Your help on this positively crazy relationship

[GfPQqmcRKUvP]

I tried to make some action to get break all contact, and in the end I decided against it. I'm trying to embrace all the things I hate and take them in a positive note. Our relationship has improved dramatically over the last few weeks because I'm not holding anything back, aka feelings or things that bug me. I'm being straight up and it's putting my mind a little more at ease. But I do still want her =P

I know this is a mac forum, but the "relationship" advice you've been getting here is spot on.

You don't have a relationship.

I know the girl. She's hot, she used to have all the popular kids as her boy toys and she moved on to you. Originally you liked having her around because it made you feel cool and you looked awesome when she was always around you rubbing your hair or your back in front of your friends. You talked all the time on the phone and harbored romantic feelings for her that were always *almost* reciprocated, but never quite.

As the YEARS drag on, you hold out faint hope that maybe you can make the colossal jump from the friends ladder to the...other ladder. But we have been through this. She doesn't respect you, she doesn't like you, and you can't seem to get this through your head. I'm wary of giving advice to random people because I feel that they have to have experience with something like this first, but you have been at it for 5 years, I feel compelled to type to you. Do you realize that? You've taken a little bit less than a third of your life and cut yourself off to all possibilities except her, THE ONE GIRL meant for you, because she's flirty. I know your situation, and I know that girl. She harbors no more feelings for you than a child values a shiny object. They make the shiny object the center of their attention and then leave it as soon as it loses it's luster.

Stop fooling yourself, she doesn't like you. You shouldn't like her. Stop contact with her, I guarantee you she doesn't care. Just say, "We need to stop talking." I guarantee you after a week or two she won't even make an effort (if she does at all) because, this just in, she never really did make an effort. She will move on to the next guy and break his heart. So please, I'm telling you from experience, move on. Because I guarantee you, once you cut her off and she doesn't seem to care, she doesn't, and then you'll realize what kind of "friend" she was.



'Badandy

 

[mgacam2]

Interesting, alright, I'll give this said motion a try

 

[LumbermanSVO]

I've been there dude, time and time again. Listen to what the other people are saying. Move on and truly forget about it.

Thats what I did. 11 years later I stumbled across that girl and we now have a fantastic relationship and a beautiful daughter. It NEVER would have happened if I didn't forget about her though.

And I REALLY did forget, it turns out there were several time that we were both in the same room and I never saw her. She told me it really blew her mind. When she heard I moved across the country she knew I was gone for good. When we ran into each other we were able to approach each other as mature adults and have a real relationship.

It's funny too, even now I'll talk to someone I once have a romantic interest in. They'll say something that'll make me think "does she like me?" then a few seconds later I'll knock some sense back in my knoggin' and continue just being a good friend.

 

[mgacam2]

Yeah, I'm definitely starting to re think all of this and I think it's best that I cut contact with her for good, no explanation, no nothing.

 

[Abstract]

I tried to make some action to get break all contact, and in the end I decided against it. I'm trying to embrace all the things I hate and take them in a positive note. Our relationship has improved dramatically over the last few weeks because I'm not holding anything back, aka feelings or things that bug me. I'm being straight up and it's putting my mind a little more at ease. But I do still want her =P

You think you've solved your problem and have found a way to handle things because you're "telling her things straight".

The rest of us just think you're an idiot. Stop fooling yourself. Only an idiot can make this mistake for 5+ years. I think me and many many other people here have given you good advice, and yet you think you've solved it by talking to her. Right......as if this will result in dramatic change.

If you want a dramatic change, you need to change dramatically. You're not doing anything but treading water. You just think it's better than before. It's not, and your still in the same spot.

I'm quite exhausted from reading this thread, so I'm just going to leave you.


Good luck Doormat.

 

[mgacam2]

You think you've solved your problem and have found a way to handle things because you're "telling her things straight".

The rest of us just think you're an idiot. Stop fooling yourself. Only an idiot can make this mistake for 5+ years. I think me and many many other people here have given you good advice, and yet you think you've solved it by talking to her. Right......as if this will result in dramatic change.

If you want a dramatic change, you need to change dramatically. You're not doing anything but treading water. You just think it's better than before. It's not, and your still in the same spot.

I'm quite exhausted from reading this thread, so I'm just going to leave you.


Good luck Doormat.

read what I just wrote above. I'v already begun the process and so far it's a lot less difficult then I thought.

