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Do you check your teen's messages?
- Thread starter theapplefanboyj
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I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to the question, because kids vary so widely in temperament and maturity level.
My own feelings are mixed on this, because when I was a kid back in the Stone Age, I'd disappear for the day with my friends. My parents often didn't know where I was or what my friends and I did or said. The only rules were: Don't break the law and Be home for dinner (or else the dog gets your plate and you fend for yourself that night). I had a wide degree of freedom, but it was also made clear that I had to be responsible.
If a parent provides mobile phone privileges to a child, I do think the parent has every right to examine messages on that device. Whether they should examine those messages it depends.
And people wonder why kids grow up to be adults with trust issues. Not saying you are a bad parent but when you use words like "right" to live under our roof, be fed and other garbage like that, like your kid is some kind of piece of property and not a human being it makes me wonder sometimes.
I trust that my kid is not doing anything illegal or inappropriate. I have talked with him many times about personal responsibility and consequences. I don not feel the need to treat him like a subordinate worker with you have a right to do this or that. My job as a parent is to help them grow to be a responsible adult, to treat people how they would like to be treated.
And I will end the inevitable tongue lashing by saying you raise your kid how you see fit and I will raise mine. So far mine is turning out to be a wonderful adult.
you sir, are the right kind of parent
No, we just do the best we can. We had crappy parents and we try to treat our kid with more respect than we got. And that's just it, respect, we want our kids to respect us as parents and adults but we in large do nothing to show our kids that we have respect for them.
There is a line between teaching our kids and just being a dictator who feels that we have all the control over our minions..
This is called good parenting.
Once there were these kids at my son's school who bullied him so once I knew it I helped him. How did I know? Because from time to time I check his e-mails. Why do I check his e-mails? Because I care. I don't hide when I check, he knows it and he trusts me enough to know this is for his own good. Most of the time I have nothing to say, I want to know the people that are in his life and to make sure that his activities online are safe. He asked my wife and to have his own Facebook account. We know that we can trust him so we said yes, provided that my wife is one of his "friends". He is a great kid, very responsible and mature but he's a kid and we have to protect him even if sometimes it annoyes him.
This is called good parenting.
Once there were these kids at my son's school who bullied him so once I knew it I helped him. How did I know? Because from time to time I check his e-mails. Why do I check his e-mails? Because I care. I don't hide when I check, he knows it and he trusts me enough to know this is for his own good. Most of the time I have nothing to say, I want to know the people that are in his life and to make sure that his activities online are safe. He asked my wife and to have his own Facebook account. We know that we can trust him so we said yes, provided that my wife is one of his "friends". He is a great kid, very responsible and mature but he's a kid and we have to protect him even if sometimes it annoyes him.
This is called good parenting.
They do? Says who? What authority entitled them? Not the law. Parents are still the legal guardians.
Ah such is the 'entitlement era', the 'entitlement class'.
I'm still a teen right now. Almost an adult, though.
My parents have never gone through my iPod, iPad, or MacBook. They trust me to be mature, and not do anything inappropriate/illegal, but do advise me to prioritise on what they believe to be more important (school).
My parents have never gone through my iPod, iPad, or MacBook. They trust me to be mature, and not do anything inappropriate/illegal, but do advise me to prioritise on what they believe to be more important (school).
Don't believe this has anything to do with being entitled to anything. I do believe this has to do with trust and a bit of respect and giving space for growth while being in a stable protective environment.
A dishonest teen can get away with a lot.
Kids that KNOW their parents are looking at their phones can easily delete messages or entire threads before their parent takes it. Parents that think they are going to catch their kids doing something are only fooling themselves.
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I believe it was the way the poster responded that prompted the "entitlement" statement. Something about this not being 1950, yadda, yadda. Sure sounded like something an entitled little brat would say to me!
If my kid talked to me like that the simple answer on my end would be "You're right! This is not 1950! I will also be taking that phone I bought away from you now! " It may not be 1950, but I also don't have to buy my kid an iPhone and pay for his service despite the fact that it's 2014.
Kids that KNOW their parents are looking at their phones can easily delete messages or entire threads before their parent takes it. Parents that think they are going to catch their kids doing something are only fooling themselves.
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I believe it was the way the poster responded that prompted the "entitlement" statement. Something about this not being 1950, yadda, yadda. Sure sounded like something an entitled little brat would say to me!
If my kid talked to me like that the simple answer on my end would be "You're right! This is not 1950! I will also be taking that phone I bought away from you now!
" It may not be 1950, but I also don't have to buy my kid an iPhone and pay for his service despite the fact that it's 2014.
Do you check your teen's messages?
My parents go through my phone occasionally. It's super annoying and I quickly delete my messages.
It's an invasion of privacy.
My parents go through my phone occasionally. It's super annoying and I quickly delete my messages.
It's an invasion of privacy.
A dishonest teen can get away with a lot.
Kids that KNOW their parents are looking at their phones can easily delete messages or entire threads before their parent takes it. Parents that think they are going to catch their kids doing something are only fooling themselves.
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I believe it was the way the poster responded that prompted the "entitlement" statement. Something about this not being 1950, yadda, yadda. Sure sounded like something an entitled little brat would say to me!
If my kid talked to me like that the simple answer on my end would be "You're right! This is not 1950! I will also be taking that phone I bought away from you now!
And what if the aforementioned kid worked for his phone and bought it with his own money, then proceeded to pay for the service through work?
