the polack gets taken out to the firing squad and the commander yells, "Ready.... Aim..." at which point the polack shouts "FIRE!"
*****
I have one I'm pretty sure has me sentenced to eternal damnation because I've repeated it to a few select people. I can't bring myself to type it here for fear of offending any God fearing Christian. That and I really don't want
God to smite me, yet.
*****
Jokes
Loving these jokes...here are a couple of my (clean!)faves...
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom!
And then...
Two pieces of tarmac walk into a bar and order some drinks. Feeling quite friendly, one of the pieces of tarmac walks up to another piece of tarmac that had just walked in, and was about to start a conversation when his mate stopped him.
"Why'd you do that?" he asked
"Leave him alone"replied his mate. "He's a cycle-path!"
Loving these jokes...here are a couple of my (clean!)faves...
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom!
And then...
Two pieces of tarmac walk into a bar and order some drinks. Feeling quite friendly, one of the pieces of tarmac walks up to another piece of tarmac that had just walked in, and was about to start a conversation when his mate stopped him.
"Why'd you do that?" he asked
"Leave him alone"replied his mate. "He's a cycle-path!"