My girlfriend, a hotel room, and a 30 year old

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by haiggy, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. haiggy macrumors 65816

    Aug 20, 2003
    Ontario, Canada
    Alright, here it goes. This may be a bit long but I'm just curious to get as many opinions as possible on this.

    My girlfriend (age 21, I'm 22) worked at a private client bank and worked with a 30 year old man who would hit on her at work. Around Christmas time for the staff party, they were both there with other people drinking (of course) and he had the idea that he was going to sleep with her that night and when it didn't happen he was upset/angry. Apparently someone had told him she could be his date to encourage him to come to the party or something. Nothing happened but that's just a little background info.

    Fast forward to now: My girlfriend studied abroad for 4 months in England and got back a few days ago. Things between us are great. I went and visited her for 2+ weeks and it was amazing. I had my convocation yesterday and her and her family were there and things are all good. So yesterday afternoon she texted me saying that "Dave" (not his real name) wanted to catch up and hang out and she asked if I was alright with that.

    At first I said yeah sure... but then I remembered that Dave was this 30 year old from work who hit on her and wanted to sleep with her at the staff party. So I ask her if he's the same guy... she says yes. This same guy no longer works at the bank with my girlfriend... he lives 2 hours away but for whatever reason is in town every now and then and stays in a hotel. He asked her to visit him at his hotel room to watch the hockey game with him and catch up.

    At this point... I'm trying to stay calm because of the fact she even thought about going.. and we have about a half hour long conversation about how I feel that it is a bad idea and that she should meet him somewhere else like at a coffee shop or a restaurant... or go with a group of girls. By the end of the conversation I had got my point across with some very good arguments and she had essentially said "Okay, you're right. I didn't think about that. Yeah" - I got a bunch of answers like that. I have no problem if she hangs out with the guy, but I had a big problem with hanging out in his hotel room watching the hockey game (most TVs are set up infront of the beds in hotel rooms to begin with). Even the hotel bar I had no problem with.

    I heard nothing about it for a few hours.

    Then at 930pm she texted me saying she asked him if they could hang out in the hotel restaurant or something instead. He said "Well there's chairs and couches in the hotel.. don't have to go near the bed" and that was good enough for her. She told me she could "guage the situation" and she "trusts herself to not let anything happen." I said "I trust YOU, I don't trust HIM. You are putting yourself in a 100% avoidable situation and you truly do not know what will happen." I could go on and on but there's just so many reasons why this is a stupid idea. I feel like there's no reason she should be at his hotel room alone with her when she doesn't have to be. So she ends up going to this 30 year old's hotel room at 10:15pm to watch the "hockey game" (which was half way in the third period at this point) and was there until 12:20am. I sent her a text or two while she was there and she was like "everything's fine. Don't worry" but I'm pissed off at the fact that she KNEW exactly how I felt about it and didn't feel like she should go and she went anyways.

    I feel the situation is escalated in the sense that he hit on her at work previously and was upset when he wasn't able to sleep with her and was now inviting her to his hotel room 4 months later without having seen each other. I asked her... if she was in my shoes... and I met a 30 year old girl who hit on me at work and asked me to her hotel room and I went even after she told me she didn't want me to... how would she feel?? "I guess I'd be upset..." was something along the lines to the response I got.

    Of course she feels like her decision was okay because "nothing happened" in the end and it makes it harder to get my point across that this was a stupid thing to do.

    Am I right in thinking she shouldn't have gone to his hotel room? So late at night? With a 30 year old who is sexually attracted to her? She is a fairly small girl if it came to it and someone wanted to over power her it wouldn't be an issue. Which is frightening.

    When I suggested going to get coffee or something she said "but then it's more like a date and I don't want to be seen in public with him. And I wanted to leave whenever I wanted" (This seems completely reasonable to do at coffee as well and I'm pretty sure coffee isn't a date unless they both make it to be and is better than a hotel room).

    Sorry if this seems like a big rant, I'm just pretty frustrated as she's a smart girl and things between us are great and then this comes up out of nowhere. The bottom line is she went even after how against it she knew that I was. And the fact that I don't think there's any reason at all she should ever be near his hotel room alone. This all happened last night.

    TL;DR. 21 year old girlfriend gets invited to 30 year old guys hotel room from work to catch up after her study abroad in England. He hits on her at work and was angry he didn't get to sleep with her at the staff Christmas party. I tell her I think its a bad idea and she says okay and ends up going to his room at 10pm anyways

    Any advice MR? Should I confront her, be angry, ignore it, break up with her? She completely went against my feelings and went. I still can't believe it. I'm 100% sure nothing happened but that's not the point to me...
  2. leekohler macrumors G5


    Dec 22, 2004
    Chicago, Illinois
    Umm...I say get over it. You gave her advice and she chose to do the opposite of what you wanted. The situation turned out to be fine. I think you're making way too big a deal out of this. I think you need to trust her when she says she knows the situation well enough.
  3. renewed macrumors 68040


    Mar 24, 2009
    Bemalte Blumen duften nicht.
    seriously read this quote again... trust me I'm going through something similar right now and it's not easy to let go but if you love yourself and demand respect then it's not right. if she puts herself in that situation after how he hit on her and was mad or whatever then she will do it again. some things can be considered mistakes others are a sign of character.
  4. arkitect macrumors 603


    Sep 5, 2005
    Bath, United Kingdom
    If you can't trust her enough to make her own decisions (good or bad) then your relationship will not get far.

