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Do you check your teen's messages?

exizeo said:
And what if the aforementioned kid worked for his phone and bought it with his own money, then proceeded to pay for the service through work?
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If he has his own line of contract and everything, so be it. Legally speaking, I am sure the parents are in the right to do just about whatever they want in terms of looking through their kids' belongings, including their phones though.

I am guessing most of the folks here complaining about this are not at all in this situation. Most kids want something for nothing. Most kids aren;t going to be super responsible workers paying bills on time and still having their parents being suspcious about what they are doing. I was there what feels like yesterday (scary that it has been well over a decade now... yikes!!!)

Regardless, I mentioned in a post previous how easy it is to just delete secret messages anyway. Kids can get a lot past their parents. And, as a parent, if you think your kid is 100% responsible and completely honest with you you are probably dreaming. If they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or friends in general, they are probably doing something they aren't telling you that you wouldn't agree with. It's the cost of raising a child these days.

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ET iPhone Home said:
If I had kids, I'd respect their privacy, and monitor their whereabouts. I want to be one of those cool parents, and not some nosy parent prying into their privacy.
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How old are you? Late teens, very early twenties? I ask because I had this same mentality around that time. Unfortunately being the cool parent doesn't keep your kid safe. If you kid doesn't do anything to warrant prying, there likely isn;t a reason to religiously pry into their personal lives. Usually if a parent is asking a lot of questions it is because they are being given a reason to. Of course, there are exceptionsto this, as there are to everything.
 
theapplefanboyj said:
If there were something wrong with me id tell them. None of my friends had their phone checked and their perfectly fine.
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Sometimes when there is something wrong with you, you do not realize it.:eek:

How do you know none of your friends phones are not checked by their parents. They may not know. You also may not know what your parents are really doing.
 
ET iPhone Home said:
I want to be one of those cool parents...
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Please don't have kids.

I don't check my daughters' messages, but I could and would if I thought I needed to. I know the passcodes on all devices. I know the passwords on all accounts. I know their Apple ID credentials. They are not administrators on any of their computers, so there will be no hidden TrueCrypt partitions or the like. Yeah, they could dump stuff into a text file and name it something random, so nothing's fail safe.

It's not my job to be the cool parent. It's my job to help them become competent adults and not to make stupid, avoidable mistakes in judgment that teenagers tend to make... and especially not some of the epically stupid ones I made.

Their "rights" are what I say they are. They are "entitled" to what I say they are. Both of those are highly dependent on their demonstrated maturity and judgment and both will be sharply curtailed if I decide they need to be.
 
deguello said:
please don't have kids.

I don't check my daughters' messages, but i could and would if i thought i needed to. I know the passcodes on all devices. I know the passwords on all accounts. I know their apple id credentials. They are not administrators on any of their computers, so there will be no hidden truecrypt partitions or the like. Yeah, they could dump stuff into a text file and name it something random, so nothing's fail safe.

It's not my job to be the cool parent. It's my job to help them become competent adults and not to make stupid, avoidable mistakes in judgment that teenagers tend to make... And especially not some of the epically stupid ones i made.

Their "rights" are what i say they are. They are "entitled" to what i say they are. Both of those are highly dependent on their demonstrated maturity and judgment and both will be sharply curtailed if i decide they need to be.
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exactly!!!
 
Back in my day, parents always heard the conversations on the landline (back in the 80s) we didn't have mobile phones, and text services, so my parents knew what i was doing, and whom I was with and what location I would be.

Back then I wish I had the privacy, that teenagers here have from the get go!
 
Deguello said:
Please don't have kids.

I don't check my daughters' messages, but I could and would if I thought I needed to. I know the passcodes on all devices. I know the passwords on all accounts. I know their Apple ID credentials. They are not administrators on any of their computers, so there will be no hidden TrueCrypt partitions or the like. Yeah, they could dump stuff into a text file and name it something random, so nothing's fail safe.

It's not my job to be the cool parent. It's my job to help them become competent adults and not to make stupid, avoidable mistakes in judgment that teenagers tend to make... and especially not some of the epically stupid ones I made.

Their "rights" are what I say they are. They are "entitled" to what I say they are. Both of those are highly dependent on their demonstrated maturity and judgment and both will be sharply curtailed if I decide they need to be.
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Don't judge. You have your approach and I have mine. I wouldn't want you as my parent that's for certain.
 
My parents never checked mine, even though I got my first phone (good old Nokia 3310) for my 11th birthday.

They might've occasionally asked me who I was texting - much better that they trusted me to tell them the truth as to what was going on, rather than rooting through it.

How old are you OP?
 
BSDanalyst said:
Your parents are doing it wrong. This is telling their children it's okay to disregard respect and invade someone else's privacy. Not exactly how you want to educate the young.
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This is ridiculous. The right to privacy isn't complete. You don't have the right to privacy at work, school, etc. So why should you expect the right to privacy when you're at home and not old or mature enough to be counted on to make good decisions. And it's not necessarily our kids we're worried about. As adults, we're better able to recognize the signs of someone preying on our kids, have a better perspective on when one of their friends is in trouble, etc.

