Sidebar Sidebar
Become a MacRumors Supporter for $50/year with no ads, ability to filter front page stories, and private forums.

Asking a girl to Prom

It's a car crash in slow motion... However, I doubt it will be a fatal one, Henry can't be taught all this word by word, I think he just needs to experience it.

This isn't something you are born with or something you learn from your big bro, it's something you go out and experience and learn from. I wish you the best of luck Henry, just do what feels right and you'll realize if this girl is right for you or not.
 
Abstract said:
I just think that telling her, "You don't need to give me an answer today" was a bit of a mistake
Click to expand...

If this was a sales pitch, that would be the #1 way to lose the sale.

motulist said:
When you talk to her tell her something like "I haven't heard back from you in a few days. I'd prefer to go to the prom with you, but if you don't give me an answer soon then I'm gonna have to go with someone else."
Click to expand...

Personally, I'd break that up into two separate statements.

1. "I haven't heard back from you in a few days. I'd really like to go to the prom with you. Do you want to?"

[If she pauses, or says she'll get back to me, or something that sounds indecisive, but is really just a polite no]

2. "Well, there's someone else I'd like to ask, and I'm running out of time for that, so I'm just going to have to take that as a no." [smile warmly, and shrug shoulders] "Maybe some time later we'll get a chance to go out". [walk away]
 
MarkCollette said:
Personally, I'd break that up into two separate statements.

1. "I haven't heard back from you in a few days. I'd really like to go to the prom with you. Do you want to?"

[If she pauses, or says she'll get back to me, or something that sounds indecisive, but is really just a polite no]

2. "Well, there's someone else I'd like to ask, and I'm running out of time for that, so I'm just going to have to take that as a no." [smile warmly, and shrug shoulders] "Maybe some time later we'll get a chance to go out". [walk away]
Click to expand...

Probably the best advice I've read on this topic so far. It shows complete confidence and let's her know you mean business.
 
you know there's some really experienced guys out here :)

i've also got a question - what conversations do you normally nab about? do you let her speak about herself of you talk about yourself? :D i know for a fact that girls can go on forever over a certain subject...
 
iSamurai said:
you know there's some really experienced guys out here :)
Click to expand...

Well, understand that "experience" consists of screwing up a LOT.

i've also got a question - what conversations do you normally nab about? do you let her speak about herself of you talk about yourself? :D i know for a fact that girls can go on forever over a certain subject...
Click to expand...

Rule of thumb is, ask questions and let the other person talk as much as you possibly can. The soul of being a brilliant conversationalist is remaining engaged while other people talk about themselves. Not just women, but everybody. Going on about yourself unbidden comes across egotistical and shallow. Giving other people permission to go on about themselves indicates you find them interesting. If you can have such a conversation without being bored to tears you've probably struck a good balance and should ask for a second date.

Back to Henry, I've got to agree with the consensus: you're about to gain some of that experience I mentioned up at the top there. Here's the thing you really need to get through your head: you're thinking of yourself as a "nice guy" here, but your actions are not very nice at all. You've lied to your friend to keep him from asking the girl out, and then you've lied to the girl by focusing on "just friends" when that's not what you mean. You're doing a lot of lying to protect your own feelings while at the same time steering people into behaving the way you want them to behave. That isn't nice. It's manipulative.

Listen, Henry, what you're going through right now never, ever gets any easier. We can't tell you anything that will make it so. In fact, in many ways it gets harder as you go on, because the people become more complicated. Try figuring out how and when to approach someone who has recently been through a divorce after several years of an unfulfilling marriage, where "I need more time" likely really means "I need more time." Now that is tricky.

The only thing you can change about the situation is yourself. Being confident in this situation is not about lack of nervousness or uncertainty. It's about acting with integrity despite being nervous and uncertain. Acting in an adult way here means owning up to your own feelings and needs without expecting that other people are obliged to indulge them. Be quick to take responsibility for what you want, but slow to get hurt when things don't turn out in your favor. Sad to say, you are doing exactly the opposite here. You're trying to figure out the right thing to say to game the system so things turn out the way you want them to with minimum risk to yourself. You'll have disappointing results until you figure out not to do that.
 
Just ask her. Is better to approach her when she looks more relaxed and comfortable. You want an easier way? Look confident that she will say yes and always be yourself. Good luck :D
 
your doing a good job henry.
if u havent talked to her today in person, call her let the convo just flow if it starts dying then just remind her and ask her again be calm and confident.
DONT IM!
 
