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jokes - looking for

Shamus said:
I officially request your top three. :)
Click to expand...

Number 2, then ---- but you DID ask.

So. So a man walks into a pub with his crocodile in tow, goes up to the bar and asks for a pint of beer. The barman tells him to pi$$ off!! So the man with crocodile asks why and the barman says that he's fed-up with people coming into pubs with crocodiles, asking for a sandwich and to make it snappy and all the other crap jokes and he's had enough.

So the man with the crocodile says, very politely, that it's not at all like that, he's had a bad day at work and just needs a pint of beer for himself. That's it.

So the barman relaxes a tadsworth, says "Hmmmm" and pours him a beer. And he asked the man with the crocodile to explain the set-up.

"Easy" says the man with the crocodile, "I work down at the circus that's come to town and the crocodile is part of my act."

"Oh!" says the barman "and what act would that be?"

"Well" says the man with the crocodile, "I am the very last act, after the clowns and stuff, and I come on with my crocodile, we do our act and then the circus finishes for the night and --- I get a thirst, want a beer and come to the pub. With my crocodile."

"And the act would be -------?" said the barman.

"Oh, yes," said the man with the crocodile, "what I do is to stand in the middle of the ring with my crocodile, put my willy into his mouth, leave it there for three minutes and then --- well, at the end of the three minutes, if the crocodile hasn't bitten my willy off, that's the end of the show. Nothing more to it really."

"Crikey!" said the barman, thinking a bit "Tell you what, I will give you free beer for the time that you are in town if you will repeat your act tonight in the pub here. It's all a bit quiet."

So the man with the crocodile agreed and the barman shouted through the noise of the pub:
"Quiet please, ladiesangennelemen --- this man 'ere with the crocodile is going to perform 'is circus act! 'e is going to put his willy in the crocodile's mouth and leave it there for 3 minutes!!! Very dangerous it is and --- please pay attention!!! Over to you Mr Man!"
*clap clap clap*

So the man unzipped his trousers, took his willy out and put it carefully into the crocodile's mouth.

After a few seconds, the crocodile's jaws started to open ---- (fact: when a croc starts to open its jaws, you KNOW it is going to bite).

So the man suddenly took out a big rubber truncheon and *smack, smack, smack*, he beat the crocodile over the head. Hard and repeatedly. And the crocodile's jaws slowly closed again. The crowd in the pub gasped "Ahhhhh!" - just like that.

And some seconds later, the crocodile's jaws began to open again, out came the truncheon, *smack, smack, smack* over the crocodile's head and the jaws closed again, with the onlookers going "Ahhhhh!" - just like that.

This was repeated often enough until the end of the three minutes, when the man took his willy from the crocodile's mouth, put it back in his trousers and bowed to crowd. Well, they went wild!!! *clap clap clap* they went, thunderous applause and "Yeaaaaahhhhh - whoop whoop whoop!"

"So then you go home?" asked the barman.

"Nope", said the man with the crocodile, "what I usually do is ask if there is a volunteer from the audience who wants to try"

"Okey dokey", said the barman, clearing his throat, "Ladiesangennelemen!!! Is there anybody 'ere in this pub who wants to volunteer to try this brilliant act what you 'ave just seen? Free beer for a year to anybody who will volunteer!!! Come on ladiesangennelmen!"

Dead silence ........ "Come on" says the barman, "surely someone will give it a go!?"

Dead silence again ..... until this little old grey-haired lady, about 80 years old, pipes up from the back....

<Highlight>
"Alright mister", she said "I'll 'ave a go. But promise not to hit me over the 'ead with your truncheon!"
 
Last night I was watching some medical reality show on TV, and the family was fighting over whether or not to unplug the machines pumping fluids into and generally keeping their Dad going. I thought about that for a bit, then went into the other room and told my wife, "Look, if I ever get to the point where I'm just plugged into a machine all the time and I can't even eat so I'm getting all my nourishment from fluids, just pull the plug, okay? I don't want to go on living like that."