Adults also have the right to choose what they eat, where they live, who they hang out with, etc. But children don't, because they haven't assumed full responsibility for their lives, but because they are not ready to and because the parents haven't relinquished authority over these matters.

Why should privacy be any different? Privacy, like the other "rights" should be given out in accordance with both age and the kid's demonstration of responsibility.

How many parents over the years wished they had been a little more nosy into the activities of their kids? How many parents of bullies, suicide & molestation victims, drug abusers, etc. would, in hindsight, trade a small fight over privacy for a dead, addicted, pregnant, scarred, etc. kid?
 
I'm a little concerned about what the posters here consider to be private. I accept that many of you will check your kids' phones and tablets.

But will you let them use the bathroom by themselves? Can they bathe alone? Sleep with the door closed if they want? You may not respect or trust your kids, but they deserve a certain level of privacy when it comes to their bodies as they get older. Unless you have a child with a disability who needs your help at an older age, teach your kids privacy of the body and give them that respect so they respect the privacy of others. Their college roommates will thank you.

You can search their bedrooms when they're not there or visit when they're awake, but otherwise leave them alone. If you don't, then they have no reason to respect your privacy when it comes to the bathroom or the bedroom.
 
Jalopybox said:
No, they are not. You want privacy, go pay for your own home, phone, food, clothes, etc.
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You do realize teenagers aren't pets right? Treat them like **** and they'll treat you like ****, maybe not now but when you're older, you'll beg them to visit you once a year.

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KUguardgrl13 said:
I'm a little concerned about what the posters here consider to be private. I accept that many of you will check your kids' phones and tablets.

But will you let them use the bathroom by themselves? Can they bathe alone? Sleep with the door closed if they want? You may not respect or trust your kids, but they deserve a certain level of privacy when it comes to their bodies as they get older. Unless you have a child with a disability who needs your help at an older age, teach your kids privacy of the body and give them that respect so they respect the privacy of others. Their college roommates will thank you.

You can search their bedrooms when they're not there or visit when they're awake, but otherwise leave them alone. If you don't, then they have no reason to respect your privacy when it comes to the bathroom or the bedroom.
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They're bad parents, that's all, they grew up without privacy, why should they give privacy to their kids? It's like "my dad used to beat me when I was a kid, now I'm going to beat my son!" That's their thinking.
 
Never would I do this to my teenage boys. But my boys are also very willing to allow me access if I ask. Notice I said ask! I have to respect my children and believe that I have taught them right from wrong.

My children have enough respect for me to know they do not have to hide things from me. I would never want my children just going through my phone, but would never not allow it if they asked.

We all know our passwords in case something tragic were to happen, that way at least things would not be lost forever, example; photos. Yes children do dumb things, that is part of growing up. But they also have a right to an earned privacy.

Maybe I am lucky and have great kids, so do not need to worry. I grew up in a time when you went out in the morning arrived home for dinner and then went out again, all the while your parents never really knowing where you were. My parents had a lot of trust in me as a kid, so maybe I am just doing what I know.
 
ionjohn said:
You do realize teenagers aren't pets right? Treat them like **** and they'll treat you like ****, maybe not now but when you're older, you'll beg them to visit you once a year.

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They're bad parents, that's all, they grew up without privacy, why should they give privacy to their kids? It's like "my dad used to beat me when I was a kid, now I'm going to beat my son!" That's their thinking.
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I just wanted to clarify that we're talking about teens' tech privacy. Outside of that they certainly deserve privacy, and the government would probably agree with them.
 
My daughter is 8 so I'm a little ways off from having to deal with this but I will definitely be checking their messages and phone. As long as she is living in my house I will be checking her phone and her room, etc. Not because I don't trust, because I love her. I'm well aware of all of the things that can derail a child and I'm not about to let any of that happen to her!

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firedept said:
Never would I do this to my teenage boys. But my boys are also very willing to allow me access if I ask. Notice I said ask! I have to respect my children and believe that I have taught them right from wrong.

My children have enough respect for me to know they do not have to hide things from me. I would never want my children just going through my phone, but would never not allow it if they asked.

We all know our passwords in case something tragic were to happen, that way at least things would not be lost forever, example; photos. Yes children do dumb things, that is part of growing up. But they also have a right to an earned privacy.

Maybe I am lucky and have great kids, so do not need to worry. I grew up in a time when you went out in the morning arrived home for dinner and then went out again, all the while your parents never really knowing where you were. My parents had a lot of trust in me as a kid, so maybe I am just doing what I know.
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Or maybe they are slick enough to do stuff without you knowing about it. My parents always trusted me because I never gave them a reason to. That said I was still out there drinking and being promiscuous and they never had a clue. I was also out there doing that while never skipping a beat in school or athletics.
 
rockitdog said:
My daughter is 8 so I'm a little ways off from having to deal with this but I will definitely be checking their messages and phone. As long as she is living in my house I will be checking her phone and her room, etc. Not because I don't trust, because I love her. I'm well aware of all of the things that can derail a child and I'm not about to let any of that happen to her!