Excellent advice and wonderful observations. Keen advice.

Gelfin said:
Well, understand that "experience" consists of screwing up a LOT.



Rule of thumb is, ask questions and let the other person talk as much as you possibly can. The soul of being a brilliant conversationalist is remaining engaged while other people talk about themselves. Not just women, but everybody. Going on about yourself unbidden comes across egotistical and shallow. Giving other people permission to go on about themselves indicates you find them interesting. If you can have such a conversation without being bored to tears you've probably struck a good balance and should ask for a second date.

Back to Henry, I've got to agree with the consensus: you're about to gain some of that experience I mentioned up at the top there. Here's the thing you really need to get through your head: you're thinking of yourself as a "nice guy" here, but your actions are not very nice at all. You've lied to your friend to keep him from asking the girl out, and then you've lied to the girl by focusing on "just friends" when that's not what you mean. You're doing a lot of lying to protect your own feelings while at the same time steering people into behaving the way you want them to behave. That isn't nice. It's manipulative.

Listen, Henry, what you're going through right now never, ever gets any easier. We can't tell you anything that will make it so. In fact, in many ways it gets harder as you go on, because the people become more complicated. Try figuring out how and when to approach someone who has recently been through a divorce after several years of an unfulfilling marriage, where "I need more time" likely really means "I need more time." Now that is tricky.

The only thing you can change about the situation is yourself. Being confident in this situation is not about lack of nervousness or uncertainty. It's about acting with integrity despite being nervous and uncertain. Acting in an adult way here means owning up to your own feelings and needs without expecting that other people are obliged to indulge them. Be quick to take responsibility for what you want, but slow to get hurt when things don't turn out in your favor. Sad to say, you are doing exactly the opposite here. You're trying to figure out the right thing to say to game the system so things turn out the way you want them to with minimum risk to yourself. You'll have disappointing results until you figure out not to do that.
Click to expand...
 
Gelfin said:
Well, understand that "experience" consists of screwing up a LOT.



Rule of thumb is, ask questions and let the other person talk as much as you possibly can. The soul of being a brilliant conversationalist is remaining engaged while other people talk about themselves. Not just women, but everybody. Going on about yourself unbidden comes across egotistical and shallow. Giving other people permission to go on about themselves indicates you find them interesting. If you can have such a conversation without being bored to tears you've probably struck a good balance and should ask for a second date.

Back to Henry, I've got to agree with the consensus: you're about to gain some of that experience I mentioned up at the top there. Here's the thing you really need to get through your head: you're thinking of yourself as a "nice guy" here, but your actions are not very nice at all. You've lied to your friend to keep him from asking the girl out, and then you've lied to the girl by focusing on "just friends" when that's not what you mean. You're doing a lot of lying to protect your own feelings while at the same time steering people into behaving the way you want them to behave. That isn't nice. It's manipulative.

Listen, Henry, what you're going through right now never, ever gets any easier. We can't tell you anything that will make it so. In fact, in many ways it gets harder as you go on, because the people become more complicated. Try figuring out how and when to approach someone who has recently been through a divorce after several years of an unfulfilling marriage, where "I need more time" likely really means "I need more time." Now that is tricky.

The only thing you can change about the situation is yourself. Being confident in this situation is not about lack of nervousness or uncertainty. It's about acting with integrity despite being nervous and uncertain. Acting in an adult way here means owning up to your own feelings and needs without expecting that other people are obliged to indulge them. Be quick to take responsibility for what you want, but slow to get hurt when things don't turn out in your favor. Sad to say, you are doing exactly the opposite here. You're trying to figure out the right thing to say to game the system so things turn out the way you want them to with minimum risk to yourself. You'll have disappointing results until you figure out not to do that.
Click to expand...


Wow.
I'm never going to forget that.
 
Gelfin said:
Well, understand that "experience" consists of screwing up a LOT.



Rule of thumb is, ask questions and let the other person talk as much as you possibly can. The soul of being a brilliant conversationalist is remaining engaged while other people talk about themselves. Not just women, but everybody. Going on about yourself unbidden comes across egotistical and shallow. Giving other people permission to go on about themselves indicates you find them interesting. If you can have such a conversation without being bored to tears you've probably struck a good balance and should ask for a second date.

