Your help on this positively crazy relationship

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by mgacam2, Mar 30, 2008.

  1. mgacam2 macrumors regular

    mgacam2

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    #1
    Alright, so this is going to be a long post and I hope you can put up with it. There's this girl I met back when I was in grade 10 and we instantly became friends. I liked her when I first met her but never made my feelings totally apparent, but I did initiate phone calls and such with her because I asked her to semi-formal. She rejected me because she wanted to just go as a group which she in fact did. Eventually our friendship picked up very quickly and we became best friends literally. We hung out 7 days a week and talked on the phone all day and night every day. At the time I guess you could say I didn't have the same experience that I do now. She was very flirty and I fell into the trap that maybe she actually liked me back. We went to a coldplay concert, her favourite band where she said it was a life changing moment for her, and as we were heading home i tried to kiss her. It ended horrible and she literally ran away from me. We spoke a few days later and we had a big argument about it. Afterwards things went back to normal and everything was the same. Similar events happen on and off for a bit. Then there is a period I get a girlfriend. I didn't really like my girlfriend to much at the time. During the period I went out with this girl, my friend and me had some of the best times ever. She became very flirty and everything that was already at a pretty awesome level got better. She was obviously jealous as we had a fight about it later when I tried to again make a move on her. She admited it to me. So time goes on and she heads to university. This is the same school that i wanted to go to and I some how convinced her to go there. I on the other hand decide to take a year off.


    During this year the relationship was good but it slowly started to go down hill. At first she called me long distance and made all the effort she could to contact me. Then after a while she just slipped away. She finally came back after her first year and again our relationship strengthened. But then things get weird. I started to get extremely jealous of everyone and anyone she mentioned that was a guy. I also ended up finding out about dates with guys that she had that she didn't want to tell me. I start to keep to myself a lot more and im more distant and quiet. Eventually I try and warm back up to her and she comes back to visit me for New Years this year. We go to the New Years party and she ends up getting drunk and i catch her dry humping and making out with my friend. My friend tells me that he was drunk too but still told her that I would get mad and not to do this. She says she doesn't care and does it anyway. I see them and I just about explode. I grabbed my friend by the neck and held him up against the wall and was about to punch him but I stopped myself. I was the DD for her and was taking care of her. I told her as she lay drunk on the couch to find her own way home and began to get ready to leave. She looks at me with the sweet eyes that I love and says to me, But Mike you promisedd you'd take care of me. So I drove her home. She pukes several times and I do everything in my power to help her. I even touch all the puke to try and clean her up. I get her to her room and she pushes me away telling me to just GO. it was very hard on me. Afterwards she asked me to come out as if nothing even happend. We went to a movie and we still hadn't talked about it. We ended up having a small argument at the theater. I asked her if she was mad at me for something I did. We ended up talking about it after when we got back to her house and she said she felt like her life wasn't going anywhere. I of course consoled her and etc. Afterwards I pretty much cut contact for 2 months.


    She tried to make contact at first but I quickly found ways to keep myself busy so that it didn't seem like I was purposely ignoring her. Now she isn't quite affectionate as before obviously. I finally said screw it and decided to talk to her. We had 5 years of friendship and I missed her alot. I actually love her.. So we have begun conversation and talking again and it's doing really well. She is talking to me and calling me again and looks forward to seeing me. Heres what I want to ask. Right now I'm probably digging myself deeper into the already bottemless pit known as the friend zone. I work for her family , our family's are tight and her brother looks up to me. I want this girl more than anything. She has started clubbing alot more among other things and probably other things. She's recently really gotten into making her self look hot aka LOTS of make up and skanky clothes. What do i do here. I love the girl but i hurts my heart alot if I hear anything about other guys. Everyone tells me to cut my losses because she isnt worth it, but I beg differ. I'm willing to go through alot if i can get her, and have been un knowing to the result. So where do I go from here? I really am hopeless on this and I appreciate and feedback and advice I can take.
     