 

[Agathon]

I've known women like this. It's her problem, not yours. Some women like to have male "hangers on". The guys are in fact mostly normal, but are trying to deal in a normal way with someone who isn't. I'm guessing she has no long term relationships with other men, which indicates that she's probably commitment phobic to some degree. Women like this will happily give themselves to men who don't give a damn, precisely for that reason.

A question: was her father around when she was growing up? I'm asking because all the women I know like this had absent fathers (the reverse is obviously not true).

If you really do like her, then you can't let her get away with this. You said that she was jealous of you being with other women. In that case, if I were you, I would start dating other girls, not in a serious way, but in a way that demonstrates you are actively looking for and probably sleeping with other women.

If she confronts you about it, say "What do you care?" Basically what you want to do is force her into a position where she has to beg. You can't be weak. If she doesn't go for that, then it will never happen, and you can move on. If she does go for it, you have to sleep with her right away, as she might use the promise of that to re-establish dominance in the relationship.

Listen to that song "Wrapped Around Your Finger" by the Police. That should get you in the mood.

 

[mgacam2]

Yeah, She did have a bit of a rough childhood with her father. Very traditional and mean. Also her parents, both of them, were never around and all the love was given to her younger brother. Don't know if that makes a difference. Also yeah I have been sleeping with other woman and doing things as of lately but I'v kept it from her.

 

[Iscariot]

Yeah, She did have a bit of a rough childhood with her father. Very traditional and mean. Also her parents, both of them, were never around and all the love was given to her younger brother. Don't know if that makes a difference. Also yeah I have been sleeping with other woman and doing things as of lately but I'v kept it from her.

Problems for a psychiatrist to solve, not you.

Sounds like you're getting your head screwed on straight now, if you're really cutting her off.

 

[Abstract]

read what I just wrote above. I'v already begun the process and so far it's a lot less difficult then I thought.

You only posted a few minutes after me. I don't care what you tell me. You said you'd change before, and then you posted that "things are getting better" BS. We both know that isn't true.

Actions speak louder than words. Lets see some action, then we'll talk some more. Until then, none of us can help you unless you help yourself. I can't force you to cut ties with this girl. You need to do it. Otherwise, this is just a conversation that ends with no end result. It'll be just talking.

 

[Agathon]

Yeah, She did have a bit of a rough childhood with her father. Very traditional and mean. Also her parents, both of them, were never around and all the love was given to her younger brother. Don't know if that makes a difference. Also yeah I have been sleeping with other woman and doing things as of lately but I'v kept it from her.

Don't. Be open about it. If she complains, point out that you don't really have a relationship because she isn't interested.

The good news is that it really doesn't have anything to do with you personally.

She sounds very much like a friend of a friend. Her father left early and her mother had problems, so she was raised by elderly relatives. The last I heard, she was on the verge of middle age and has still never had a long term relationship, despite having been quite attractive in her youth. She tended to go out with men who obviously didn't give a damn and just wanted her for sex. After a while it became obvious that she was picking them to avoid a serious relationship, whether consciously or not. This woman used to have male hangers on as well, who liked her but were too serious about it and thus ruled themselves out.

It's quite sad really.

 

[Agathon]

You only posted a few minutes after me. I don't care what you tell me. You said you'd change before, and then you posted that "things are getting better" BS. We both know that isn't true.

Actions speak louder than words. Lets see some action, then we'll talk some more. Until then, none of us can help you unless you help yourself. I can't force you to cut ties with this girl. You need to do it. Otherwise, this is just a conversation that ends with no end result. It'll be just talking.

I don't see how berating him over the internet is helping, but that's just me.

 

[Iscariot]

I don't see how berating him over the internet is helping, but that's just me.

Because the tough love he needs to hear is a lot more helpful than people giving bad advice about how he can "save" it by talking to her or giving her an ultimatum or something equally foolish. He responded more positively to Abstract's first post that anyone elses advice, most likely because deep down he knows Abstract was right.

We're not being tough on him because we're getting our rocks off, we're being tough on him because we don't want to see him throw away another five years chasing something that isn't going to happen. You don't get with someone after trying and failing for five years with some advice you got on the internet. If you're lucky, the advice you get will maybe motivate you to get over it and get on with your life.

 

[iBlue]

Don't waste your time and stop being her whipping boy. Attraction is vital and it is either there or it isn't. (it isn't) If she isn't attracted now, she never will be. (not in any real sense) She'll be an emotional vampire to you forever if you let her. I implore you not to let her. That's just the wrong sort of suck, mate.

