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Broke with my girlfriend

LordQ

LordQ

Suspended
Original poster
Sep 22, 2012
3,582
5,653
Hi guys-

As the title, I broke up with my best friend, my lover; my girlfriend, we had a two-years relationship. We were going to live together in a year and we were planning to get married by 2018. I am completely devastated, I like to blame myself because my sister says that I refuse to see that she had mistakes too. We were having problems (like everyone does) but most times (after a fight) we would overcome them...

She lives in another city but we made FaceTime calls every Sunday and talk ALL DAY on the phone or WhatsApp... The times we saw each other physically, they were beautiful memories. We spent a month in a cabin in a beautiful city, she was with me when my grandma died, at my college prom, when I got my first job and many milestones of my life. I spent a week with her and her family and everything just seemed to be perfect.

Lately she was saying that I was not for there, that she felt alone and that I never notice... And saturday night she was behaving very weird since morning and she kept being online on WhatsApp but never talking to me. I was very upset so I said we should then talk later. I had a party at my dad's girlfriend place and we didn't talk all day. At night I sent her a "I love you" text and she just replied "..." "me too" and we started fighting because I'm not there for her... And everything just fell to a very strong verbal fight, swearings and both saying things we would never say to each other.

I am completely lost, that was not me but she swore that I would never see her again... Now she blocked me from iMessage, WhatsApp and won't answer my calls... I just want to apologize and try to rescue this (again)... But my sister and my friends tell me that it's just not worhth anymore, too much fights and stuff.

I really need some advise from anyone on what to do, I've been crying like a little bitch, I haven't eaten since, I don't want to go to the gym or play Smash Bros (my two most favourite activities). I just want to have a car crash and end this pain.
 
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For future reference, the person with the least interest in a relationship controls it. It feels like crap, but it will get better. Just don't become a hanger-oner or a stalker. Move on with your life. Another fish will swim buy. :)
 
Two years is very, very short for a relationship.

Have a few beers and a cigar.
 
ravenvii said:
1) long-distance relationships don't work.
2) the old adage that you probably hate to hear, but hear anyway: this, too, shall pass.
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's what everybody think but we were really commited to prove everyone wrong... And we were doing a great job. I booked a trip to the beach one week just next month...

This is my first serious relationship and my second girlfriend, I only lasted two months with my first one so yeah, I feel very, very disappointed, sad, powerless, frustrated and all that. She made me grow in a lot of aspects and it's hard to just try and let go someone whom you spent nice things and had very serious future plans.
 
CarlosQG said:
Yeah, that's what everybody think but we were really commited to prove everyone wrong... And we were doing a great job. I booked a trip to the beach one week just next month...

This is my first serious relationship and my second girlfriend, I only lasted two months with my first one so yeah, I feel very, very disappointed, sad, powerless, frustrated and all that. She made me grow in a lot of aspects and it's hard to just try and let go someone whom you spent nice things and had very serious future plans.
Click to expand...
How old are you?
 
ravenvii said:
1) long-distance relationships don't work.
Click to expand...

On the contrary. They do work, but you have to put in the time, and most importantly, the commitment to make it work.

My wife and I were a long distance relationship. We made it work, to the tune of me moving up to be with her, and having 2 children.

This is notwithstanding the fact that I had been in a much longer distance relationship 8 years before that, and that was between Nebraska and Melbourne, Australia, and that was back in the days of the more text-based Internet, as browsers were just coming into existence (1994-1996).

They take time, and you must commit to them as much as you would to a marriage. It makes you appreciate the significant other much more, as well as value the time you have, because you don't know how much of that time you would have.

When that relationship fell apart, I would say that I came out of it the better, as I then knew what and how much I would need to do to be in a long, sustaining relationship (read: marriage).

So to say that they never work is absolute bollocks; it takes perspective, and some looking inside yourself to know if you have what it takes to make it work. If you don't, then it isn't for you.

BL.
 
CarlosQG said:
... But my sister and my friends tell me that it's just not worhth anymore, too much fights and stuff. ...
Click to expand...

My advice: don't fight with the woman that you love. If you find you are fighting, bickering, pushing buttons, etc., then it's not a sustainable relationship.

You'll get through it. You're experiencing the hardest part right now.

But use this opportunity to learn more about yourself, and try to discover a way to endure difficulties in a relationship without resorting to fighting.
 
Sorry to hear things haven't worked out. I know your pain. If it weren't for my last breakup, I woundnt be with the amazing girl I am with now. Being upset is a completely normal reaction, so embrace it. Some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how much effort or desire you have. You cannot change anyone else, you can only change yourself. Accept the things you cannot change. Life goes on and there's a big world out there. Who knows what's waiting around the corner. Being upset and depressed sucks, but it's not permanent. The devastation may feel like the end of the world, but it's not.

Although 2 years is not exactly a long time, it doesn't mean you cannot have a valuable relationship. Better it happen now though than years down the road, with a wife, kids, family, etc.

Try and go out and have some responsible fun. Best of luck bud :)
 
Carlos,

When a woman starts to behave weird, especially in a long distance relationship, it is always an alarming sign.
When a woman provokes a quarrel, especially in a long distance relationship, it is more than alarming.
When a woman can immediately and completely shut the door on you after a quarrel, especially in a long distance relationship, it is alarming and unequivocal.

