Can you forgive someone for cheating on you?

[iJohnHenry]

Well sure, everyone one loves to be the cuckold.

Lot's of amusement for everyone, and you wondering WTH is going on with all the snickering.

Don't think so. Sorry.

 

[Gray-Wolf]

I think everyone's definition of cheating is different. Having a relationship with someone other than the person you've built a home and a life with is cheating in my book. Sex? Not so much... but that said, I don't think I could deal with knowing. What you don't know...

The NOT knowing, could cost you a lot. If your spouse cheated with someone with aids, you could pick up a death sentence because of someone else.

 

[dllavaneras]

Forgive? Maybe.
Take back? Not in a million years. Cheating is a breach of trust, it's betrayal, it's deception and it just proves the other person isn't taking you seriously as a couple. Ergo, there is no reason at all why you should still be with that person. There are a lot of other people that are willing to have a real, committed relationship with you, you don't need to get hung up on that one cheating liar.

 

[Prof.]

Forgive? Maybe.
Take back? Not in a million years. Cheating is a breach of trust, it's betrayal, it's deception and it just proves the other person isn't taking you seriously as a couple. Ergo, there is no reason at all why you should still be with that person. There are a lot of other people that are willing to have a real, committed relationship with you, you don't need to get hung up on that one cheating liar.

I think dllavaneras summed it up perfectly. I agree 110%.

 

[skunk]

I see the Green-Eyed Monster has a lot of life in him yet. The Lord Thy God Is A Jealous God.

 

[sushi]

Forgive? Maybe.
Take back? Not in a million years. Cheating is a breach of trust, it's betrayal, it's deception and it just proves the other person isn't taking you seriously as a couple. Ergo, there is no reason at all why you should still be with that person. There are a lot of other people that are willing to have a real, committed relationship with you, you don't need to get hung up on that one cheating liar.

Well put.

I see the Green-Eyed Monster has a lot of life in him yet. The Lord Thy God Is A Jealous God.

You don't seem to get it.

It has nothing to do about jealousy.

It has to do with integrity and respecting your partner.

 

[iJohnHenry]

Perhaps skunk is more in line with the "ownership" crowd??

It's starting to sound like it.

 

[DiamondMac]

Nope. I have only spoken to my ex-girlfriend two times since I found out she had cheated on me and that was after we had gone out for a year and a half

I want nothing to do with anyone who would ever do that to me

Worst part, she wouldn't have told me if I hadn't had a friend see her with another guy

 

[skunk]

Perhaps skunk is more in line with the "ownership" crowd??

It's starting to sound like it.

Perhaps you should address your oblique comments to me. I have no idea what you are referring to anyway.

 

[ipodtouchy333]

Silly calculus. The third party has no say! We go out, find them and drag them back home, where they are tied to the bed post and forced to do our bidding! It's only when we become bored that they are permitted to leave. By that time, they don't want to! [/QUOTE

Woah. This thread is really getting quite interesting..........I don't come in these part of the forums much.

 

[0098386]

I don't come in these part of the forums much.

Clearly!

 

[dllavaneras]

I have no idea what you are referring to anyway.

Neither do I, I don't recall any discussion of ownership before.

 

[leekohler]

Silly calculus. The third party has no say! We go out, find them and drag them back home, where they are tied to the bed post and forced to do our bidding! It's only when we become bored that they are permitted to leave. By that time, they don't want to! [/QUOTE

Woah. This thread is really getting quite interesting..........I don't come in these part of the forums much.

What's life without a little spontaneity?

 

[JurgenWigg]

speaking as someone who has been cheated on, and who has cheated on, cheating isn't a problem in itself.

People do not just go out and cheat on their significant other just because an opportunity presents itself. Infidelity is a symptom of a larger problem within the relationship, whether it's like dllavaneras said, or if it's any number of problems.

When i found out my girlfriend cheated on me, yeah, i was pissed off. I told her that i needed some time away from her to go and think things over and clear my head, but when it came down to it, i asked her if she even still wanted to be with me, what she thought was wrong with our relationship, etc, and if she still wanted to be together that we would work at it. I had the benefit of experience on the other side of this conversation.

Anyway, we ended up staying together and trying to make things work for another two months before ending things mutually.