  2. StealthRider macrumors 65816

    StealthRider

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2002
    Location:
    Yokosuka, Japan
    #2
    This happens to me too - though usually it's my fault, I end up digging myself into the "friend" role without making a romantic move.

    As hard is it may be, you have to make a move if you want anything. If she still rejects you, start to wean yourself off of her. Five years is a long time - one more chance, then you need to move on.
     
  3. dmr727 macrumors G3

    dmr727

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2007
    Location:
    Southern California
    #3
    She probably digs guys that use paragraphs.

    Dang it! My joke is ruined with your edit! :)
     
  4. mgacam2 thread starter macrumors regular

    mgacam2

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    #4
    I just fixed that while you posted the comment, thanks for that :rolleyes:
     
  5. c073186 macrumors 6502a

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2007
    #5
    Was that originally one block of text!? Cause that'd just be insanely unreadable... :p
     
  6. zap2 macrumors 604

    zap2

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2005
    Location:
    Washington D.C
    #6
    ahh, the old friend trap...hate it,but I've learned to live with it for some people, and at a point I stop look at the whole possible relationship, and begin to love the friendship I'm in.
     
  7. apsterling macrumors 6502a

    apsterling

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2007
    #7
    Your story is just like mine... Through the first paragraph, minus the concert, and the rough failure in trying to kiss her.

    It sounds like you really love her, and if that's the case, you, no matter what she thinks, need to be there. Just don't be there to be Mr. Doormat, like I was. Tell her what you think, if she ignores you, keep trying. Don't let her become anything less than what she was.

    If it isn't going the way you want it, either drop the relationship if it hurts too much, or just be happy with what you have. Its something a lot of people, including me, face daily.
     
  8. zblaxberg Guest

    zblaxberg

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2007
    #8
    Move on and forget about her and you won't regret a single moment of it. To be honest I think that would work.
     
  9. juanster macrumors 68020

    juanster

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2007
    Location:
    toronto
    #9
    Dont know what to say man, I've been there before too, very very similar situations, at the end we ended up working it out and it worked out for a bit, it was some of the happiest moments of my life, but it wasn't meant to be (IMO same case as yours) so when it was done it was some of the hardest times of my life as well, do i regret it? not for a single second, would i do it again knowing how much it was going to hurt at the end? i dont know (i know it sound sliek a contradiction but it s very hard to explain), i know htis doenst help much but just a thought and something to consider while you think
     
  10. mgacam2 thread starter macrumors regular

    mgacam2

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    #10
    what ended up happening between you two once you got together? Why the break up?
     
  11. tMac85 macrumors 65816

    tMac85

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2007
    Location:
    in a great place
    #11
    ok so im guessing your age is 16, 17 or 18, based on the fact that SHE went to Uni. not you.

    look. one, she isnt accepting a kiss. you prob are not "wild enough" for her wild phase she is going through. and thats not a bad thing. her phase will come back around and bite her in the a**.

    you are way young for this crap. move on. you have soooooo much to experience with women before you can go on and say you love her, honestly you cant know love until you have been through the same **** with more than one person. you have nothing to compare your love to except for her. how do you know its love.

    other option is to straight up tell her completely how you feel, just email her the thread post. that will get the point across really well. and im betting she will be the one going in for the kiss.


    good luck man. we have all been there
     
  12. Artofilm macrumors 6502a

    Artofilm

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2005
    #12
    It's a hard thing to get around, something like this...

    No one can tell you that you may or may not love her, but you. But regardless if you do or not, it sounds like she is not prepared for such a relationship. She sounds like she will be a good friend with you for a long time, but nothing more.

    Move on, look for someone that can feel the same way about you.
    You can always love her as a friend...
     