    But heh, I speak with 20:20 hindsight. Been there decades ago.
  5. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6


    Aug 17, 2007
  6. h1r0ll3r macrumors 68040


    Dec 28, 2009
    While I can understand your stance on this with you wanting your girlfriend to be safe and all, I think you should let this go for now and hope it settles down. The more you bring this issue up or make a big(ger) deal about this, the more she'll get fed up with it and, possibly, the more she'll be inclined to say, "eff this", and meet up with him again and again just to spite you. Then, who knows, something might really happen at that point.

    If you do trust her and she thinks she can handle the situation on her own, leave it at that and just bite your tongue. Carry on as you normally would and just trust her. No one enjoys being treated like they're incompetent or incapable of thinking for themselves. Yeah, the situation is a bit unfavorable but if your gal says she can handle it, let her be.
  7. ri0ku macrumors 6502a

    Mar 11, 2009
    You obviously trust her I think anyway but I know why your mad and I would be too. Its like she completely denied thinking about your feelings on the matter and went and did the opposite... Thats what would be worrying me and annoying me.
  8. PatrickCocoa macrumors 6502a

    Dec 2, 2008
    Everybody Wants Love

    Everybody wants to be wanted. She is enjoying being pursued, flattered that someone is interested in her. That doesn't make her a bad person, but clearly there's an asymmetry in your relationship with her - she wants to be multiple, you want to be exclusive.

    You're going to have to end it with her. If you don't, you'll spend the next ten or twenty years going through this again and again.

    The only question is do you end it definitively, or give her the option to come back when (if) she's done wild-oating? Note: it's going to take her at least a year of being free and the subject of the attention of many men to decide if she prefers that to being with you.

    Version 1: Honey, it's just not working out, I wish you the best, please don't call me.

    Version 2: Honey, it's just not working out, I wish you the best, if you're interested in it being just me and you, feel free to call.
  9. haiggy thread starter macrumors 65816

    Aug 20, 2003
    Ontario, Canada
    If it makes any difference in anyone's thoughts... we've been dating for 3.5 years and her parents and my parents are good friends since we were kids. Things between us as I said are great. She wouldn't cheat on me... if I suspected any cheating I would dump her quick. The problem is that she went against my feelings and dismissed them to make this other guy happy instead of possibly upsetting him.
  10. ri0ku macrumors 6502a

    Mar 11, 2009
    You should tell her that, talk to her face to face. If I ever have issues with something my girlfriend does I go tell her bluntly and to the point. Its the best way. She can do the same with me too, I would rather be told directly and to the point if I was doing something out of order.
  11. ChazUK macrumors 603


    Feb 3, 2008
    Essex (UK)
    So many issues there for you. Give her too much freedom, she may end up in a situation neither of you want, go too harsh on her and it will either drive her away or at worst, to him.

    It's a good thng you can speak so openly about the concerns you have but I completely sympathies with your worries.

    I think the best thing to do would be to open up with her in a one to one chat, find out why she felt she needed to spend time with the guy considering his past and why she went against your wishes after you'd both agreed what you'd like them to do. Its a two way street so let her have her say.

    I really don't envy your situation but do wish you all the best. :)
  12. bizzle macrumors 6502a

    Jun 29, 2008
    Dump that cheating skank. Why would she want to catch up with some creep who she doesn't even work with anymore? She has no reason to hang out with this guy.

    I trust my girlfriend completely, but if she wanted to hang out with some other dude who used to hit on her and wanted to slam it in her at some hotel, I'd know something is up.

    You're getting played. If your girlfriend really cared about you, she wouldn't be at a hotel with some guy, she would have respected your feelings on the subject and told the guy it wasn't going to happen. The fact that she even asked you about it, and didn't flat out tell the guy to pound sand, shows she's up to no good.
  13. RawBert macrumors 68000


    Jan 19, 2010
    North Hollywood, CA
    IMO you should end it with her now. The moment that TRUST isn't 100% certain, you're in trouble - and it only gets worse from there.

  14. -aggie- macrumors P6


    Jun 19, 2009
    Where bunnies are welcome.
    I’d dump her. She doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, so unless you want someone like that in your life, dump her and move on. There simply wasn’t any reason she needed to go to that hotel room.
  15. torpex macrumors newbie

    May 27, 2011
    Dump her asap, no need to think here. Plenty of other girls in the world.
  16. sladester macrumors newbie

    Dec 24, 2009
    Dump her. That was totally wrong of her not to care about how you felt. She says nothing happened but you, along with everyone else who reads this post, realizes something probably did. It's just too sketchy for her to be telling the truth. I watched that game btw, good game if you like Boston. But it definitely didn't last until 12, as you know, and they must've had something going on in that time.
  17. haiggy thread starter macrumors 65816

    Aug 20, 2003
    Ontario, Canada
    Well I mean come on, I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm convinced that nothing happened. But anyone hearing about the situation of course would assume something did. I know her and I trust her but I just don't see how it makes sense to see him when her friendship with him means almost nothing. Especially at the risk of upsetting me. So of course there are some puzzling questions there but I don't think you can say that since the hockey game ended before 12, somtehing happened. I just think that its stupid he would invite her over to watch the game and she goes when its essentially over. She did come back from a 4 month trip so of course there are things to talk about but seriously, for 2 hours? Ugh.. a phone call would have sufficed...