Back to Henry, I've got to agree with the consensus: you're about to gain some of that experience I mentioned up at the top there. Here's the thing you really need to get through your head: you're thinking of yourself as a "nice guy" here, but your actions are not very nice at all. You've lied to your friend to keep him from asking the girl out, and then you've lied to the girl by focusing on "just friends" when that's not what you mean. You're doing a lot of lying to protect your own feelings while at the same time steering people into behaving the way you want them to behave. That isn't nice. It's manipulative.

Listen, Henry, what you're going through right now never, ever gets any easier. We can't tell you anything that will make it so. In fact, in many ways it gets harder as you go on, because the people become more complicated. Try figuring out how and when to approach someone who has recently been through a divorce after several years of an unfulfilling marriage, where "I need more time" likely really means "I need more time." Now that is tricky.

The only thing you can change about the situation is yourself. Being confident in this situation is not about lack of nervousness or uncertainty. It's about acting with integrity despite being nervous and uncertain. Acting in an adult way here means owning up to your own feelings and needs without expecting that other people are obliged to indulge them. Be quick to take responsibility for what you want, but slow to get hurt when things don't turn out in your favor. Sad to say, you are doing exactly the opposite here. You're trying to figure out the right thing to say to game the system so things turn out the way you want them to with minimum risk to yourself. You'll have disappointing results until you figure out not to do that.
Click to expand...

I have a few guys that I need you to have a talk with. :D
 
Gelfin said:
Well, understand that "experience" consists of screwing up a LOT.



Rule of thumb is, ask questions and let the other person talk as much as you possibly can. The soul of being a brilliant conversationalist is remaining engaged while other people talk about themselves. Not just women, but everybody. Going on about yourself unbidden comes across egotistical and shallow. Giving other people permission to go on about themselves indicates you find them interesting. If you can have such a conversation without being bored to tears you've probably struck a good balance and should ask for a second date.

Back to Henry, I've got to agree with the consensus: you're about to gain some of that experience I mentioned up at the top there. Here's the thing you really need to get through your head: you're thinking of yourself as a "nice guy" here, but your actions are not very nice at all. You've lied to your friend to keep him from asking the girl out, and then you've lied to the girl by focusing on "just friends" when that's not what you mean. You're doing a lot of lying to protect your own feelings while at the same time steering people into behaving the way you want them to behave. That isn't nice. It's manipulative.

Listen, Henry, what you're going through right now never, ever gets any easier. We can't tell you anything that will make it so. In fact, in many ways it gets harder as you go on, because the people become more complicated. Try figuring out how and when to approach someone who has recently been through a divorce after several years of an unfulfilling marriage, where "I need more time" likely really means "I need more time." Now that is tricky.

The only thing you can change about the situation is yourself. Being confident in this situation is not about lack of nervousness or uncertainty. It's about acting with integrity despite being nervous and uncertain. Acting in an adult way here means owning up to your own feelings and needs without expecting that other people are obliged to indulge them. Be quick to take responsibility for what you want, but slow to get hurt when things don't turn out in your favor. Sad to say, you are doing exactly the opposite here. You're trying to figure out the right thing to say to game the system so things turn out the way you want them to with minimum risk to yourself. You'll have disappointing results until you figure out not to do that.
Click to expand...

Damn.
you're like a life coach
 
I'm going to have to agree with some of the others on here in that Henry isn't going to fully understand what we're telling him until he's lived through rejection. The advice given just isn't going to make any sense to him until he can relate to it.

That aside, the one thing I am going to say is this:

Henry, no matter what it is that you want, you need to make it known. In the case of this girl, you quite clearly want to date her. The problem is that you've been sending the wrong signals. Think of it as looking into the mirror. When you send out a projection of yourself that projection is reflected back to you. However, if you start projecting something that isn't you, the reflection will not reflect what you feel or believe yourself to be. That's why it's important that you don't lie. When you tell her "just friends," you're lying to her and yourself by sending out this false image of what it is that's going on in your head. Then when you told her she could think about it, subconsiously you're telling her that it wasn't very important to you and in turn that it isn't important to her. I still think you have a chance, buddy, but time is running out. At the very least get an answer from her (not from email or instant messaging either, it may be easier to ask, but it's also easier for her to reject you if that's what she's thinking), otherwise you'll be left in limbo wondering where you stand in your friendship with her. If you just be yourself and project yourself well, you'll be fine no matter what happens. Good luck.

As a side note to everyone reading, I think a good sales job would do wonders for our friend here.
 
It's prom.

'Nuff said.