  13. mgacam2 thread starter macrumors regular

    mgacam2

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    #13
    Didnt finish reading some of the responses, but were both 20

    I have had a pretty decent experience with woman though, I mean I'm not a virgin, I go to parties and dance and grind girls all the time, and I'v had girlfriends... She just feels different. I'v cared for alot of different people, but shes the first person I care for ALOT. The one that always makes my heart flutter and my stomach churn no matter how much i see her...or how angry we are at each other
     
  14. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6

    ucfgrad93

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2007
    Location:
    Colorado
    #14
    Agreed, however, I'd tell her how you really feel about her first. If she still rejects you it is time to find another fish in the ocean.
     
  15. mgacam2 thread starter macrumors regular

    mgacam2

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    #15
    What frightens me the most is that I don't want to lose the friendship either, but I don't know if i can tolerate it much more at the same time. Like I said she WILL find another guy and it will break my heart again.
     
  16. SMM macrumors 65816

    SMM

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Location:
    Tiger Mountain - WA State
    #16
    Get out as quick as you can. You liked her as your friend. If you cannot manage that without slipping into romantic feelings, then just move on until you can. This has bummer written all over it. I am not going to guess about what 'makes her tick', but I suspect it means major heartache for you. She may not have evil intentions, but that does not matter, if that becomes the net result for you.
     
  17. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6

    ucfgrad93

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2007
    Location:
    Colorado
    #17
    SMM is correct on this one. You should listen to his advice.
     
  18. NAG macrumors 68030

    NAG

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    Aug 6, 2003
    Location:
    /usr/local/apps/nag
    #18
    Yeah, honestly there isn't really a rush here.
     
  19. Iscariot macrumors 68030

    Iscariot

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2007
    Location:
    Toronteazy
    #19
    Five years means it's time to move on. How much more of your life are you going to waste waiting for something that's not going to happen?

    You can't get her. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, this girl has already made her decision a dozen times, and not once has it come up in your favour. What makes you think a thirteenth time will yield a different result? She's just not into you.
     
  20. xlii macrumors 68000

    xlii

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2006
    Location:
    Millis, Massachusetts
    #20
  21. iJohnHenry macrumors P6

    iJohnHenry

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2008
    Location:
    On tenterhooks
    #21
    This goes in the column "Things I care about, but cannot change."

    Move on.
     
  22. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #22
    I could have just summarized my feelings, but I'm going to tell you exactly what I think. It's harsh, but life is harsh, and someone needs to tell you.

    That's always what guys think. Big mistake. If you let this continue, you'll still be her bitch at age 40. Do you want to be her bitch at age 40? Please don't say yes....

    I'm not a dating specialist, but "running away" is the 1st sign that things aren't going well with a girl.

    No it didn't go back to normal. It didn't for you, and it didn't for her.

    An elephant......and women.....never forgets.


    Doormat.


    Doormat.

    Judging from what you said just before, you played the jealousy card very poorly. And while you may tell us that you weren't playing the jealousy card, you were probably doing so subconsciously. I mean, you didn't even like this temporary "girlfriend" as much as you liked your friend. Surely you knew that before, during, and after that relationship ended.

    Again, you played this very poorly. She may realize what she was missing if you were treating another girl the same way you treated your friend.

    She knew you were watching. Take a hint, pleeeeease. :rolleyes:

    That's assault, brutha!

    They're allowed to make out, you know. Neither of them really owe you lifelong devotion nor a promise to never make-out with others. If she wanted to make out with you, she already would have. She hasn't. She has, and will, choose every other guy before she chooses you.


    Oh my. :eek:


    Did she remember to tip you before you drove away? :p

    Doormat.

    Doormat.

    You're like a boomerang. She knows you'll come back.

    Hopeless doormat.

    You love her? Why! I don't think you actually love her for all of......this. You were infatuated, you got stuck in a rut, and you can't let go of this old infatuation. Now it's just sad. Look at the responses from all these other guys at MacRumours who have all suffered through the same torture, and all thought it was "love". Ask them what love is after they (hopefully) met another girl who reciprocated the same feelings back. You get nothing that comes with a good, loving relationship. You are THE definitive doormat.