My wife didn't say anything. She sat there for a moment, then got up, went into my room, pulled the plug on my TV and went into my fridge and tossed all my beer.
:eek:
 
Another quickie: -----

Did you hear about the girl who went into the bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre?

So he gave her one. :)
 
My favorite joke

A while back, there was this rich man. He was incredible rich – enough to make old Billy Gates look like a pauper. Anyway, he had everything he wanted in life, no material possession was out of his reach. What he wanted, he snapped his fingers, and he got. But, there was one thing that money could not buy. An heir. He was getting older, but he had no one he could pass his legacy to. He knew his mortality, and began to look for a woman who would bear him a child.

Eventually he found a woman who he knew would bear him a magnificent child. She did. He now had a son, whom he could care for and love all the rest of his days. At the end of those days, he knew that he would have an heir who would treasure his family.

Now, what he didn’t realize how precocious this child was to be. You see, after only three months his son could speak. And not just babble that parents often mistake for words, but the child could carry on an actual conversation. His father was flabbergasted. Why, his son could not even walk, but speaking was not a problem. The old man was so proud, he told his son, “Son, I am so proud of you. I have more money than any man in the world, and I am going to buy you anything that you want. Just name it, and it will be yours!” The son thought for a moment, and responded, “I would like to have a purple ping pong ball.” Lovingly, his father presented him with a purple ping-pong ball.

Just weeks later, at 4 months of age, the son began to walk. “Another miracle!” the father cried. His son was more gifted than any child he had ever heard of before. The father was ecstatic to see his son walking so soon. You see, he was excited by the prospect of being able to play games with his son, so every extra day to play was a blessing. “Son,” he exclaimed, “you have again astounded me! I am not great at expressing my love, so want to buy you something…anything. Please, tell me what your heart desires!” The son looked at his father and without hesitation he replied that he would like a purple ping-pong ball. The father presumed that his son had lost the earlier gift – after all, the boy was only four months old – and thought nothing of the request. So, he bought another purple ping-pong ball.

As the months went by, life was enjoyable for the father and son who spent their days playing and talking about many subjects. One day, the father found his son looking at the newspaper. “Do you want me to read to you, my son?” “Why? I have already read the Journal” This response amazed the father. His son could read? And not just read, but again, read difficult (and boring) passages? “What were the major headlines?” The son recounted all the major and minor headlines of the day – including those that even the father had forgotten. Father looked at son, son looked at father. Then it dawned on the father that his son was still shy of his second birthday. “Son!” he exclaimed. “You have learned to read so quickly? I did not even know!” The son explained how he had learned so as to surprise his father. The father looked at his son with tears in his eyes. “Son, I am so touched. Allow me to buy you something, anything, as a gift.” The son sold his father, “I don’t need anything, but I would like a purple ping-pong ball.” Father asked “Why? You have others, and surely must want something else.” “No, just a purple ping-pong ball.” The father hesitated for a moment, but got his son another purple ping-pong ball.

The years passed by, and the son had just turned eight when he finished high school. “My boy! Congratulations on finishing high school! You are marked for greatness indeed!” The son blushed, and said, “Dad, I love you so much. I am glad you are proud of me.” The father kindly chided his son, “You know that no matter what, I will always be proud of you. You are my boy and I love you.” The father realized that he needed a graduation present for his son! “Oh no! I must go get you a graduation present! What would you like son. Completing high school is a momentous occasion!” As if he expected the question, the boy responded, “just a purple ping-pong ball.” Now, the father was not pleased with this. “Son! You are graduating high school and can have anything you would like. You are asking for a purple ping-pong ball?” “Yes.” “Very well,” the father responded. He went out and got his son a purple ping-pong ball.