 

[Agathon]

Because the tough love he needs to hear is a lot more helpful than people giving bad advice about how he can "save" it by talking to her or giving her an ultimatum or something equally foolish.

If he has to hear that, it is more appropriate that it comes from people who know him rather than random strangers on the internet.

In any case, "tough love" is an oxymoron.

 

[roland.g]

She'll be an emotional vampire to you forever if you let her.

That says it all right there. You don't even have a friend, b/c a friend wouldn't actually treat you this way. Everyone else has been right and she has just used you. Cut the ties. No explanation. She'll probably try to re-engage in a couple months or so. Ignore her completely. Don't return calls, texts, emails, or answer her calls. She may or may not get the picture depending on how totally self-absorbed she is.

 

[Agathon]

That says it all right there. You don't even have a friend, b/c a friend wouldn't actually treat you this way.

A female friend that is commitment phobic would. These people have abandonment issues. They deliberately choose men who just want them for sex or for a good time, because any break up is going to be expected and probably won't be a big deal. When someone comes along who they like, and who appears to be interested in a more serious relationship, the response is fear and erratic behaviour. It's not because they don't like you, but often because they are afraid on account of liking you.

Such people deserve our sympathy, not contempt.

 

[pilotError]

Dude, your plan B...

When things aren't going her way and she needs her ego stroked, she comes and finds you. When her confidence returns, your gone...

It doesn't sound like either of you can carry on a friendship, certainly not a healthy one.

Take everyones advice and go find someone who isn't like her. You'll be much better off, and now you know the warning signs.

 

[mgacam2]

You sure that she has commitment issues? Like she hasn't ever had a boyfriend longer then say a month in the entire time that I'v known her and it's not that shes not sought after because many people have liked this girl at one point in time and they are good people. I hear that the only time she has done anything sexual was at university when she was drunk or in front of me like i mentioned before messing around with my friend she met that night. Anyway i just never thought about commitment issues before, and yes all my friends have said it's not me that is the issue but her. Anyone wanna try and explain this better to me.

 

[iBlue]

Please pardon me for being blunt but how much more explanation do you need? She's a bit screwed up and that sucks but it's not your problem. She is not into you and never will be, at least not on any level that could lead to a lasting relationship. She is an emotional drain and will continue to take take take from you as long as you let her. Don't do that.
This is how it appears from the outside. If you think you know something else, great, go with that, but if you want advice from a more simplistic source, you have it. Your move.

 

[roland.g]

I say forget sympathy and contempt and go with complete erasure. Forget about her and get on with it.

 

[Redundancy Pool]

Look man, I'm was in the same situation as you till about a month ago. I knew her since middle school, she had a hard time growing up, parents divorced, mom not working, dad not helping them out, one of the typical crap childhoods. Catch is though she has looks and is fairly smart... none of this is important I'll cut my story short as the details don't really matter. Case is we were very good friends, but she had broken my heart several times, i did so much for her ad she never gave it back, I would rescue her from one bad relationship after another and hey guess where I'm at... Friends Zone!! Wooohoooo. Anyway same exact thing as you, what I found most effective was telling her too **** off no explanation and cutting off contact (at this point in our friendship she basically relied on me even though she didn't know it), it worked out pretty well, I'm doing well, she's doing crappy going from guy to guy and I'm just not compelled to help anymore. Abstract has good advice, of course in my case there was still an ounce of hope in me that she would feel guilty change her ways, but than I thought to myself I gotta stop trying and forget about her, she obviously isn't who I want and isn't going to work out, so I should go get on with my life and get a good girlfriend who cares about me and has some genuine love not corrupt love, which is what I think was the case with me and probably you... corrupt love.

Anyway I'm rambling it's late and I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, take Abstracts advice don't get sucked any farther down into the whirlpool, just get out and swim too shore.

 

[Iscariot]

In any case, "tough love" is an oxymoron.

Nope. But feel free to stay on your internet high horse.

 

[mgacam2]

Yeah, It makes sense, I guess I'm just going to have to cut off. It's getting a bit harder on me now. It wasn't so bad at first but yeah now it's bad. Hurts a bit more.

 

[Iscariot]

Yeah, It makes sense, I guess I'm just going to have to cut off. It's getting a bit harder on me now. It wasn't so bad at first but yeah now it's bad. Hurts a bit more.

They recently released a study of men's (IIRC) responses after break-ups. Turns out it's almost never as bad as they think it's going to be. The more you psyche yourself up, the harder it's going to seem, but once it's done you'll be surprised how quickly you can put the pieces back together.

Good luck.