Okay..
So, I talked to an awesome AT&T rep after 2 hours and 35 minutes on hold.
She said that people she talked to before me were on hold for 2 hours. Don't give up! The people that talked to her before were unable to get the upgrade.. For some reason. She cited different times for different account types.
Anyway, she placed the order for my white 64 gb iPhone 5 and in the middle of giving her my information the line cut out..
A few moments later, she called me back! Amazing.
Anyway, she ported over my unlimited data plan, and got things rolling. Two minutes later I had accepted the TOS, and ordered via premier. This was after a system error on the TOS acceptance the first 6 or 7 times I tried it.
Incidentally, she said I was her first successful iPhone 5 order.
There you have it. Start calling 611 and hitting the upgrade division. She said there were phones allocated and I'd have mine on launch day..
She was awesome.
If anyone at AT&T is reading this, your new hire from Comcast is a very amazing CSR. (Probably not :/)
Pro tip: When they do answer, be incredibly nice. Accommodating. Make jokes. Act like someone who isn't sleep deprived. They go the extra mile for you. Amazingly.
Edit: Just have the TOS e-mail. No processing confirmation, can hit premier login but error processing request to see order status.