When I was in 9th grade, someone read out a massed sent text, from another student about another student to our class and the teacher. It basically was a huge vulgar rant about the said student and that people needed to not be their friend.
When a teenager has an attitude like that towards another teenager, and sends out a message like that to other teenagers, that is something that needs to be addressed. Whether they sent it, or received it. It's disgusting behavior.
There is no privacy whatsoever when something like that is texted to a group of people.
How does conferring a child basic human rights make that child sound like some piece of property?
You're absolutely right. I should not have said property. Now prisoner on the other hand, more fitting don't you think, seeing how they to are given "basic human rights".
I'm not going to get into a pissing match here. Like I said, you parent how you see fit and I'll do the same..
This. My parents trusted me in high school because they knew my friends and their parents and what I was doing at any given moment. My friends came over a lot so my parents knew we weren't drinking or doing drugs. My mom would only check my Facebook when I forgot to logout. I didn't have anything to hide other than spending a lot of time on it.
Then I went away to college, and my social media and messaging services weren't so easily accessible. My mom based my usage based on when I appeared on Facebook chat. I use multiple tabs, so Facebook is usually open even if I'm not actively using it. I had to turn it off on my phone because it looked like I was on 24/7.
As I said before, I can't argue that my parents have the right to check on me since they still support me at almost 23. But I know how to manage privacy settings and create complicated passwords.
I look at kids today and see them using apps like Snapchat and others where it disappears as soon as it's read or sent. No wonder these apps are successful with teens if so many of their parents check on them.
I think my philosophy as a parent will be to let my kids be unless I have reason to not trust them. I hope that if there's a problem, they'll tell me. I will meet their friends and their friends' parents though. And I will always want to know where they are and when they'll be home. But what they talk about with their friends isn't my business unless it needs to be. My parents didn't invade my privacy like that, and I don't need to do so with my future kids.
I think they are. You cannot control a teenager, they'll do as they please. If your teenager isn't doing nothing wrong, why are you showing him/her that they cannot be trusted? That's real cool parenting. From what I've seen growing up, the kids who had strict parents would do drugs as soon as they turned their backs, unless your kid is home schooled and never sets foot out of the house, you can't control how they're acting, who they're hanging out with, etc.
Parents that check their kids facebook messages and stuff are hilarious. Every kid on earth knows how to delete messages and internet history.
Although I'm not a teenager anymore, my parents used to do that a lot. It was so annoying! Yes they paid for my bill and luckily my phone had a feature where you could hide certain text messages in a folder and put a pass code on it. Fortunately my parents didn't know about that feature so I was okay. Now I pay for my own phone and bill and they can't search for anything.
You may almost be a man but your post shows you are not mature. As long as you have apron strings around you then you are not fully independent. The adult thing to do is discuss your concerns with her.
Yeah, discuss with her but she's probably not gonna wanna hear a thing so tell her if she doesn't stop, you'll start doing meth
If I had kids, I'd respect their privacy, and monitor their whereabouts. I want to be one of those cool parents, and not some nosy parent prying into their privacy.
Our daughter is almost 16 and there's no way in hell we'd ever even consider checking her phone - as far as we're concerned she is entitled to respect and privacy.
We have always tried to treat her like an adult and she has responded by behaving in a mature and trustworthy manner: Routinely checking her private property would destroy the trust we've built up between us over the years and would do far more harm than good. I would even go as far as to say it could almost encourage deceitful behaviour (as others have said, kids can easily hide / delete things anyway and they're more likely to do this if they think their parent is going to be invading their privacy and checking their phone).
We have always tried to treat her like an adult and she has responded by behaving in a mature and trustworthy manner: Routinely checking her private property would destroy the trust we've built up between us over the years and would do far more harm than good. I would even go as far as to say it could almost encourage deceitful behaviour (as others have said, kids can easily hide / delete things anyway and they're more likely to do this if they think their parent is going to be invading their privacy and checking their phone).
Your parents are doing it wrong. This is telling their children it's okay to disregard respect and invade someone else's privacy. Not exactly how you want to educate the young.
Being a responsible parent means sometimes you check messages, etc etc etc if you suspect somethings up. I was a teenager now I'm a parent. If I suspect that somethings up, I have every right to check text messages, emails etc. When you're 18 you can do as you like. That includes moving out living however you like, and paying for your own phone and cell phone bill etc etc.
To all the teenagers out there who say,"Life is unfair, blah blah blah." Just wait till you get a dose of reality and have to work for a living, and fend for yourself.
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So if you suspected that your daughter was doing coke, and acting strangely you'd never check her phone?
To all the teenagers out there who say,"Life is unfair, blah blah blah." Just wait till you get a dose of reality and have to work for a living, and fend for yourself.
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So if you suspected that your daughter was doing coke, and acting strangely you'd never check her phone?
If she was acting strangely, I'd sit down and talk with her - I certainly wouldn't spy on her nor insist she showed me her phone so I could have a look through her private life
IMO, kids (and people in general) will respond to how they are treated: If you treat them with trust and respect, they'll react in kind and if you treat them with mistrust and disrespect they'll repay that by behaving in a distrusting manner
We were having a chat a few weeks ago and she told me that one of the most common complaints among her peers is that "Adults expect us to behave like adults but treat us like kids" and she went on to say that she was very grateful we're not like that and that she appreciates that we treat her as an adult and show her trust. In turn, she generally responds by behaving maturely, sensibly and honestly