As time passed, the son finished college at the age of 10, and then got his MD at the age of 13, and became a neurosurgeon. Each of those occasions was marked by the gifting of a purple ping-pong ball. The father was aging, but he knew that his son was growing into a good caring young man. At the age of 20, the son received wonderful news. He was to receive an award for having preformed the first ever successful brain transplant that allowed the recipient to retain their own memories. The news was exciting. The son called his father and told him the good news. “I already know, my son. It has been on the news for the last hour! I am so proud of you for having done the work as a case of charity! I knew you would grow up to be a wonderful man! Please son, allow me to share in this moment by getting you a present to accompany your award.” The son was overcome. “Father, this award is more yours than mine – you raised me and taught me. I don’t need anything else.” “Please, son, let me get you something.” The son relented, and asked his father to buy him a purple ping-pong ball. The father was so excited for his son and so used to the strange request, he did not even stop to question the request.

Time passed, and the old man was feeling his age and was a little deaf in his left ear. His son was 26. Suddenly, his son burst through the door with the biggest smile the father had even seen. “FATHER! I’M GETTING MARRIED!” The father had never seen his son so happy, and rightly so. The father could not contain his glee either, as he knew that he might be blessed to see grandchildren. God had been good to him. “Son, he cried! Let us go get a present for both of you. After all, she is going to be my daughter!” The son looked at his father. “Dad, you already know what I would like.” “Yes, yes. A purple ping-pong ball. Never mind that. We need something for your lovely bride!”

So, the father and son went shopping for jewelry (after all, you can’t go wrong with jewelry). While they were in the store, some people burst in. “Everybody, on the ground! NOW!” The whole store dropped, except one old man who didn’t quite hear what had been said. As the turned around, one of the criminals turned to shoot the father. The son, jumped in front of the bullet which struck him in the heart. In fear, the gangsters had fled the store. 911 had been called, but they would not be able to arrive on time. The son, with tears in his eyes, looked at his dad and said “Maybe we should have gotten her something else, “ and smiled. The father, was furious, proud, and heart-broken all at the same time. “Son! How could you do this? I am an old man. My time has come to go! You are young and have a young wife and family to look forward to! Why did you do this? Why….” As they waited and held each other, the father looked at his son and said, “Son, I must ask you one question. I know that this is a strange time, but I must know one thing.” “Anything, dad.” “Why, for all those years, why, when I gave you gifts, and you could have anything, why did you always ask for a purple ping pong ball?” The son looked at his father and in a faint whisper said, "Because dad, because...

RESPONSE
And then he died.
 
MongoTheGeek said:
Its the GGGB joke. (Great Green Golf Ball) I heard it 15 years ago on R.H. It was a running gag almost.
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RH? What's that?

I heard it in 7th grade as the PPPB joke. I gues that was about 12. So about 15 years ago as well. I remember we had PE later. Dodgeball had never been so much fun for everybody that heard the joke (and so not fun for him) :D .
 
Q. What's better than winning a silver medal in the Special Olympics?








A. Not being in the Special Olympics. :D
 
MongoTheGeek said:
R.H. = Rec.Humor Usenet newsgroup. The truly seamy side of the internet.
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That just sounds like a dodgy neighborhood...

UKnjb said:
Me, I haven't heard it before. Brilliant! Laughed out loud, I did. Thanks.
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You should have someone tell it to you or tell it to someone (it's flexible as you can add or subtract events as needed for effect and to ensure that people remain interested). Just be prepared to run if you tell it at its worst (my best is 15 minutes without losing interest; 22 min I had to rush the end).
 
Lion walks into a bar and says to the barman - "A pint of beer and.......................................................................................a packet of crisps please."
To which the barman replies - "Why the biy pause?"
Lion - "Dunno, I was born with them."

*************

Horse walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer to which the barman replies -"Why the long face" etc.

*************

What the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch information into the drummer once.

*************

What the best thing about ****ing twenty one year olds?
Sorry the punch-line to this isn't forum suitable, but you can PM me if you can't figure it out

*************

What 3ft tall but won't fit in an elevator?
A midget with a spear through his head.

*************

Two arabs in Millets*(*UK outward bound store) browsing through back-packs and one turns to the other.
Does my bomb look big in this?

*************

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead whore?
There's no Ferrari in my garage.

*************

I like my women like my coffee.
Ground up and in my freezer.

*************

I said I was thirsty the other day and my mum said she was going to go into the garden and dig for water.
I thought "She means well."