You have two choices:

1. (The best one) Leave her alone. Live your life.
2. (The worst one) Visit her.

With both scenarios you can solve the problem for good.

Good luck, m8.
 
CarlosQG said:
We were having problems (like everyone does) but most times (after a fight) we would overcome them...
Click to expand...

First, sorry, I know it hurts.

I did want to comment on the quote above. I'd say, yes, relationships are complex, life can sometimes be tough, but "having problems" (that culminates in a fight) sounds like continuous, ongoing difficulties. That doesn't sound like the foundation for a long term commitment that involves marriage.
 
Thanks for your support, guys, I really really appreciate it. I know I must go on but the memories just keep popping up and I go back to feel alone and unprotected again, it's just so hard to accept that the person you loved the most is just gone, whom you swore to protect... And failed to protect from yourself. Oh, God, I feel so stupid and worthless and I just can't picture myself with someone else.
 
I'm going to give it to you straight.....

She found someone else and has been dating that person for months before she dumped you. When a women says " you were not there for her..." What she is saying is, " I found someone else WHO IS THERE for me every night".
Move on as there is nothing you can do at this point and will only make you look weak if you beg or contact her.
Women DO THAT - they already start another relationshiop before they let go of the one they are in. Because she has been seeing this other person for months, you can never ever break the bons she has created with thi snew pers. Operative word being NEW. New is always betterthan old. You are yeaterdays news, in other words been tghere done that.
I never sugar coat things, just say it like it is. If it helps, I've been through this several times. The last long distance relationship ended when she kept telling me how much fune we had at the wedding in Phoenix. I let her go on and on about how great it was, then I told her I've never been to Phoenix and slowely hung up the phone.
 
CarlosQG said:
Thanks for your support, guys, I really really appreciate it. I know I must go on but the memories just keep popping up and I go back to feel alone and unprotected again, it's just so hard to accept that the person you loved the most is just gone, whom you swore to protect... And failed to protect from yourself. Oh, God, I feel so stupid and worthless and I just can't picture myself with someone else.
Click to expand...

Try and see what you have learned from the relationship and its downfall. Don't feel guilty that you did something wrong, no one is perfect and relationships are a two way street. You may have done everything as humanly right as possible, but sometimes that is not enough. Like anything in life can do everything perfect and to the best of your ability and still not get the results you want. Your ex is a person too, free to have her own thoughts, feelings, correct or not.

You're not stupid or worthless. Don't let one person and their opinions dictate your identity and self esteem. You sound like a good guy with the best of intentions. Your devotion and loyalty is a characteristic many people lack. Eventually, when the time is right, things will work out. It may not be her, but there are a lot of great people in this world.

About 4 months ago broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years. Most people are married after 6 years! They went to med school together, survived the stress together, interned together, he was by her side through her a (minor) cancer episode (thank god), the unexpected death of my brother, the death of their young friends, his parents divorce, his his sisters mental health problems, etc. They eventually chose residencies on opposite sides of the U.S. and kept the relationship going for a while... Until he decided to move on. She got one 2 minute break up phone call and that was the last she ever heard from him. Obviously it was a very devastating experience, especially considering all they had been through- I'd say much more than the average couple in their 20's. It took a few months to get over it, but she got back out there and now has a new boyfriend. It's not easy, but eventually you will have to stop wallowing in pity and get back out into the world. Obviously you're not there yet, as this sounds recent, but not to sound cliched, it will get better.
 
CarlosQG said:
Thanks for your support, guys, I really really appreciate it. I know I must go on but the memories just keep popping up and I go back to feel alone and unprotected again, it's just so hard to accept that the person you loved the most is just gone, whom you swore to protect... And failed to protect from yourself. Oh, God, I feel so stupid and worthless and I just can't picture myself with someone else.
Click to expand...
Save the melodramatic gibberish!

Listen to what everyone told you. Stay the **** away from women under 45.
Problem solved.
 
Meister said:
Save the melodramatic gibberish!

Listen to what everyone told you. Stay the **** away from women under 45.
Problem solved.
Click to expand...

How does that help?

Don't worry, OP. You genuinely will be fine. Things have a habit of working out fir the best. Just try not to relax and don't overthink.
 
Carlos - I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes our family and friends see things we don't. Perhaps you should try to let the dust settle a bit. I've found a therapist helped me through some trying times. It might be a consideration.

A. Goldberg suggested to engage in some heathy activities. I second that. Find something positive to concentrate on. Someone once described life as being like a glass of water. Every time something bad happens it's like a little ink was added to it. Over time the water becomes very cloudy. Unfortunately we can never really remove that ink. But what we can do instead is to add more water to our glass in the form of positive life enriching activities. Reading, learning a musical instrument, exercise, etc. The more positive experiences we add to our life the more interesting, confident, and maybe the more adjusted we become.
 
I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions guys. It's very hard because the fault was mine, I should've never said those hateful things and now it's over. The best thing that ever happened to me is over.
 
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