I think the real problem is when your significant other doesn't respect you enough to tell you that they've cheated on you. That's when I don't think that i could forgive or take back.

 

[Lord Blackadder]

Indeed. A similar rating on the judgment-o-meter.
To the chair with them!

I think you are being as judgmental as anyone here, no? Everyone has a different view on what fidelity means and how critical it is to a relationship. There is no hard and fast rule and no wrong answers, provided both partners are happy with the relationship and neither partner is being abused. Your concept is no more or less correct than anyone else's.

One of my colleagues is a swinger. He and his current girlfriend are very open about it and ended up doing "swaps" and foursomes and so forth with a few other couples. I have no interest in that myself but it works for them and that's all that really matters.

Personally, if my significant other admitted to cheating on me my knee-jerk reaction would be to forgive her and move on, but I'm fairly sure I would not be able to deal with it over the long term and the right move would be to end the relationship. Call it conservativism/uptightness or whatever you want, but rule number one about relationships is being completely honest with yourself and partner about how you feel - anything less is a kind of betrayal itself. If by being honest the relationship becomes unworkable it's a clue that it was never going to be healthy anyway.

 

[dllavaneras]

I think the real problem is when your significant other doesn't respect you enough to tell you that they've cheated on you.

So as long as they tell you they're cheating on you, it's ok?

 

[JurgenWigg]

So as long as they tell you they're cheating on you, it's ok?

Like i said, cheating isn't a problem in itself. People don't just cheat because some other person is hot and/or coming onto them and they're weak willed. Cheating is a symptom that something is wrong in a relationship that they aren't interested enough to stay in it.

I think personally if they respect you enough to come and talk about it, if they're mature and responsible enough to say hey, i screwed up, then yeah, it shows that there's a lot that needs to be fixed in the relationship but at least they're acknowledging that something's wrong.

If someone is messing around behind your back, they clearly don't respect you and don't think that it matters. In that situation, there's nothing to build on, you can't move past that.

So yeah, i wouldn't say it's "ok", but if they're talking to me about it, they know it's a mistake, i'm not going to hold a grudge against someone who's willing to change. Especially because i've been in that same situation.

 

[rican]

No.

Agreed.. Why would you be with someone who gave themselves away to someone else- that is disrespect...


Never would I go back & you shouldn't either. if that was the case.

 

[Nicolecat]

Never. Infact, I could never look at my husband the same way.

I would also never want to be ignorant to him cheating either...I would rather know, so we could end our relationship than live a lie.


Edit: as much as it would hurt knowing.

 

[skunk]

I think you are being as judgmental as anyone here, no?

I am not being judgmental, simply noting how many people seem to be trigger-happy. I tend to take a slightly more relaxed view, myself.

 

[Mord]

Many people seem to like to point out how every group/couple in a poly/open relationship they've ever known has ended in failure, personally I find this hugely unfair seeing as *most* relationships end in failure given that regular monogamous relationships are more common it's forgivable to assume that there's a trend of failure when it is in fact a statistical illusion.

I've had more than a couple almost snear at my relationship and state that such things never last, it's frankly insulting and hurtful. I've been in my current relationship over year now and we've only got closer and more in love in that time.

 

[Lord Blackadder]

I am not being judgmental, simply noting how many people seem to be trigger-happy.

I'd call that a judgment. Ending a relationship because a partner cheated might be trigger-happy for you, but not for others. Only you and your partner can decide what works...and if it works, that's all that matters.

 

[Nicolecat]

I do want to note...

I think it should be brought up how both parties feel at the beginning of the relationship. Knowing the upfront circumstances, and agreeing to them would make it less of a "trigger happy" event.

 

[j26]

I tried to, once years ago.

It didn't work out - it's a very hard thing to get over.

 

[Lord Blackadder]

I think it should be brought up how both parties feel at the beginning of the relationship. Knowing the upfront circumstances, and agreeing to them would make it less of a "trigger happy" event.

I think this is totally necessary for a healthy relationship. If one person has a relaxed view about "cheating" or whatever you term it, and the other person does not, it is likely to be a problem. If that comes out early on, the people involved can decide whether they are comfortable with the other person's approach before anything troublesome happens.