*************

man has been suffering from terrible headaches for years, they’re so bad they’ve stopped him ever going out and meeting people or enjoying himself.

His doctor’s told him that the problem is thought to be that his testicles are putting pressure on the base of his spine and that the only option is to remove his testicles.

Now he’s resisted this for obvious reasons but eventually figures that he’ll have more fun without his testicles and no headaches than he ever could with the headaches so submits to surgery.

The morning after the surgery it’s as if he’s been born again, the headaches has gone after all these years, colours are more vibrant, the sky is beautiful and the birdsong is sweeter than ever.

He decides that there’s no time to lose to start finally enjoying his new life and makes arrangements to go out that very evening.

He decides his image could do with a make over so walks, with a new spring in his step, down to the shops.

First he goes into a tailors and explains he needs a new suit to impress, he’s about to tell the tailor his size when the man stops him and says:-

“I am Luigi the master tailor. I’ve been doing this for years and have highly trained eyes. I can tell at a glance you are a 34” waist with a 40” chest and a 33” inside leg.”

He’s very impressed as Luigi is spot on and adds that he’d like a nice shirt too.

Luigi explains that he doesn’t do shirts but that his brother Mario does and is two doors down, so off our hero goes new suit under his arm.

He enters Mario’s shop and explains the situation Mario immediately picks up a shirt with a 17½” collar. Our hero says that luckily that was the right size.

“I am Mario the master shirt maker. I’ve been doing this for years and have highly trained eyes. I can tell at a glance what size you are and luck has nothing to do with it!”

Our man is about to leave when he asks if Mario could recommend a shoe shop in the area. Mario explains that as luck would have it the best cobbler in town had the shop across the road and what’s more was owned by his brother Tony.

He meets Tony and shows him some shoes he likes the look of as Tony glances at his feet he begins to explain but is cut short by Tony:-

“I am Tony master cobbler. I’ve been doing this for years and have highly trained eyes. I can tell at a glance you are a size 9….” At which point our hero interjects that:-

“Actually ….” But is cut off again by Tony:-

“….on your left but a 9½ on your right.”

Again the shopkeeper is spot on and our hero is amazed. All he needs now is some new underwear.

On leaving the shop he spies down the road ‘Franco’s Underwear Shop’ and enters. Franco has an uncanny resemblance to the three brothers he’s already met and he asks if those guys are related. Would you believe it they are Franco is the oldest of the four brothers.

Franco studies our hero and proudly announces that he takes a large size of underpants.

Our hero says:-

“Sorry Franco but you’re wrong, which is a shame because each of your younger brothers has excelled in their chosen fields and at just a glance told me exactly what size of suit, shirt or shoe I wear. Sorry Franco you’re wrong I wear medium underwear.”

Franco looks confused and embarrassed and says:-

“But a man of your size and build, if he wore medium underpants they’d push his testicles into the base of his spine and he’d have terrible headaches!”

*************

George W Bush
 
Shamus said:
I officially request your top three. :)
Click to expand...

Okey dokey, this is the third and my all-time favourite .....

So the general practitioner doctor was sitting in his surgery, filling out notes and I do not know what. The receptionist knocked on his door and announced the next patient. In shuffled this aged man, wearing a shabby over-coat.

"Ah, hello Mr Smith", said the GP, "how good to see you again. It has been a while ..... Now what seems to be the problem?"

Mr Smith sat down at the desk and said, "Nuffink's the matter, mate, but I'm 'ere to get yer help for me and me missus"

"Ummmm ....", said Mr Smith, "werl, it's -- werl ---- we's wanting to 'ave a baby and we wants yer to 'elp us"

"Ummmm .... ", echoed the doctor, "you want a baby. Right. Ummm ... Excuse me for asking, Mr Smith, but I see from your notes that you are --- well, you are 91 years old!"

"Yers, that's right", said Mr Smith, "91 indeed and 92 next year. But me and the missus we wants to 'ave a baby before we die. An' we want yer 'elp since it might be a bit of a problem, what wiv our age an' all. So will yer 'elp us?"

