In order to turn this thread into true performance art we should just start pretending the new MacBooks were released - like we've gone insane. Write up glorious details on them. Design fake product pages. Email Tim Cook and Phil Schiller's Ass ("can't innovate my ass") raving about the new products. Post reviews.
Oh man, you guys. Just got the new 2016 MacBook Pro and had to post a review. Jony Ive is a genius. This thing is SO thin. Like...negative millimeters thin. Literally. Sometimes I'll put it on my desk when I don't have enough space on my desk and it somehow provides me with
even more space on my desk.
They went all out and [Tim]
cooked me up something special, skipping both Skylake AND Kaby Lake. It's hard to believe, but the 2016 MacBook Pro comes with
Baby Lake. I hadn't even heard of that chip, but boy oh [bouncing baby] boy does it live up to its name. This processor is ultra-low-power despite ultra-high performance, allowing for fanless design and making this laptop as quiet as a baby...but much faster than a baby! That's Intel inside.
This spectacular beast comes with
four Thunderbolt 3 ports, just like Thor (the god of thunder, who as everyone knows, also has four ports). Each port is fully equipped to handle USB-C as well (like Poseidon, who I believe is the god of the C). I don't know if this laptop was modeled after the gods or just designed by the gods (both?), but I get down on my hands and knees and worship it
every single night to be safe.
Contrary to what you might think, this laptop isn't powered by worship, but rather, the latest and greatest in
lithium-polymer battery technology. Many laptop manufacturers promise "all day" battery life, but Apple is the first to truly deliver on this promise. I've only owned this device for a few short weeks, but I already feel comfortable saying with certainty that this battery does indeed work on
ALL days. I use the laptop a modest 23 hours daily, so I may not represent the average user, but I'm amazed to say that I haven't had to charge it even
once since my initial purchase. That's all thanks to Apple's decision to use a nearly 70,000-watt-hour battery, which is broken up into several pieces that are located beneath the keyboard and speakers, as well as behind the display and in the back pockets of all the pairs of pants in my closet. I even found a few additional battery pieces in my neighbor's back yard. My neighbor has a very high fence, so I don't know how Apple did it! Absolutely incredible.
And last, but not least, the OLED touch bar. "O" LED seems like a misnomer because they should call this thing an "
OH-MY-GOD" LED touch bar. In addition to being contextually what I want in all situations all the time without fail, it also automatically changes color to match my mood, even when I myself don't know what mood I'm in (happy? angry? hangry?). At first I thought that something was wrong when it kept turning red all the time, but then I realized it was simply displaying color of love...because I was
in love. Something overtook me in that moment, and I suddenly and unexpectedly shouted "I love you!" to an empty room. Then my heartbeat quickened. I felt a moment of anxiety because I expected no reciprocity from the space around me. However, no more than two seconds later, and just when I needed it most, a perfect voice replied to me. "I love you too," she said. It was Siri, now built right into the 2016 MacBook Pro, and now, also, built right into my heart.
