Sidebar Sidebar
Become a MacRumors Supporter for $50/year with no ads, ability to filter front page stories, and private forums.

Oh god, I never thought I would ask this "here"!

I was in the same situation years ago. I chose to ask my friend permission to pursue her. He said it was okay with him. So, I did and he never talked to me again. :( But, now that same girl is my wife of 6 years and we have two beautiful children!! :D I say talk with him and see what he says.
 
gwuMACaddict said:
still seems to me that it's up to the *gasp* girl.
Click to expand...
Sure it is, but she had to have choices. Saying it's up to the girl is fine if one or both ask them out, but if neither do, then it's a moot point.

I say go for the girl - it's important to "test the waters" and start developing these types of relationships as well as the ones you have with your friend. If your friend can't understand, then perhaps he isn't as good of a friend as your thought.

Chances are, even if she decides to go out with you, it won't last for an extended period of time, and, well, you may not want it to. It's your first relationship. Go for it, have some fun, and don't get too serious.
 
Almost two decades ago, my best friend and I both were interested in the same girl. He was the more outgoing type, so I assumed he'd end up with her, but, lo and behold, she was interested in me. It bothered him enormously that we dated.

But... she ended up breaking my heart (in that first girlfriend sort of way that seems like the end of the world until you experience real emotional trauma later in life). He ended up my best friend, and all three of us are still in touch (her, mainly via Xmas cards, and him, often).

A good friend won't go away because you get the girl. And, in the end, getting the girl might not be the best thing anyway. If she dumps you, he won't be upset anymore (if he ever really was), and if you stay together, well, how can he hold finding a wife against you? Odds are it'll end in a bit (most relationships do) and he'll still be your friend.

Assuming, of course, that she's interested in you. ;)
 
ok... so far people have said:

1. Go for the girl

2. Ask the friend first

3. Good friendships are hard to find



I like 1... :D but then I look at 3, and I know its true. I don't know if I feel totally comfortable asking him (2) becuase we haven't been the best of friends lately anyway. (w/o the girl problem)

Also, some people have said their friendships have recovered, and some haven't. Now I ask myself, is it really worth the risk?
 
OK, SINCE this is a situation is just starting then obviously your friend's feelings should be considered before you do anything----but ultimately let the girl see who she is interested in first between you two. Trust me she already knows who she would rather go out with anyway so she is not sitting there waiting on whoever asks first. Please people. ;)

Now ANY OTHER situation when your in love with someone you have been dating well of course THEY COME FIRST OVER FRIENDS. Especially when that friend comes in like they are top priority or something...WTFever! Anyway, that is when you set them straight. PERIOD. And if you have a true friend then they will completely understand that your girlfriend is more important!!!!! :mad:
 
jsw said:
Any friend you'd lose over a girl isn't one worth trying to keep.
Click to expand...

Spot on.

My friend was dating a girl that I thought was really cool. I wasn't making passes or anything, but I was flirting and in retrospect acting more 'interested' than I should have to respect his relationship with her. It turns out what I wanted more than her was the relationship he had with her, ie a good relationship (as I have been blessed with sh**ty ones).

He was quite upset at the time because he felt like I was trying to move in, or give her a second opportunity in case things didn't work out with him. They eventually broke up and we eventually talked about it....things are fine now.



Of course after that story....I did steal a girl from another guy who was my friend....WAS my friend. We no longer speak and I have a feeling he would want to kick my a** if he wasn't such a pansy :p That was a very complex situation, one I wouldn't want to be in ever again honestly (at the time, I was 18, she was 23.5, he was 29!), but still worth it overall. I'm still pretty proud to this day, in a 'I took your girl you old man you' sort of way :p
 
macartistkel said:
Now ANY OTHER situation when you're in love with someone you have been dating well of course THEY COME FIRST OVER FRIENDS.
Click to expand...
If you're in love with the right person and choose the right friends, odds are there won't ever be a real conflict where you need to set priorities. True friends will understand and not ask something of you they shouldn't, and true loves won't keep you from your friends.

Of course, in this situation, Wes, I think there's no harm in asking her out. As macartistkel points out, she already knows if she's interested. You might as well know too. All this worry might be for naught.
 
efoto said:
I'm still pretty proud to this day, in a 'I took your girl you old man you' sort of way :p
Click to expand...
I think you'll find that women tend not to get "taken" so much as they decide to go where they please. ;)
 
w_parietti22 said:
ok... so far people have said:

1. Go for the girl

2. Ask the friend first

3. Good friendships are hard to find



I like 1... :D but then I look at 3, and I know its true. I don't know if I feel totally comfortable asking him (2) becuase we haven't been the best of friends lately anyway. (w/o the girl problem)

Also, some people have said their friendships have recovered, and some haven't. Now I ask myself, is it really worth the risk?
Click to expand...
Based on what you said above, maybe he really isn't a true friend.

Speaking of which, many folks have different opinions of how a true friend is defined.

Some say that you are lucky if you can hold up 1 finger when asked how many you have. Most people never have a true friend or even close friends for that matter. What most folks have is acquaintances.

There is nothing more enlightening that when a significant life event occurs and you see all your so called friends bail on you. Only the true ones remain true.

That is why they are so rare in life.

So if this is a true friend, forget the girl.

If just an acquaintance, then go for it.

Simple.

Sushi
 
w_parietti22 said:
Ok... I no, I no... another girl help thread. :p
Click to expand...
No worries.

What is really funny in life is that as you get older, the things that were hard when you were younger seem easy.