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Or maybe they are slick enough to do stuff without you knowing about it. My parents always trusted me because I never gave them a reason to. That said I was still out there drinking and being promiscuous and they never had a clue. I was also out there doing that while never skipping a beat in school or athletics.
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My children are not slick and do not have to be. My wife & I are very open with our children.

They are both in an organization called Younglife. It is a non denominational organization devoted to children. My older son is a leader and is going to Bible College so that he can help children. My younger son is a participant in the organization. My wife and I also volunteer for Younglife.

I have always been under the philosophy that if you are open and honest with your children then you earn their respect and get the same in return. I did say they still do dumb things, but those are things that can always be fixed.

I have access to all of my children's tech toys, but only ever access them when I ask or am asked by them. I do all the tech fixes around the house. I have never found anything that has lead me to believe differently that my children are doing anything illicit. And no I do not search for things when I am fixing their tech toys.
 
firedept said:
My children are not slick and do not have to be. My wife & I are very open with our children.

They are both in an organization called Younglife. It is a non denominational organization devoted to children. My older son is a leader and is going to Bible College so that he can help children. My younger son is a participant in the organization. My wife and I also volunteer for Younglife.

I have always been under the philosophy that if you are open and honest with your children then you earn their respect and get the same in return. I did say they still do dumb things, but those are things that can always be fixed.

I have access to all of my children's tech toys, but only ever access them when I ask or am asked by them. I do all the tech fixes around the house. I have never found anything that has lead me to believe differently that my children are doing anything illicit. And no I do not search for things when I am fixing their tech toys.
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LOL, that is a very different situation indeed. :) Congrats to you for raising some good Christian children. See, I was the one who dated and tried to corrupt young Christian girls when I was in school. I was involved in my church youth group just for the social part of it. I know my children will be better than I was but I will still be watching out for them too.
 
rockitdog said:
LOL, that is a very different situation indeed. :) Congrats to you for raising some good Christian children. See, I was the one who dated and tried to corrupt young Christian girls when I was in school. I was involved in my church youth group just for the social part of it. I know my children will be better than I was but I will still be watching out for them too.
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Got ya! Thanks for the chuckle!

Do not get me wrong, I know children can stray. My boys have friends who have taken that path and I would fully understand if their parents kept an eye on their tech toys. I would not blame them. Having boys though must certainly be different than having girls.
 
One's phone is a very private thing. You have every right to feel irked. Not only does their inspection impress on you a feeling of distrust, but it is also a very personal violation. Demanding to examine your phone is comparable to demanding to inspect your full body after showering to ensure you cleaned well. Very very awkward. Not acceptable. Good intentions, but makes child hate parent.

If you were a bad kid, it is to be expected. But it sucks to be checked up on, when you already thought you had a very trusting relationship with your parents. My fiancee's parents still open his mail, and yell at him about his discover bills, etc. Very invasive. Very un-adult-like.
 
caseycicada said:
One's phone is a very private thing. You have every right to feel irked. Not only does their inspection impress on you a feeling of distrust, but it is also a very personal violation. Demanding to examine your phone is comparable to demanding to inspect your full body after showering to ensure you cleaned well. Very very awkward. Not acceptable. Good intentions, but makes child hate parent.

If you were a bad kid, it is to be expected. But it sucks to be checked up on, when you already thought you had a very trusting relationship with your parents. My fiancee's parents still open his mail, and yell at him about his discover bills, etc. Very invasive. Very un-adult-like.
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Maybe your fiancé should stop living at his parents house :D
 
rockitdog said:
Maybe your fiancé should stop living at his parents house :D
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I know. We're getting married in the fall. We are being traditional, though. No sleeping together or living together. I live at home too. After the wedding, we'll buy a house with the money we've saved from living at home (not wasting on an apartment).

It is not an optimum situation, but it's very wise. We both have jobs, we own our cars, and most of our college loans are paid off. All because we are doing the counter-cultural thing of staying at home after college. :)
 
ET iPhone Home said:
Don't judge. You have your approach and I have mine. I wouldn't want you as my parent that's for certain.
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I'll judge anyone who says he wants to be the cool parent. All day.

I don't need you to want me as a parent. I already have two daughters who do.

But, like I said, I don't check their messages. We've talked extensively about what is and isn't acceptable and the consequences for the unacceptable. And that my checking is definitely an option at any time. If that means I'm not the cool parent, I can live with that.
 
KUguardgrl13 said:
I just wanted to clarify that we're talking about teens' tech privacy. Outside of that they certainly deserve privacy, and the government would probably agree with them.
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Of course we are talking about tech privacy. There is none.

No one is jumping to the conclusion they should be barged in on while using the bathroom or have their room ransacked on a daily basis looking for contraband-oh, the chicken littles ARE jumping to that conclusion.
 
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