Again moving into serious mode:
This relationship is toxic and the chances of it improving for the better are slim to none.
It sounds like it has JUST enough good moments to make you think it's worth it, but those don't offset how it seems to genuinely be messing with you mentally.
Call it quits-which won't be easy but has to be done-and do whatever you need to do to get away from her. Turn off your phone for a day or two(I know that's tough), log out of or delete your social media, and if you can it might not even be a bad idea to get out of town for a couple of days. Keep her out of your life long enough to clear your head and confirm your decision.
Yes, it will be difficult, but it sounds like at this point the "nuclear option" is what you need.
To throw in a bit of an anecdote, a couple of years back I was in a short but I'd say rather intense relationship with a young lady who I fell for hard and fast. There was never any sort of physical aspect to the relationship beyond simple kissing-that was talked about early on and for a variety of reasons we were both on the same page with holding off with anything else, but it was "intense" in that emotionally we were closer after a few weeks of dating than I have with other women after a couple of months. I was sure she was "the one" and on the surface everyone who knew me or was around us thought the same. About a month and a half in, she rather abruptly broke things off, only for us to reconcile a week later. Things basically picked up like nothing had ever happened, only for the same thing to happen 6 weeks later(to give an idea of how "out of nowhere" the second time was, she'd come over to watch a movie and had to leave before it was over. We already had plans for a few days later, so she asked me if I wanted to keep the DVD and bring it back to her when we saw each other again-I declined since we'd have time to finish it together then. She called and broke up with me about an hour after she left). Both break ups were as amicable as that sort of thing can be-there was a lot of apologizing on her part and me asking her to reconsider, but there was no anger or cross words being exchanged. Even after the second time, I was still begging her to give things another try even a month later, and would have gone back in a second if she had given the chance(there were times where I thought it was close to happening, although it never did) but it would have been foolish of me to do. The last time I texted her was just a simple how are you doing, and she never responded. It was all for the better.
At the time, I was absolutely devastated both times she ended things. Reflecting on it, though, it was a somewhat toxic relationship in a couple of ways. I do think that a partner should always push you to want to be a better person, but with her I almost always felt like I was being tested and there were things about me that were never going to be "good enough" for her. That was mixed in with her telling me how wonderful and perfect I was, so I never really knew what to expect. I remember at one point challenging me that she felt like I was always "unsure" of how secure our relationship was, when in reality some of her previous behavior had really given me every reason to be.
The point of that, though, is that even though that relationship seemed great at the time, it had its red flags that I was just too blind to ignore. If it had continued, it would have been a similar ongoing emotional roller coaster to what you're now experiencing. I am now making plans to marry a woman who I feel truly IS a wonderful complement to me. Among her many other wonderful qualities, and in contrast to the girl I was speaking of above, although we do challenge each other to improve the other in various subtle and not so subtle ways, we both ultimately recognize that the way we are now is what makes us special and such a great match for each other. Furthermore, we are together because we make a conscious effort to choose to be part of each others lives, not because either of us is desperate for anyone. I could go on forever about why I'm so crazy about the person who will be my wife this time next year, but I'll also say that while building a relationship has been a lot of work it has been enjoyable and not stressful work-and that to me is how it should be.
This relationship is toxic and the chances of it improving for the better are slim to none.
It sounds like it has JUST enough good moments to make you think it's worth it, but those don't offset how it seems to genuinely be messing with you mentally.
Call it quits-which won't be easy but has to be done-and do whatever you need to do to get away from her. Turn off your phone for a day or two(I know that's tough), log out of or delete your social media, and if you can it might not even be a bad idea to get out of town for a couple of days. Keep her out of your life long enough to clear your head and confirm your decision.
Yes, it will be difficult, but it sounds like at this point the "nuclear option" is what you need.
To throw in a bit of an anecdote, a couple of years back I was in a short but I'd say rather intense relationship with a young lady who I fell for hard and fast. There was never any sort of physical aspect to the relationship beyond simple kissing-that was talked about early on and for a variety of reasons we were both on the same page with holding off with anything else, but it was "intense" in that emotionally we were closer after a few weeks of dating than I have with other women after a couple of months. I was sure she was "the one" and on the surface everyone who knew me or was around us thought the same. About a month and a half in, she rather abruptly broke things off, only for us to reconcile a week later. Things basically picked up like nothing had ever happened, only for the same thing to happen 6 weeks later(to give an idea of how "out of nowhere" the second time was, she'd come over to watch a movie and had to leave before it was over. We already had plans for a few days later, so she asked me if I wanted to keep the DVD and bring it back to her when we saw each other again-I declined since we'd have time to finish it together then. She called and broke up with me about an hour after she left). Both break ups were as amicable as that sort of thing can be-there was a lot of apologizing on her part and me asking her to reconsider, but there was no anger or cross words being exchanged. Even after the second time, I was still begging her to give things another try even a month later, and would have gone back in a second if she had given the chance(there were times where I thought it was close to happening, although it never did) but it would have been foolish of me to do. The last time I texted her was just a simple how are you doing, and she never responded. It was all for the better.
At the time, I was absolutely devastated both times she ended things. Reflecting on it, though, it was a somewhat toxic relationship in a couple of ways. I do think that a partner should always push you to want to be a better person, but with her I almost always felt like I was being tested and there were things about me that were never going to be "good enough" for her. That was mixed in with her telling me how wonderful and perfect I was, so I never really knew what to expect. I remember at one point challenging me that she felt like I was always "unsure" of how secure our relationship was, when in reality some of her previous behavior had really given me every reason to be.
The point of that, though, is that even though that relationship seemed great at the time, it had its red flags that I was just too blind to ignore. If it had continued, it would have been a similar ongoing emotional roller coaster to what you're now experiencing. I am now making plans to marry a woman who I feel truly IS a wonderful complement to me. Among her many other wonderful qualities, and in contrast to the girl I was speaking of above, although we do challenge each other to improve the other in various subtle and not so subtle ways, we both ultimately recognize that the way we are now is what makes us special and such a great match for each other. Furthermore, we are together because we make a conscious effort to choose to be part of each others lives, not because either of us is desperate for anyone. I could go on forever about why I'm so crazy about the person who will be my wife this time next year, but I'll also say that while building a relationship has been a lot of work it has been enjoyable and not stressful work-and that to me is how it should be.