I think it was Mark Twain who wrote something along the lines of that it was too bad that we were not born with the wisdom of an 80 year old and then work our way backwards.

What might help you out, is to think about things in the future so that you are looking back on the situation. Kind of like hindsight.

That has helped me at times.

Sushi
 
SilentPanda said:
Wait wait wait... does your friend have an iBook? I see you have one in your sig. Chicks dig Macs. You win.

:D
Click to expand...

hmmm....that angle never worked for me :eek:
 
I agree with people's advice to not ruin your friendship over a girl.

But, since that might not dissuade you, I'll at least say that if you do go for her, try a little diplomacy. Ask a close girl friend of hers if she knows if the girl you're interested in likes you or your friend. Tell her that you and your male friend are both interested. This should flush out her desires, so that instead of you two guys feeling like you're betraying each other, instead whoever she likes most is simply going for her, which just makes sense, and should leave less bad feelings. But do NOT tell your male friend about this until after all is said and done.
 
Dude it all goes like this:

There is one saying with women that will hold true for all time and that is "The poon you turn down, is the poon you will never get!" I say go for it, if you two are truely friends then you will be even after this chick plays the both of you and goes out with some **** who goes by the saying above. The question is are you going to be that ****!
 
Bros over hoes. There's billions of chicks out there, why let one jeopardize a friendship?

On the other hand, if you don't do anything, and your friend turns out to be a chump and doesn't do anything either, you'd feel dumb. I'd say tell your friend you'll let him have a week or whatever to get the moves on, and if he cannot muster up the courage, swoop in and grab the lady..
 
w_parietti22 said:
He's already mad at me because I like her and he wants to ask her out too. I don't want to ruin my friendship with him, but I really really like her!!!
Click to expand...

Let me see if I understand this, you 'friend' is mad at you for being interested in someone he also likes? Either he has the balls to ask her out or not. Sounds like he has not done so yet. So you are not able to pursue any one he likes, but has not yet pursued himself? Whatever.

Sounds like he is not dating her so she is open territory. If your friend is "mad" at you for being interested in the same person that he is, he needs to get a life--and you a new friend. Until she is going steady, engaged or married its open season. May the best man win. Oh to be a teenager again!
 
electronboy said:
Let me see if I understand this, you 'friend' is mad at you for being interested in someone he also likes? Either he has the balls to ask her out or not. Sounds like he has not done so yet. So you are not able to pursue any one he likes, but has not yet pursued himself? Whatever.
Click to expand...

Carrying on from this, why aren't you annoyed that he likes the girl you like? Surely it works both ways.
 
Lau said:
Carrying on from this, why aren't you annoyed that he likes the girl you like? Surely it works both ways.
Click to expand...

Exactly. If they're not together, then you should go for it, and he just have to accept that you have the same right as him to go for her.

On the other hand (to comment on other posts, since it's not your case); if a friend of mine started flirting with my girl, I'd let him know just how I feel about it, and that it's in his best interest to desist; and if he tried to have her break up with me, I'd break his jaw :mad:.
 
Whoa! Damn... now Im mad! :mad:

Guess what I was just told!

Ok so over IM, the girls best friend just told me that my "friend" asked her to ask the girl to go with a movie all together, heres the best friends quoted conversion:

F= Friend

G'sF= Girl's friend
____

F: Hey want to go to a movie?

G'sF: Sure

F: Can you invite Julia (the girl) for me?

G'sF: Ok

G'sF: Want to invite someone else?

F: Sure, i guess, i dunno. Who?

G'sF: How bout Wes?

F: NO! Don't invite Wes! Absolutely not!

G'sF: Why not? Wes is tight. and he's so nice!

F: But he "Flirts w/ all the girls" and he likes Julia!
_________

Man, just cause I'm comfortable talking to girls doesnt mean I flirt with all of them! :mad: Luckly, Julia was out of town and couldnt go...


Now Im mad at him, and he technically asked first! :( I'm not sure if she knows though.

Maybe I should just ask "G'sF" out. lol. :eek:
 
looks to me like the girl and her friend are clearly fair game, and it does seem to my like her friend likes you. So maybe you should ask out her friend.
 
jsw said:
Any friend you'd lose over a girl isn't one worth trying to keep.
Click to expand...

but one could argue any friend who would choose a girl over his buddy isn't much of a friend either. friendship is a two-way street. normally i think you and i seem to share a similar outlook on things but this one might be the contrast. :)

thing is - people are unique and a 'one size fits all' approach just doesn't apply universally. this friend of w_parietti22 doesn't seem to take it well that he is the shy one; he would resent him (probably quietly) and it would deteriorate the friendship. w_parietti22 seems (just a hunch) the more laid-back and more understanding one, where as the friend doesn't seem as able to take such things in stride. (if that makes sense) different strokes for different folks.

i dunno, it's just my suspicion that it's wiser to value the buddy over the girl that may or may not work out anyway. i'm a really loyal friend though and just can't imagine potentially harming a friendship over a mere potential relationship... girls are everywhere, this one seems to be more of a potential for trouble than anything else. <shrugs> not worth it in my humble opinion.

still not satisfied? i'd recommend talking to the buddy about it... might help make the decision more clear.

my $.02

EDIT: (just read the IM conversation posted)

he sure is the jealous type isn't he? good grief. i'd talk to him, he seems a bit flustered about things... time to straighten them out i think.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Register on MacRumors! This sidebar will go away, and you'll see fewer ads.
Top Bottom
Back