Wait until you get to university before you start taking relationships seriously. Just relax, be confident, and have fun that night, even if you don't go with this girl. The more you obsess over it, the more disappointed you'll be if you don't manage to get her to go with you. So just take it easy. In the grand scope of things, it's not a big deal.
 
Don't listen to men, they know nothing about being a woman. I am a young woman! I've been to two proms, and I'm going again this year.

Do not be so freaking afraid to ask her to prom.
The worst she can do is say no! The best she can say is yes!


Just be cool about it. MAke her a card and slip it in her locker that says "PROM?" with your signature, or something creative like that. Then when you see her later after school, ask about it. Think of your own thing.
Oh, and as far as the friend goes, he can get over it. Either (a) she'll go with him and nothing will happen, or (b) she'll go with him and fall in love with him [haha not likely...] or (c) she'll say no and say yes to you, or (d) say no to you and no to him. So ask her before your friend does!

Besides, if all goes well, try asking her out on a date. Be like, "hey, I had fun, we should do this again... what about some time next weekend? bowling with some friends, maybe?"

that would work especially well if (a) you both suck at bowling [if a girl says 'oh i suck at bowling' ALWAYS SAY 'oh yeah me too! it'll be fun!'] (b) you guys have a few friends in common. if not, tell her to invite some of HER friends so she'll be more comfortable.
 
So Henry, what's the latest? You've got us all interested in your life, and we need an update! I hope all went well, and if so we'd all like to congratulate you on your success, and if things didn't work out as you hoped, then we'd all commiserate with you.
 
xodonniedarko said:
Don't listen to men, they know nothing about being a woman. I am a young woman! I've been to two proms, and I'm going again this year.

Do not be so freaking afraid to ask her to prom.
The worst she can do is say no! The best she can say is yes!


Just be cool about it. MAke her a card and slip it in her locker that says "PROM?" with your signature, or something creative like that. Then when you see her later after school, ask about it. Think of your own thing.
Oh, and as far as the friend goes, he can get over it. Either (a) she'll go with him and nothing will happen, or (b) she'll go with him and fall in love with him [haha not likely...] or (c) she'll say no and say yes to you, or (d) say no to you and no to him. So ask her before your friend does!

Besides, if all goes well, try asking her out on a date. Be like, "hey, I had fun, we should do this again... what about some time next weekend? bowling with some friends, maybe?"

that would work especially well if (a) you both suck at bowling [if a girl says 'oh i suck at bowling' ALWAYS SAY 'oh yeah me too! it'll be fun!'] (b) you guys have a few friends in common. if not, tell her to invite some of HER friends so she'll be more comfortable.
Click to expand...

Sounds like excellent advice from someone with some CURRENT experience with this!

Some of the other posters are reading WAY to much into this. Asking someone to the Prom shouldn't be something that is psychoanalyzed to death. Same for his dealing with his friend. He is in High School for goodness sake. He has PLENTY of time to learn these "Grown up" life lessons for himself.

Right now he should try to enjoy this wonderful time in his life, and try not to worry about this so much. I know that is probably impossible for him, but that's my advice...
 
HenryTheGood said:
who is Ghall?
Click to expand...

That would be me! :)

iDAG said:
I'm in high school, but I'm only a sophomore and so is my girlfriend so I can't really help you. I do know of someone named ghall on this forum that has had many problems like this before so maybe he could help you in some way. :) I'm kinda surprised that he hasn't replied to this thread yet! :eek:
Click to expand...

Sorry, I've got nothing. Do you think someone who turns to a forum full of nerds for dating advice has anything to offer? :p

Actually, the only reason I saw this thread was because of my periodic search of my user name. I like seeing who's talking about me. :)

Between school and my girlfriend I haven't been quite as active on these forums as I used to be.

EDIT: OMG, my post average has fallen below 4.9! :eek:
 
ghall said:
That would be me! :)



Sorry, I've got nothing. Do you think someone who turns to a forum full of nerds for dating advice has anything to offer? :p

Actually, the only reason I saw this thread was because of my periodic search of my user name. I like seeing who's talking about me. :)

Between school and my girlfriend I haven't been quite as active on these forums as I used to be.

EDIT: OMG, my post average has fallen below 4.9! :eek:
Click to expand...

Work on it then. Mine's larger than yours! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! :cool:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Register on MacRumors! This sidebar will go away, and you'll see fewer ads.
Top Bottom
Back