    I have to treat this situation carefully. If I go too lightly, as some one said that makes her feel like she can do anything she wants and step on me. If I go too harsh, she is like "f this" and gets upset and turns it on me somehow when I'm 100% in right as far as I see it. And since she came back and has said nothing happened and I believe it, it makes it harder show her that this was clearly an issue regardless of what happened.
  18. tobefirst macrumors 68040


    Jan 24, 2005
    St. Louis, MO
    I'm on this side of the fence.
  19. Huntn, Jun 9, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2011

    Huntn macrumors P6


    May 5, 2008
    The Misty Mountains
    For the OP, it's been along time since I've dated (married 25 years), so you can keep that in mind as you read my reply. It's just an impression. For your situation, I can't say with certainty, but I believe the themes are accurate and ultimately it's up to you to decide what is going on.

    When I was dating in a casual relationship, whatever, I'd play it by ear. To get the feeling of comfort and potential for a future relationship, your opposite usually shows a real interest in you and does not want to go hang with other men. This drops the relationship to a very casual up-in-the-air and uncertain relationship.

    But if I had a serious relationship, this situation would make me very uncomfortable. I realize there are cases where people have friends of the opposite sex, but usually they are established friends and they are not going to hang out at hotels with each other. There are people out there who can have platonic friends of the opposite sex, but you've all ready introduced the sexual aspect in the relationship.

    IMO, you can rationalize it's platonic, but you know it's not. If this guy is average, he is on the hunt. If she feels the need to hang with him, it means (to me) she sees something in him. It could be platonic or it could be sexual even if she denies it. It may be difficult to interpret. It could also mean the relationship with you is less than then a dedicated relationship. It is enough that it would make me wary and drop it down to a casual status.

    The bottom line is that you can't talk her out of these decisions. She wants to do what she wants to do. You have to decide how honest she is and if you can handle what is reported as a "friendship" of hers while deciding if this is truly a platonic relationship or not, or should I say, she is maintaining a platonic relationship and realize this status could change at any time as she stabs you in the back. ;)

    Most people I know (or knew when I was dating), if they are really interested in you (a male), they focused on you and were not hanging out with other male "friends".
  20. ri0ku macrumors 6502a

    Mar 11, 2009
    Its really down to this...

    If I was in a hotel room with a girl that wasnt my girlfriend and the girl I was in the room with wanted to sleep with me... then rightfully my girlfriend should be going in guns blazing.

    I wouldnt do that to my girlfriend though because

    A: I respect her
    B: I take her feelings into account and put them in front of my own
    C: Why would I hang out at a hotel room with a friend when I could easily do it somewhere public?

    If you did that to your girlfriend, I bet she wouldnt be happy too... it sounds too weird and wrong to me... surely it should be setting some sort of alarm system off in your brain?

    Even if... nothing happened... Why would she go against your feelings to make another male happy... not right man not right
  21. haiggy thread starter macrumors 65816

    Aug 20, 2003
    Ontario, Canada
    Agree 100%
  22. MacDawg macrumors Core


    Mar 20, 2004
    "Between the Hedges"
    Lasting relationships are built on communication, not on playing cat and mouse games

    Talk with her openly and honestly about your feelings in a non-threatening manner
    Nothing good comes from burying your feelings and ignoring them
    Or from trying to prove you were right

    Dialogue helps you to understand what she is thinking and feeling
    It isn't just how you feel about the situation
    It is how the two of you feel about it
    How you are able to discuss it and understand each other will make or break you
  23. MotleyGrrl macrumors 6502


    Jun 15, 2010
    Chicago, IL
    Your girlfriend doesn't sound like the sharpest tool in the shed. Even at 21 I knew better than to put myself in a dangerous situation like that. I don't think you have to worry about her cheating or anything like that - it's her ability to make good decisions that's in question. (Like willingly and knowingly putting herself at risk.) If her parents knew about this I am sure they would FREAk. Silly, silly girl. WHo does something like that?!?!
  24. Huntn macrumors P6


    May 5, 2008
    The Misty Mountains
    Excellent point. It can be argued she is more interested in satisfying her own feelings, than worrying about the OP's feelings. Not something that instills confidence in a relationship. I'm not saying this is the case, but there are examples where two people with divergent views should head in separate directions.
  25. bigjnyc macrumors 603


    Apr 10, 2008
    Come on dude seriously? First of all that dude is a total weasel and is obviously disrespecting you and has no regard for the fact that she has a boyfriend.... second of all I am inclined to think that she slept with him if she gave in and went to the hotel at that time. Really he so easily convinced her that they were better off in the hotel room cause it has a couch and chairs.. Come on!

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