    You're like the abused housewife who still....for some reason.....loves her husband enough to forgive him again and again. You think things may change for the better, but they don't. You don't have enough confidence in yourself, and you don't realize your own self-worth. You just don't think there is someone else for you. What she's putting you through is the equivalent of abuse, except this type of abuse is legal, and is partly your fault. You are getting hurt and beat up. When she made out with your friend and knew you were watching......that must have hurt. She's leaving you a clue, but she also knows you can't really just walk away. You can try for a few months, but it's a bit transparent. :eek:

    Learn to walk away from this. Persistence may be a good trait, but not necessarily when trying to get a girl.

    You're the King, Prime Minister, Lord, Knight, Duke, and Earl of Friend Zone. :p :D


    Again, it would only take a snap! of a finger to be with you, and she hasn't snapped those fingers yet. She may weaken for a moment and reconsider a possible relationship with you, but I really doubt her desire for you would be real. She'd just be giving in.

    She's not going to change her feelings for you in a few weeks or months. You're in contact with her quite regularly, and so it's not like she has to re-evaluate her relationship with you. You're just the same old you.......the trusty doormat.

    Do you think you're going to win her over by being even nicer?!

    1. No.

    2. It's not possible to be nicer to her.


    I think nothing will change until you give her some serious time away from you. If she really can't live without all those things you give her, she'll only realize this by being apart from you, and not in contact with you for a long time. No, 2 months isn't a long time. Try 1 or 2 years, and a few relationships with other guys.

    If she finds a guy she's attracted to, then good for her.

    If she dates a few guys and ends up hating all of them, you may have a shot. You never know.

    By "skanky clothes", do you mean clothes that typical teenagers and young 20-somethings go out to clubs in? In most cases, that's not really "skanky". Going to clubs and dancing with girlfriends and some male friends isn't necessarily skanky, either. Maybe you're just a bit more reserved than her. She's trying new things. Maybe you should do the same.

    Wow, you have some smart friends. Care to take their advice?
     
  23. Keebler macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Location:
    Canada
    #23
    my 2 cents:
    it will be hard for you to shut her out, given the family ties and the work...although, can you get another job? just a thought....

    you have 2 issues: 1. the love - that's tough. it's hard to drop your feelings for anything. you feel the way you do b/c you do..simple as that. But, this sounds like a modern day Forrest Gump love/friend/childhood friend (ok, so maybe you don't have the childhood friend thing). It doesn't sound like she has the same feelings back which hurts, but you have to accept that. Sometimes, if one just stays the course, the other person might finally realize their feelings and how lucky she has it in a friend like you.

    the other issue seems to be you not approving of what she's doing. ie. clubbing, slutty clothes. on that point, you can and should approach her if you feel it's not doing you justice. point out that you're not coming at it from a 'hey, i love you' thing, but from the 'hey, you're being a jacka$$' angle. Tell her that you don't think it's her to be doing that stuff. She may not like it, but good friends should always tell their friends when they be straying off course.

    i feel for you b/c I was infatuated with one of my friends before. It was hard...we didn't even talk for almost a year - my doing. i was being an idiot. we're good friends now and i'm happily married.

    hang in there. it may seem like it's the end of the world, but it's certainly not.

    you could go really crazy and tell her you need to back away b/c you love her; she doesn't feel the same and it hurts you to see her with other people etc...

    cheers,
    keebler

    ps. shortly after the ignoring time of my friend, i met the love of my life with whom i've been with for 18 years, happily married with 2 kids. didn't expect all that...
     
  24. xlii macrumors 68000

    xlii

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2006
    Location:
    Millis, Massachusetts
    #24
    This whole thread is beginning to sound like fiction... No guy would stick around this long... would he? It was obvious that it was time to move on a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time ago.

    Just move on... don't even look back...
     
  25. smokeyrabbit macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    May 19, 2005
    Location:
    Escape from New England
    #25
    Wait....are you saying that MacRumors Community Discussion threads AREN'T all fiction??????
     

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