"Ummmm ....", said the GP, "And - er- how old would your wife, Mrs Smith, be? And how is her health?"

"Oh, 'er, werl she's 87 years old and --- werl, poor old cow, she's got arfritis sumfink terrible. All 'er joints is frozen up and 'er 'ands are like 'ooks. Nuffink works there, but sh'e a game old bird an' she's desperate for a baby. before it's all too late"

"Hmmmmm .... ", said the GP, "I've never been asked this before Mr Smith, and I will have to think hard about it ..... the social and ethical questions and such like. And I will have to talk to your wife and .... Well we shall have to talk about it. So why don't you come back tomorrow with Mrs Smith and we can take it from there? And in the meantime -- and here he gave Mr Smith a 25ml plastic Universal bottle, with a white screw-top-cap (about 4" long and about 1" wide) ---- just in case we go ahead, could you produce a semen sample? Just to make sure that everything is - er - working properly?"

"Oh, right ho doc!", sadi Mr Smith, putting the bottle in his coat pocket, "we'll come back an' see yer tomorrer, me an' me missus. Fanks guv, an' I'll bring me sample wiv me *wink*".

So next morning, Mr and Mrs Smith appeared in the GP's surgery again, Mr Smith still in his shabby coat and Mrs Smith shuffling in on her Zimmer frame. Arthritic or what? She was bent double with every joint inflamed and her hands like frozen birds' claws, hooked round the handles of the frame. The GP was soooo polite .... "Mrs Smith .... a true delight to see you. Do sit down and ... well, tell me about what you want me to do for you."

So she looked at him and, her eyes going moist, said "Please doc, yer've gotta 'elp us. yer see, I need to 'old a baby in my arms before I die, I do. It's all I ever wanted, the years are going by an' me arfritis is gettin' worse an' .... werl, I wanna 'ave me own baby to 'old against my knackered chest and love it in my own sweet aged and demented way."

The doctor, himself with damp eyes after hearing her pitiable story, looked at them both and said that he had thought about it and would agree to help. But no guarantees, mind.

"And, erm, ..... did you bring the sample bottle, Mr Smith?" he asked.

"Oh yer, guv, 'ere it is", said Mr Smith and handed over the plastic bottle. Which was ---- empty!!!!!!!

"Mr Smith!!!", said the doc, "the bottle is empty and devoid of any semen sample. I do not know what to do or say!"

"Oh yes", said Mr Smith, "empty is what it is all right. I tried so 'ard, guv, I really did. But I fink it must be sumfink to do wiv me age - fings don't work so well as when yer younger, do they? I tried 'ard. I tried wiv my right 'and .... no luck there. So I changed 'ands ... I find that often works, don't you? But .... werl, still no luck. I kept goin' though. An' then I thought that she might 'ave better luck. But you can see that the poor old cow's riddled wiv the arfritis an' she can't use 'er 'ands. So she 'as to use 'er mouth. So she tried 'ard that way. Lord she tried. She tried first wiv 'er teeth in - somtimes works - but no luck. So we've found that it often works better if she takes 'er teeth out and she just uses 'er gums. So she tried long and 'ard that way wiv a great deal of enfusiasm, I was shouting and encouraging 'er, an' we thought it was going to work, but in the end ....

<highlight>
we couldn't unscrew the cap off that bottle, no matter how hard we tried!!"
 
UKnjb said:
Okey dokey, this is the third and my all-time favourite .....
, but in the end ....

<highlight>
we couldn't unscrew the cap off that bottle, no matter how hard we tried!!"
Click to expand...


have heard that one before
the MUCH MUCH shorter version
however- i was quite amused to read a longer version....

--- & to the rest-
good material- keep 'um comin!
i'll add a few here this afternoon i think.
 
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Give me 3 minutes to get hard, I just got laid
 
Jaffa Cake said:
Ah... but what do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Do-you-think-he-saurus?
Click to expand...
And what do you call a dinosaur with no eyes's dog?

Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex With apologies to the writers of JP...it was on TV Friday
 
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