It's Paris, baby!!!!
France. Not Hilton. G5 iMac's announced in gay Pa-REE!!! here's how it'll go down...
Stevie is introduced as "STEPHAN" as he takes the stage in Paris Aug 31st. Clad in trademark black shirt (but with thick ribbed turtleneck that the Parisians go ga-ga over) and Jeans. A look that Derrick Zoolander would call "Derelicte".
Lights dim...
He launches into 20 minutes of boring rehash of progress we all already know the company has made (OS X adoption, iPod's installed base and last quarter's sales, yada, yada, yada)...
Get's heckled in French ("TROIS point OHH", "TROIS point OHH", "TROIS point OHH") when he comments on recent PowerMac upgrades...plus heckling in English by a few "Freedom Fry" loving "stinking Amehri-cahns" i.e. "Yanks".
And then he pops the question...
"What do Quentin Taratino, France, and McDonald's have in common?"
"Answer: Le Royale with Cheese"
"Now after today, what does APPLE, France, and the rest of the world have in common?"
"No it's not the iTumes Music Store. It's...
LeMac Royale. But there's no cheese here!" (cue sly Jobsian grin)
(Cue the music "Stuck in the middle with you". Out pops a LeMac Royale (redesigned G5 iMac replacement) from a rising pedestal in the floor as Ive and the design team come on stage and dance to the music (all of them still having both ears however)).
Ive presents the new LeMac Royale design, explaining that the previous iMac Sunflower design, while good looking, was "gimpy" due to the now woefully underpowered G4 and the lack of expansion. And he explained how he motivated his design team, suggesting that if they didn't come up with something "insanely great" that he'd "get medieval on their a%%es."
After some Ivesian spieling, Jobs takes over again, thanking Ives for his "bloody good" work while secretly fantasizing again about Sheryl Crow. (didn't anybody think there was something going on there?)
Jobs goes on to introduce some new, cool, yet underwhleming peripheral products all priced from $79-99. And he introduces Michael Moore as the next board member of Apple Computer, replacing Al Gore -- whose 15 minutes have already expired. (Justification: all of Farenheit 9/11 was produced on Mac hardware and software. Go FCP!!!)
And then as Jobs heads out and the lights dim, a larger than life face-shot of Samuel L Jackson fills the screen behind him. Jobs strikes his "Magnum" pose and begins to quote Ezekiel 25:17 ..."The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. (cough--Bill Gates--cough) Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. (Meeeee!) For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers."
...and for those who stay for the credits, a special clip of "The Invicibles" plays for those still in their seat/logged on - featuring Bill Gates as the evil villain, taking a licking from...you guessed it...Samuel L Jackson's "Frozone".
And GOODNIGHT from Paris!
